My First Love
Chapter Onze

By: Goth

Billie

The days after Justin tried what he did seemed to drag on. I only wanted to be next to him, to protect him from himself, if nesseccary. School is hard, people heard, and saw our conflict, our breakup. The questions and names were almost constant, I would niether confirm or deny their questions about our sexuality. It was none of their business.

I waited in our usual spot waiting for Justin, and then I saw him come around the corner, his eye's met mine and I could feel the longing. I swear I could feel his very soul reach out and touch mine all the way from across the courtyard. My heart began to melt.

I remember kissing, oh so sweet. Justin's lips mashed up against mine. Tasting his sweet taste, smelling him. I became lost, and just as soon reality came tumbling down on me. Justin spun around and started yelling something. I stood there momentarly lost. Then just as I was regaining myself I started getting pulled by Justin. I went to say, what the hell? But then felt a sharp pain in the back of my head. I heard the yelp leave my lips and Justin turned and looked at me closely but kept dragging me.

When we were out of the crowd he asked, "What happened?"

"Someone hit me with a rock I think." I said as I felt a headach setting in.

"Where?"

"My head, it hurts bad." I started to rub the spot and almost instantly stopped. I felt it, the warm wet sticky liquid. It brought back a not so distant memory, and I knew it wasn't sweat. I pulled my hand back and I saw it, blood covered my fingertips. The memory began to replay for a second in my brain, looking at my hands, covered in Justin's blood. I was almost to tears but not from pain from the memory it was just so clear.

That's when I noticed Justin. I have never seen him mad and I was sure this was pissed. He was staring at Damon, he smiled at us, and Justin began walking. I followed after him trying to get him to stop. There was no point. His walking turned to quick strides, Damon started backing away but Justin didn't let him. I started to run to try and stop it but was blocked out by a bunch of kids.

I saw the security and the P.E. Teacher running in to stop the fight. Then followed as they dragged them to the office. After going through everything, we waited for our parent's to come for an emergency meeting.

My Mom was first to show, followed by Damon's. Then after much yelling in the principals office by Damon's Mom. Justin's Mom finally made it. She looked drained, her eyes were baggy, and her hair was a bit out of place. I felt bad for her, but mostly for Justin. He had to see it 24/7, and even though he won't tell me I know, he worries if she loves him. I could see it how he looks at her. That same look he had when he looked at his Dad.

In the conference room we all sat around the table. Each of us next to our parent. I watched as the parent's argued, and as the principal tried cushoning the verbal blows. However my focus was on Justin. He was sitting there, being silent, just watching them, a pained look on his face. I wanted to grab his hand, or hug him. Yet behind that pained look I could see the intensity, I could see him absorbing their words.

In the end, the police were not called in. Damon had been witnessed throwing the rocks, and therefore he had started the physical assault. We were all suspended for 11 days, with 3 saturday schools. Oh how they had painted us in, if we failed to attend the saturday school it would mean expulsion. Something about how working together was going to improve our social behavior against each other blah blah.

My Mom didn't ground me or anything, she feels I shouldn't have been suspended. I agree with her on it. Justin's Mom took a different approach with Justin. She grounded him for his whole suspension. She allows us to talk on the phone, I worry about him though. He sounds depressed, I just, ever since that day... all I do is constantly worry about him.

Hours on end I think about him, crave him. His touch, smell, his cute facial expressions. I missed him so much it ached. I held his picture in my hands and stared at it. It had taken me so damn long to finally get a picture of him but I did and I worship it. It's then that my mind wandered... It started as thinking about him kissing me.

Giving me those sweet little pecks, that get just a little longer, building up my frustration. Making me quiver for just a little more, and when I'd think I couldn't take anymore he'd push me just that bit further. Then let me indulge, feeling his lips open, his tongue darting out.

Finally when our tongues would finally touch the bastard would torture me further. Pulling those delicious lips away from mine, his teasing pecks would emerge again, drawing me in.

I came out of my mini day dream, I licked my lips as I stared at his picture, I couldn't resist, I felt my hand already sneaking under my waistband. I closed my eyes again, falling right back into my day-dream.

His kisses soon would become more fierce and straight to the point. Our tongues battling for power, tempting each other. He'd bite my lip just right, knowing how to drive me nuts. And that's esactly where my hand would travel, teasing him just as much back, teasing all around that heart but never touching it, trying to ebb me on.

His sighs and whimpers entered my head, as if he were in the room with me, it shocked me, and then I realized it was myself. I felt a blush, as my mind wandered back to my fantasy. I let myself sink into my fanatsy. I could feel the tension inside building, trying to bubble it's way out like a million elephants. I grabbed my nipple and played with it, immagining him teasing it. Feeling his fingers slowly circling it, then pinching and rubbing the little bit. His fingertips would slowly run down from my nipple, causing my stomach to twitch in anticipation, circling my navel, then slowly walking them lower. Right before grabbing it and giving it that first experimental squeeze. My mind clouded, and I felt that tension exploding throughout my body then spilling out like a flood.

I laid there in the aftermath, smiling to myself. Just the thought of him drove me to uncontrollable lust. This time alone it's so agonizing, I just want to scream, until the world shutters and cracks, urging it to give me my desire. You never realize how lonely you are until you can't see that one person you love.

It's been 5 days, but it feels like 5 years to me. Talking on the phone isn't good enough, I want to see his face. To touch it, and feel him, to hold him and at the same time melt into his arms. I looked at the clock, 7:30. I decided it was still too early to call, so I took a shower. I grumbled seeing the clock only read 7:50, it felt like half an hour.

I paced in the hall for a minute and decided cooking and eating eggs would take up more time. I put on some music, White Zombie filled the air as I threw some butter in the pan. I grabbed a couple eggs, and some bread. I waited for the butter to melt all the way then threw the eggs in. I seasoned them, then threw the bread in the toaster. I flipped them and let them cook for a little longer. I was in the mood for soft the toast popped up and i buttered it then threw my eggs on.

My grand plan only put me to 7:59, and I grumbled again. I sat on my bed and started thinking of ways I could see him. Maybe he could sneak me in his room? Or maybe I could just beg his mom? No that wouldn't be good and I don't want to look desperate...

"Gah!" I said then fell back on my back. I stared at the roof, imagining he was there next to me. I'd feel the heat from his body slowly seeping in making me feel warm and safe. My hand would sneak up to his and my fingers would start knotting together with his. I grumbled again. Thinking about it just made me crave him more. I looked at the clock, only 8:03... why? Why couldn't it just say nine already?!

I wonder if this is what prison feels like? I broke down, and grabbed the phone. He should be awake... I dialed, then hung up on the first ring. I picked it back up and called again. This time I won't hang up... on the third ring I heard Justin's voice fill my ears.

"Hiya sexy, good morning!"

"MM hi, I've been dying to hear your voice." I said.

"Same, I've just been laying here waiting but I didn't know if I should call, I was just about to."

"So how are you doing?"

"Ok, bored, like all the time, she won't let me do anything."

"Does she go to work today?" I asked hoping.

"Yea, but only a four hour shift."

"So... when does she leave?"

"In a few minutes, why what are you thinking?" He asked knowing.

"Well, you see... I was thinking maybe I could come over, and I could sneak out the window when she got home... or I could leave a few minutes before she gets out of work just in case."

"Really? And I thought I was the bad influence?"

"I never said that." I said, bursting with joy. "So, I'll come over now. It'll take me like 30 minutes to walk there anyway."

"Ok, I love you sexy."

"Not as much as I love you!" I said, then hung up before he could argue with me.

Justin

"Not as much as I love you!" Billie said to me, I was right about to say no way, but before I could even move my lips I heard the click.

I smiled and shook my head, then realized I needed to make myself look presentable. I fidgeted waiting for my Mom to leave she'd know something was up... I decided a shower wouldn't be suspicious.

In the shower I quickly washed and gave a little more attention than needed to my special parts. I smiled at myself already horny just thinking about him. Once I was all rinsed I jumped out of the shower and dried off. I yelled out into the hallway seeing if my mom was still home. Yelled out again, I waited a few seconds then threw the towel on the floor and walked to my room.

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Justin

Waiting, all the tortures of this world and waiting has to be my worst. I felt the trembling of my stomach, the tightening of my stomach, feeling it drop a thousand times over. Waiting for that moment when they walked in that door. I didn't really want to see them, but I was cracking to Steven's wishful thinking. I had felt the tears coming wanting out in front of this perfect stranger, but I couldn't allow it. If he found out...

As I waited I fiddled with my fingers, trying to release this pressure building within me. I could feel the rumbling of fear growing. What is he going to do to me? I could already see the pain on my Mother's face yet my emotions even to her were starting to harden. How could she stay with him? How could she let him do this to me, day after day?!

I was immediately snapped from my thoughts by the opening door and there my father stood. My Mom close behind him. He stared at me, it was so foreign, it almost looked as if he was sorry, his eyes somewhat cast down. Did he actually have feelings, remorse maybe? My Mom could wait no longer, she pushed past my Father and ran to me. I wanted to hate her so badly! I wanted to hate them both! But when her hug enveloped me, her warm soft hug. It just sliced through it all and I felt the tears flowing again.

She just held onto me and rocked me for a few minutes, crying and sobbing out her words of comfort, her fear. She grabbed my face and stared into my eyes, her makeup running causing more veins of black down her cheeks. Then her eyes glared at mine and her face got so stern. "You are never ever going to do this again! You hear me?! I thought, I was so afraid, I thought oh my God what I thought." She hugged me again even harder.

My Dad just stared, his eye's burning into mine. I could see what it was on his face now, it wasn't remorse, he wasn't even sorry, it was plain fear. For once in my life, I felt free. In his self-agonizing misery of wondering and waiting to see just what would happen. I had the control now and he knew it. It was my move and I decided I'd really test my waters. Steven stood in the corner watching. He seemed to be watching the drama playing out between my father and I.

"I'm sorry Mom, I just couldn't hide it anymore, not from myself and I didn't want to be. Mom... Dad... I'm," I looked down, this is the moment of no return... if I say it, he will forever know. The thought of making him sit through this was so... exhilarating. And so I took a plunge and felt all my fear wash away. I raised my head back up and looked right back in his eyes. "I'm gay." My Mom stared at me.

She smiled at me and then looked at my Dad. I looked back at him too and I could see it. That rage, almost uncontrollable. It should have frightened me but... it didn't it thrilled me. His jaw was clenched his eyes seemed to grow raging fires in them. I started laughing, I couldn't believe it. I had finally lost it... this must be insanity! Laughing at the tyrant, sucking up all his squirming and making it my power. Using his weakness finally against him. Power corrupts, and it felt sou good to be on this side for once!

Steven continued watching this drama, he was studying all of us but mainly my Dad and I. And he finally stepped forward. "I don't mean to pry... but maybe I can help you all discuss this more better."

It's when my Dad finally snapped. "I didn't give life to a fucking fagot, I always knew you weren't mine." He glared at Steven, "And just who the hell are you? Can't you see this is a private family moment. Your not needed and I'd like it better if you were to leave!"

"I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to leave this room, Justin is under suicide watch. Do you not understand your son tried to kill himself? He actually tried and almost succeeded in taking his own life. I'm a counselor here at the hospital and right now it's my shift to watch him."

"I don't give a shit who you are, I'm his parent, if you can't trust his own parent's then what makes you think I could trust someone like you to watch over him? A stranger to him!" He shifted his attention to me, "Boy, you want him here?"

It wasn't a question and I knew it, it was a command. But my psychosis had yet to leave me. "Actually... I kinda like him, he's good company."

"You little cocksucker, how dare you?" He straightened, started walking away. Said something under his breath. He seemed to darken and he turned and looked at me, it was that look I had seen s many times. The one that begins the waiting, that utterly ravenous gnawing of it chewing at my soul, my resolve. Then he did something I didn't expect he started walking towards me. His fist tightened and it raised as he took huge strides across the room towards me. I watched waiting for it to hit me, one step closer and I'd feel it's kiss on me. Instead my Mom jumped in front of it and it connected to her shoulder. She screamed out in pain.

Steven ran to the door and yelled for help. My Dad tried throwing my Mom off of me. but she gave him resistance. Steven ran back in, along with a few others. Hands assaulted him grabbing and pulling him away he struggled and hit a couple of people he could. Until a needle was stuck in, he yelped out. They held him for a what seemed eternity until he finally slumped.

It got so complicated, cops came, the psychiatrist to examine me. Pictures of bruises were taken, x-rays, talking to a bunch of people I didn't know. Cops, shrinks, case workers.

A day after the incident I was still having to talk to the shrink. I didn't like him as much as Steven he was so dull and boring. Almost mechanical. I hate uh huh's they drive me nuts. I wanted to see Billie so badly, but I was afraid to. He hadn't come yet but I knew he would. It was only a matter of time, before I had to explain myself. My mind wondered to that while Dr. Patel talked.

I found a spot on his face a mole on his upper cheek. It was a somewhat gross one, it was bulgy and even had hair. It repulsed me when I had first seen him, and yet I was so drawn to look at it, and it was as if I felt myself being pulled in. The mole began working like my spot and I zoned in and it became the blackness that engulfed me.

I was pulled out of it by his voice, it caused me to jump. It seemed this problem of mine was getting worse. Coming and going now instead of it just being willed. He asked me tons of questions about what had just happened and some other questions. He finally had his grand conclusion.

I was happy to find I wasn't insane, but broken all the same. My moods, my sinking into darkness, was labeled bi-polar, with a possible chance of disassociation. A way to cope with my daily life, by disconnecting myself from my emotions and consciousness. I hated knowing I was labeled, officially broken. I knew I was but to have it confirmed was overwhelming to a degree.

I was escorted back to my room. I hated being watched constantly even while going to the bathroom. When I got back to my new room I sat on the chair. I was tired of beds. The day seemed to drag on so slowly, almost like I was in a dream. My mind kept wandering back. How many times could I have told someone? The hell I was going through and all it took to stop it was to just say it aloud. Thoughts of Billie plagued me as well. How can I face him? Is he going to hate me? Is it over?

Silence, I really hate it. In moments of silence your brain has control. It screams at you trying to break through the utter silence that surrounds it. Or at least mine does. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I don't know about that, I wonder if it just makes you stranger, more broken?

After what seemed to be an eternity the silence was shattered by a voice of a God.

"Justin?" Billie said questioningly.

Billie

"I don't love you anymore Billie, I... I'm breaking up with you. I'm sorry." Justin said to me and I felt my world shatter and felt my heart stop.

My throat constricted and my breath left me. I sputtered out all I could, "Your... your, how, wha-why?! Please Justin... what do you mean? How could you say that? It was only yesterday that you said. That you, you..." I felt a tear drop, his face didn't match his words yet he had said them. They fell from his lips so easily, so quickly. I ran with my tattered heart as the tears ran freely.

Why? It wouldn't stop revolving in my mind. What did I do? What did I say? Did he think I was too easy? Am I ugly? Do I repulse him? All these questions, bringing extra pains to my heart. Killing me a bit more. Why?

After the bell rang I emerged from the stall I had been hiding in, though if anyone came in they would have heard me. I washed my face in the sink then dried it off. I looked at myself, my eyes all red, a frown. I had to talk to him, he had to tell me why. All these questions, but the only person that can tell me is him.

I went home, when I got in my room, I looked at my bed and threw my bag at it. I could feel it bubbling up in me again. The panic of it all over again, clutching my throat, like a vice grip. Feeling my heart dropping and my lungs fluttering. I got dizzy and sat on the floor. The tears started all over again, this emptiness eating me whole. It felt as if my heart and my very soul were stolen taken with his words. I cried a while, and then my tears stopped. Anger took me. How could he do that to me?

I'll give him a piece of my mind! I decided I'd ride my bike over to his house. I had a feeling he'd have ditched as well. I wouldn't be surprised if someone had heard us, if they were listening they would know, and I didn't care. But he would and wouldn't want to face the questions. On the ride there, I had my ups and downs. I almost went back home three times. I was at his door, it was silent inside and it seemed like the lights were off.

Maybe he didn't come home... I knocked on the door. No answer. It aggravated me so I knocked some more. I waited a second or two. Still no answer. I usually wouldn't but... the door handle seemed to glow. As if it begged to be tested, and I did. The knob twisted, I gave a little push and the door opened. I called out for Justin. I didn't hear him but I heard water running. Maybe he was in the shower? I debated on waiting to see or just going in the bathroom to confront him. Then again what if it's his Mom or Dad? That would be hard to explain...

I decided to go to the door at least and listen maybe he hums or something? As I turned around the corner I saw a foot pointing at me. Then the full image laid out before me seemed to fill my full brain. It numbed it completely, I didn't know what to do I froze. Caught between a scream of horror and a cry for help.

There before me lay Justin, his eyes closed, his wrist was cut up along the underneath of his forearm. Blood still oozing from it, his skin was pale. But I saw his chest move. "Justin!" I yelled and his eye's fluttered.

Justin

"Justin?" Billie said questioningly.

His voice cut through the damned silence. My heart stopped and then gushed. The light was shinning through the window just right, illuminating him. He looked so heavenly I imagine he'd be a perfect Angel.

"Hi." I said, I felt so ashamed to even reply to him.

"Justin I know this probably isn't the right time, but please I have to know, why?"

"Because, I didn't want to hurt you. I know it sounds dumb but, I was ashamed. I feel like nothing. I feel empty, I hate myself, cause I feel weak. That's why I broke up with you and why I tried doing what I did. I didn't want to pull you into it, and I couldn't do it any longer. I couldn't keep living in pain I just I wanted peace... I need it so badly, and your the only thing that brings it to me but it wasn't enough how could I ever give you as much as you give me? When I can't feel anything? You deserve so much more."

"You are an idiot. Do you know how much pain you put me through? Can you even imagine it? How I found you, laying in your own blood, still leaking from your veins. Calling 911, holding your wrist up in the air with a towel and pressure while crying my eyes out to the fucking operator who helped me keep you alive for the paramedics. I thought you were dead! I thought I had lost you forever. You didn't even leave a note! You were planning on leaving without even saying goodbye?"

Tears started falling from his eyes, I tried speaking, but he started back up again. "Your such a idiot but I love you. I don't want to hear you say sorry, because I'm not going to forgive you. What you put me through, there is no sorry for that. You say you give me nothing but you give me everything. Your love is all I want from you and you c.an't tell me you didn't feel love for me, I could see it on your face when you would say you loved me."

"Billie I... I love you and I know you don't want to hear it but I am, so unbelievably sorry. Your right I am an idiot I just, it hurt so much."

He grabbed my face and looked me in the eyes. Those perfect orbs staring so deeply into mine. "Do you ever know when to shut up?" He said then kissed me right on the lips. His Mom and Dad watching us. It was odd being watched. But the stage fright was only a second before my lips trembled and pushed back against his.

It was odd, sitting there with Billie's family. Just talking like nothing had happened. I'd see their eyes silently surveying the bandage, or my face. It was tense all the same, there was just that thickness in the air. Everyone was avoiding it, pretending it wasn't the reason why we were all here.

It was an hour or later that my Mom finally appeared. She looked broken, bags hung under her eyes, the blackened skin making the redness in her eyes more apparent. She looked almost defeated. It made no sense to me why? "Mom?"

Billie's Mom looked at my Mom. She walked to her and walked with her to where she had been sitting and let her sit there. She smiled at me but seemed to be lost in her thoughts. I decided to let her process it by herself. I'm sure it was hard for her, it would be for anyone I think.

A week later
Justin

I remained in the psych ward of the hospital for 3 days, where I was analyzed, given pills, and watched. It was weird, having all eyes on me, waiting to see if I was ticking time bomb. When the shrink finally declared I was no longer a danger to myself I was let go. The fourth day I started Physical therapy to see how bad the damage was to my hand. I had lost some feeling here and there, two of my fingertips just tingled constantly. I had also cut a tendon which had been put back together then connected to the skin. It was weird watching it pull the skin as my fingers moved.

I was given a stupid ball to take home which I was supposed to squeeze for 5 minutes every 6 hours. It frustrated me, seeing the difference in my hand strength now. My left hand able to squeeze the foam ball almost flat, while my right hand could barely squish it. Not to mention the pain.

The strangest thing, was being home without him there. I still crept from my room out of habit, waiting to be called. I still cleaned and did everything I was supposed to, then realizing I had nothing to fear. The house seemed so quiet and empty with him gone, the windows now open letting in sunlight. The light seemed to make it even more barren looking. The TV lay dormant no longer did old cowboy and Indian movies kiss it's screen. I could almost sickly say I missed him.

My Mom was doing better now that the shock had worn off, but new problems were still brewing for her. She also had charges pending, a court hearing. I think the only reason why she isn't in jail is because I told the shrink it wasn't her fault and that she had never hurt me. Even though I don't really blame her the court has yet to decide. She gives me a look now and then, I wonder if it's hate?

I know how could I think that? But I wonder. What if she sees me as a burden one that might put her behind bars. I didn't know they would blame her too, and it kills me to know that it's my fault. His words still ring in my head in silent moments like these.Mistake, fagot, look what you've done! His voice so clear in my mind, as if he stood in the very room I was in. It sends my hairs on end and sends chills down my spine. I find myself looking over my shoulder, peeking around the corners. Waiting for the sting of his fists, the cold lashings of his words.

Then I remember I'm free, yet I'm still haunted. And now I fear, she will end up looking at me like he did. In moments like these I wish Billie hadn't of found me. Anything but this consuming guilt, these questions, these fears. I decided to shatter this silence, I put in some music. I got lost in the beat, in the lyrics yet my mind was still nagging at me.

I'd start school again tomorrow. The bandage no longer needing to be worn, the cut was almost healed now. Dry skin made it lumpy in some spots, and the scar tissue was red. People would see it, and they'd know why I haven't been in school. Billie said our secret was out as well now, he said it wasn't so bad. But I wasn't sure about that, his face said something else to me. A pain was on his face when he had told me yesterday.

The day continued on much the same, stuck in my mind with these torturous questions and doubts. Even as I crept into bed they plagued me, I was thankful for the pain pills. They seemed to envelope me into a blanket of nothingness. My eye's battled to stay open but in the end sleep claimed me.

I awoke with a grumble, the alarm clock seemed to bounce around the inside of my skull. The light seemed extra bright today as well. Even the chirping of the birds stung my ear drums. I stumbled out of bed and went through the morning routine. It was while I was brushing my hair that I noticed my eyes. They were bloodshot and I had darkened bags under my eyes. I wanted to cringe and hide under my blankets for all of eternity.

I wasn't ready yet, the looks I can see them in my mind and it hurts already. I can hear the voices of the kids already, that dirty nasty word bounced in my brain. Fagot, how many would say it? How many would notice my wrist? I took a deep breath and walked out the door.

On the walk to my bus stop I saw the kids all standing around doing their regular shit, I didn't want to walk up though. How many had heard? Did they see the ambulance? How much do they really know? It was a constant whirlwind of worries. It started as short sharp breaths. I could feel the turmoil building up, twisting my insides turning them to knots. I felt my blood rush through me, my heart quickened, my throat started closing. Dizziness hit me, my vision blurred, and the panic gripped me so tightly I thought I'd pass out.

I took deep breaths and calmed myself down, just in time to see Jessica looking at me. She smiled at me and waved me over, and paranoia truly set in. I took what I thought would be earth shattering steps towards her. Wishing I had worn a long sleeved shirt, I contemplated getting one. But I knew even if I had, gym class would reveal all. It was pointless to try and hide it. I took in a deep breath when I was in talking distance, stilling myself to the possible verbal assault.

"Hi Justin!" Jessica said to me.

"Hi Jessica, what's up?"

"Not much, I was just wondering if everything was alright? I saw the ambulance, and I heard the rumor at school about Billie and you. Is it true? Are you really boyfriends?"

By this point everyone at the bus stop now stared waiting in anticipation for the inside scoop. I felt another attack on my system, eating at my nerves causing nausea, but it only took one thought of Billie to rest my soul. "It's none of your business really, but if you must know yes."

I heard one shout it's true, giggles broke out, the boys seemed to cringe away in disgust and fear. I looked straight into Jessica's eyes "Is that all?"

"Yes." She said giggling, "That's so cute!"

The bus finally rounded the corner and everyone just stared. I don't know if it was shock or what but they seemed to remain silent. On the bus I looked down the isle, I decided to take the seat behind the bus driver. Knowing all the others preferred being far away from him. I was happy that no one liked sitting here it gave me a break from all the stares. I could hear the giggling, the hushed whispers, it wasn't until someone yelled out Fagot that I was mad. I knew I'd regret admitting it, but living in fear is living in fear. Whether it be hiding in the closet or being out in the open. Out in the open could allow me, us to be free. Either way the bus ride seemed to take an eternity.

Once the bus finally arrived at school, I felt the fear again. The bus ride wasn't that bad, but how would it be now? Around so many other kids. I almost wanted to hide on the bus forever. So I stayed on it until all the kids were off of it. I took a deep breath and stood up. I looked out the window on the other side of the bus from me. Watching the kids disperse mixing and blending into their regular crowds. I imagine all of them telling all their friends about what they had heard from friends or from eye witnesses.

The bus driver gave me a strange look, I just gave him a smile and got off the bus. I walked to our meeting spot, Billie saw me right as I saw him it seemed. I could feel the warmth from his smile hit me from all the way across the courtyard. I beamed back at him, I didn't care who saw us. I ran over to him, all I wanted to do was hug my sexy baby. It surprised even Billie I think, when my arms wrapped around his frame and pulled his body right against mine.

"I love you Billie, now and forever." I kissed his cheek daring all to oppose it.

His face began to redden, as a silly grin took over his face. His eyes seemed foggy for a minute, and then I felt his arms tighten around me. He looked me straight in the eyes then kissed me full on the lips. "I love you too Justy."

I didn't even pay attention to the kids surrounding us, gawking as if they were watching someone being ripped to pieces. The shock that engulfed the sheep, seemed to loosen it's grip. Whispers broke out, then boos. Words filled the air, fagots, gross, oh my gods, girls squealing, then a rock.

It hit me in my back, stinging, I twisted around and scanned the crowd, rage filled me. "Who threw it?! I'll kick your ass now!"

They backed up, smelling the danger. No one would take credit, they just stared and laughed. I grabbed Billie's hand and started pushing a way through the mass of kids. then I heard him yelp out in pain. I looked back at him, he had tears singeing his eyes. "What happened?" I asked him.

I made it out of the crowd with him, then asked him again. "Someone hit me with a rock I think."

"Where?"

"My head, it hurts bad." He started rubbing the spot, then stopped. He pulled his hand back and looked at it. I saw it, blood stained his fingertips, and I saw red. I looked back at the dispersing kids. I saw Damon standing against the tree, his eye's watching us intently, and he threw a rock up in the air and caught. A blinding rage took hold of me. I snapped!

My body acted on it's own, my feet hit the ground hard, my legs making long strides, I closed the gap in 30 seconds flat. He started backing up when he saw me coming. His backing up showed me his fear and an inner beast seemed to feed upon it ravenously. I felt a growl bubbling up from my stomach, and it rumbled out through my clenched teeth. He started backing up quicker, but not quick enough.

My arm flew out and my fist connected to his nose, he stumbled back, disoriented. My left flew just as quickly into his jaw, he flew back to the ground. The second blow seemed to knock him out of his daze, but still not quick enough. Kids again surrounded us, all shouting, fight, fight, fight! It seemed to fuel my appetite, I got on top of him and started punching him over and over. His hands tried blocking but couldn't block all of them. I decided I had enough of his blocking and grabbed his hair. I started pounding his head into the ground, and it was then that I realized I was screaming at him. "Where's your Daddies money now huh? You think I'm the sissy!? You little bitch!" I felt myself being pulled off, but the adrenaline still flowed, and I wanted more. I spun around and swung and hit the gym teacher.

That sobered me up, his face turned bright red, and he grabbed me by the arm and started dragging me, Billie followed. The security guard helped a bloodied face Damon from the ground. On the way to the principals office I looked at my hands, the knuckles hurt and my wrist throbbed and burned in pain. Blood covered the knuckles of my hands and I now realized the little bitch had got me in my nose I felt the blood dripping out of it. It made a funny thought come to mind, I wonder how much of it was my blood and how much was the donors blood?

In the chairs, in the office waiting room we all sat, I kept staring at Damon Oh how I wanted to smash his face in still. My blood boiled, and I felt the scowl on my face. He looked at me and looked terrified. And then I felt it, a grin, it spread across my face, I could feel the shroud of darkness that surrounded it fill the room. It would seem he did as well. It was broken when the nurse came in and made a gasp.

"You two with bleeding noses tip your heads back and hold right below the bone but don't squeeze hard." She shifted her attention to Billie. "Any injuries?"

"Yeah, the back of my head is bleeding, and I have a bad headache."

"I'll be right back." She said. The security guard watched us like a hawk. I did as told, and assumed Damon did as well. When she came back she had two cloths and saline water. "Wipe yourselves up with these," she handed a cloth to me, it was damp. I watched as she attended to Billie. "I need you to stand please, and stand by the secretaries counter."

She moved the chair and told him to sit. He listened to her and she sifted through his bloody hair. "Like I thought, just sit there ok?"

"Ok," Billie said.

She then turned her attention to Damon She threw her gloves into the waste bin and put on new ones. She got the cloth from him and wiped away the excess he didn't get. "I'm going to need to feel your nose, I know it's going to hurt but I need to know if it's broken, the good news though is it doesn't look like it is."

She tenderly squeezed on his nose, he yelped out like a baby. She rubbed up and down feeling it. "Well I think your lucky, I'll need to talk to your parent's when they get here. I'll let the principal know."

She came over to me, and did the same routine. Again not a broken nose, then she pulled out a flash light and shined it in my eyes. Asked a couple questions and did the same to the rest of us. We all seemed to pass the ok bill at the moment. She looked at Billie. "You come with me. I'm going to have to rinse your head to see how bad the damage is." She looked at the office lady and told her to tell the principal he could start.

As Billie left the room I felt my heart drop. His pain seemed to swallow me whole. I again glared at Damon I still wanted to hurt him, the rage it wanted out so bad. It was eating me whole sitting here in the same room not able to enact my vengeance, to draw it out and feel the freedom of letting him have all I could give.

The principal came out and stared at me, then Damon He shook his head, and the gym teacher came out after him. They both stared at me and called me in.

"Justin sit down." Mr. Johnson, sat next to me, and the principal took his seat behind his desk. "Do you care to explain yourself?" He asked.

So I told him, he looked at me closely the whole time, Mr. Johnson brooding the whole time. I went through the events that brought us all here in this room. The Principal took a breath, "Do you have anything to say to Mr's Johnson?"

"Yea, I do. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to, I was just so... I don't know lost is a good word I think. I just I lost it. I wasn't thinking I just reacted, I didn't know if you were one of his friends or not it was just reflex and I'm really, really sorry."

"Well if you aren't expelled Justin, I'll look forward to helping you serve out your detention." He had an evil grin on his face and I knew I was in deep shit. "I know how it is to be in a fight and therefor I won't hold it against you, but it's unacceptable however you look at it."

"I know, I'm sorry." I had to call my Mom and tell her what had happened, then the Principal talked to her. He asked if she would be able to come down to have an emergency conference. She must have agreed as he told me to go to the office and to send Damon in.

As I walked out I felt a sadness creep through my body. Billie still wasn't back I was hoping to see his beautiful eyes. I gave Damon a look that could kill and watched him squirm. "Your up." I sat in my chair and waited for Billie.

About ten minutes later, Billie came back. It wasn't long after that I heard a announcement over the PA.

"Any student's who may have witnessed rocks being thrown and the fight that incurred please report to the office. Again any witnesses especially ones who saw rocks being thrown and the fight that incurred please report to the office. Thank you." The static of the mic being put back was the end of it and I waited.

A minute and two kids were already here, five minutes and the office was filled with talking kids. Damon came out of the office and called Billie in. Mr. Johnson came out and hushed everyone.

"How many here saw who threw rocks?" Mr. Johnson asked.

It surprised me, Jessica stepped forward, she smiled at me then at Mr. Johnson. "I did sir."

"Anyone else?" He asked.

No one else stepped forward, "Ok now who saw the whole fight?"

Another girl stepped forward and two boys. "Ok you four stay here, the rest of you may return to your classes."

Kids mumbled and bickered, but they all eventually left the office. Silence returned. my fingers were fidgeting. I couldn't stand Billie being in there all alone. After what seemed to be ages he emerged from the office, and sat down next to me. Mr. Johnson re-entered the office, and as he did I looked over at Billie and he smiled at me. I smiled back and grabbed his hand. Jessica was leaned against the desk and was staring straight at us. She giggled at us then said "You two are so cute! Kinda sucks your gay but what a cute couple you make!"

I blushed and saw a blush kiss Billies face. It made my heart flutter and melt. The other kids seemed to watch us uncomfortably. Yet Jessica barely seemed phased it struck me as odd.

"Thanks Jessica, but why are you so comfortable everyone else in here seems to be squirming?"

"Oh it's nothing new to me, my Uncles are gay, Uncle Larry and Uncle Steve. Uncle Larry is my Dad's brother. They're both really nice, and I usually go there for two weeks every summer plus they live right on the beach basically. My Uncle Larry is a big influence in my life so it made me realize that gay people are just people like me."

I smiled at her and the silence returned. That's when Mr. Johnson called Jessica into the office. She smiled and walked into the office. I began worrying, what if it hadn't of been Damon? What is she said it was someone else altogether? I felt sweat rolling down my face. I stretched to release some of the pressure that seemed to be building in me, and that's when I heard his voice echo out.

"Look at his wrist! He must be crazy!" Damon's voice bounced off the walls and his eyes seemed to have a new strength behind them. I had to think fast and I did.

"That's right I tried killing myself, and just think if I'm a danger to myself, just think what I could do to you."

"Crazy fag! Oh God I hope I didn't get your blood on me you probably have AIDS too!" My jaw clenched, right as my fists did. I nearly jumped out of my chair, and the security guard intervened.

"Cool it now both of you, no more talking!" He stood in between the space separating us.

The silence was almost broken immediately when Billie's Mom came in first. She pulled him up into a hug that only a Mother could give and then when their hug broke she pulled me into one as well. My anxiety was put to ease from the hug. Usually I cringe from human touch but it made me feel whole for a minute.

She looked at the three of us, she looked us all up and down and shook her head. She gave Damon a look that was almost as venomous as mine. Then without asking she pulled me out of my seat. "Let's go wash your hands."

As she pulled me towards the door the office lady stopped her, "Where do you think your going?"

"I'm taking him to the restroom so he can wash his hands. He obviously has damage to his hands and they should be cleaned."

"Take him to the nurses office then, it's through that door."

And so she did she dragged me by my unmarked wrist. In the nurses office, the nurse looked up from her chair. "Are you Justin's mother?"

"No, I'm Billie's, but Justin's Mother is a friend of mine. I wanted him to wash his hands, they have blood on them. I know from a Mother's standpoint if Damon's Mom sees the blood on his hands it will make this situation worse."

"Well while your here I should talk to you. I'm going to suggest to all of you that you watch your children, don't let them sleep for at least 8 hours. I don't think Billie will need stitches but, and I don't think he will have a concussion but it's better to be safe than sorry."

I listened as I washed my hands and as I washed between my fingers a sharp pain shot through my wrist and arm. I yelped out in pain and felt tears sting my eyes. Their talking quit immediately and they both stared at me. "Justin what's wrong?" Billie's Mom asked.

"My wrist it really hurts, I got a really sharp pain in it and now almost my whole arm is throbbing."

The nurse came over and grabbed my arm, and it's when I noticed my wrist was swollen. She looked at the healing scar. "Did you do this recently?"

"Yes. It's why I haven't been in school, my Mom told the principal before I came back about it."

"Why wasn't I told? Did they have to fix anything?"

"Yes, a cut tendon, and one that was only cut halfway through."

She grabbed a heat pack and an ice pack, and told me to go sit in the office while she finished talking to Billie's Mom. She also told me to alternate them every few minutes. I sat back down next to Billie. He smiled at me and saw the packs. He looked at me sideways in that way that makes my heart swell to the point of feeling as it could pop.

Jessica was also in the room again and both the other kids were gone. The office door opened I was hoping to see my Mom but it was Damon's She saw him and gasped. It was a few seconds after the gasp that she grabbed him into a hug and she started sniffling. "Who did this to you?!" She demanded. Her voice getting more high and frantic. I started feeling small, and that's when he pointed at me and said him.

She stared me down and started yelling at me. I only heard some of her words, and that's when the principal came out of his office with the other kid that had been in the office. He looked at her sideways and grimaced as "little fucker" came out of her mouth. "Excuse me Mrs. Dumont!"

"How could you allow this to happen to my son? You call this a school! I ought to..."

The principal interrupted her, "Shall we move to my office? There are kids in here that don't need to be a part of this." He stepped back and opened his door and held his arm out. She walked into his office and he shut the door.

To be continued....

Justin

I couldn't stop blushing, once we left the tunnel I couldn't stop it. I had seduced someone, not by dumb luck or instinct, but of my own making. It surprised me, I could see my world more clear it seemed as if I had made that choice that separated me from the other kids at school. I wasn't just a kid anymore and it kind of scared me, but not enough to ruin my afterglow. I look back at the walk home and think how corny I must have looked and not cute corny but the make yourself gag corny. I smile and cringe, and it kills me because I can't involve him anymore.

I lied to him and it hurts keeping it going. But not as bad as it does when he knows. If he knew my Dad was hitting me it would hurt him and it won't stop. It would be torture constantly. I laid in my room, contemplating for hours. Was I more of a scab or a glow in Billies life? Would my life drag him down? How long before he looked at me like him? Like nothing more than a scab, a piece of garbage. These torturing hours alone in my room. The TV cranked up, cowboys and Indians fighting, listening to him sleep. Waiting for the ball to drop, for the eggshells to shatter into dust. Wondering if it's sleep that will take him to bed or a work out I'd feel for days.

It's in moments of silence that people crack. I felt the walls trembling, the sinking of my mind into the dark abyss. Some people say hell is here on earth, while others like to think it's below us, or in another realm. I'm one of the ones who believe hell is here. In these small moments in time, where everything seems to stand still. Where reality and wonderland blend into one. That's hell...that's insanity.

It's in moments like these that people make irrational decisions, where pain exceeds the will to make it to the finish line. And the real contemplating began. Like a viral infestation neutralizing my emotions one by one.

Thoughts of making him stop came and went with thoughts of knives kissing the meaty flesh of my wrist and forearms. Scenes of my death played in my head, I could have control of my life. I could end this lifetime of pain and suffering.

At school the next day I tried avoiding Billie. I couldn't look him in the eyes before I broke his heart or I couldn't do it. I decided I'd wait until after school. I'd break up with him and it would kill me, but it didn't matter protecting him did and I was just so dead feeling.

Lunch time came around and there was no more avoiding him. He was waiting for me next to the lunch line I got in and he got in behind me. His smile made my heart melt, and almost brought me to tears. His love alone was the only thing keeping me going, what could I give him if I was always sucking from him? I smiled back, instantly even with thoughts plaguing my mind. I couldn’t stop myself if I tried. But I have to, I'll have to bare worse...

"Where have you been all day?" Billie asked.

"I ran a bit late this morning and I was tardy to Mr. Sanchez's class so he had one of his chats with me."

"Oh... ok, if you say so." he gave me another grin after a lopsided stare. "Sooo...?"

"So?" I said and I could hear the annoyance in my voice. I beat myself up for getting snappy. I couldn't help it, this constant pulling of my emotions, trying to detach while not making it obvious. It was eating me whole.

"Was just wondering what you were getting... you are kinda holding up the line. Are you sure your ok Justin?"

"Yes, yea... I'm sorry, I'm just grumpy I guess..." I said trying to hide my lie.

"Ok." Billie said staring at me harder now.

I grabbed my food, then a milk, then sat at our usual table. Billie followed and sat across from me. He picked at his French fries, and kept looking up at me from his tray. I smiled at him and he seemed to relax more. We started chit chatting about nothing I was happy for the small talk. It made it easier to hide my feelings. Josh sat down not far from us along with Rob. We said hi to them, Billie started talking to Josh, I don't know why but it made me mad. I used it and bottled it up inside. I watched him giggle and laugh, then when Josh gave him a small push, it had pushed me right over the edge. I grabbed my tray and threw what was on it in the trash and threw my tray with the rest and stormed towards my next class.

I swear you'd see the fumes floating from my being if you looked close enough. It was a minute or two after I arrived in the hallway outside my class that Billie found me.

"Why did you leave? You only drank some milk you didn't even eat anything."

"I just don't feel good, why don't you go hang out with Josh it looked like you two were having a great time!"

"What's wrong with you today!? I know you weren't late! I saw you get off your bus! I know you didn't stay longer in your class cus I went by it! So what the fuck is going on?! Why are you pushing me away?"

"I'm done."

"Your what?"

"I'm done. Billie, I, we can't do this here."

"Why not? Say what you need to Justin!"

I looked around the hall, this isn't what I wanted... this isn't how I saw it. I swallowed hard and let it come out. "I don't love you anymore Billie, I... I'm breaking up with you. I'm sorry."

"Your... your, how, wha-why?! Please Justin... what do you mean? How could you say that? It was only yesterday that you said. That you, you..." people started gathering, and tears started threatening to drop from his eyes and mine too. He ran away, and I felt the last pieces of my soul of my very heart die. I felt nothing anymore, I walked out of the school, and I kept walking. I walked all the way home. I didn't even realize it until my face nearly hit the front door. I went inside, the lights were off and I knew I was alone.

Alone... sitting here in this dark abyss. My mind still analyzing how I broke his heart, replaying his face, seeing the sadness brewing on it. Over and over hearing his words, knowing what he was going to say. How could I say I didn't love him when I had just said it the night before?

Sitting alone in the dark living room. It was normal, it was this temple of pain I grew up in. It was fitting that I'd learn what I myself could control. And how sad that the only thing that truly was mine, was my life. The knife I held it, staring at it, seeing its edges. It's sharp point, the reflection of my face on the almost pristine looking metal. I watched myself for an hour in my head, cutting into my arm, watching my blood pour out. I'd snap out of it and look at my unmarked flesh and let my mind sink again into the shower of blood that awaited in these sick visions.

This hysteria that clutched me, these tears that meant nothing, down to the insane giggles. I sank into memories, sucking up all the pain I could find, so I could make that slice. I let the edge slide across my skin, feeling the little tug from the blade. I did it a couple times, watching so intently. Daring myself to dig it in deeper. The dance lasted testing my stamina. Until I took the plunge. I held it so the tip rested on my wrist almost on my palm. The tears stopped I had no more to release.

It was a burning pain, feeling the tip puncture the skin, seeing the blood ooze out. It was shocking, how easy it was to sink it in. The pain seemed to even out to a dim annoyance. I took a breath, the last one I was sure I'd ever breathe again. I pulled the blade up along the under of my forearm. Watching it leave a small cavern which almost instantly filled with blood. It was unlike any blood I had seen before.

It looked almost black I saw it squirt and that's when the dizziness hit. It stopped squirting and it seemed as if it was going to end. I stumbled to the bathroom, turned on the water. I put my wrist under it, and as the water gushed from the faucet a crossed my flesh the blood began anew. The edges of the room became dimmer, and the dark abyss of my mind seemed to grow from the corners in to get me to claim me forever.

Before the darkness took me whole I felt free, it was as if serenity had finally found me. It could have been days, minutes, hours, even seconds, before my hearing came to me. I opened my eyes and was blinded by light. Was this heaven? Was this the light I was supposed to go to? Dare I look back to see if flames are coming to grab me?

My eyes began to adjust, and my feeling came to me. I tried moving but couldn't I was bound. I could see now I was in a room, a hospital room from the looks. I looked down and saw I was strapped down. I tried speaking but my throat was too dry and coarse feeling. I looked down, hoping this was Hell, purgatory, anything but life. The bandage on my arm was bulky and annoying. A dim pain radiated from my wrist.

The tears started by themselves, they were tears of anger. How? Why? I did it right, what went wrong? A blinding rage engulfed me, and the silence was finally broken. Shattered by my screams bouncing off the walls. I wanted to bury myself in the bed I was strapped to, I wanted my escape, my freedom. I had been so close.

It was in my moment of insanity that the nurse walked in. It was an older man, I didn't even notice him until he spoke. His voice seemed to cut through the fog of madness and his eyes seemed to pierce through me. They were caring, yet hard eyes. A aqua blue color that seemed to have a fire in them. He had salt and pepper hair like my father, but his face was kind. And his voice seemed so soothing.

"Hello Justin please calm down. My name is Steven, your in the hospital, under suicide watch. Do you need something, water? Maybe something for the pain?"

"No." I snapped.

"Are you sure? You lost a lot of fluids so to speak."

"Yes just leave me alone," I asked more calmly.

"Sure if you want I'll just go back to reading my magazine. Though if you could promise me something I may be able to make you feel more comfortable."

I muled it over, he didn't seem threatening. "Sure, what?"

"Can you promise you won't try to hurt yourself, or leave this room if I unfasten you?"

"Yes" I said maybe too eagerly.

"If not I'll have to sedate you."

"Fine."

His steps seemed very calculated as if everything he did was. He undid the ones on my ankles first, then then one on my waist. Finally my hands. I sat up and looked up at him. He gave me a grin and sat in a chair next to my bed. I looked around, it was a normal room. I looked out the window, wishing I were out there instead of in this room.

I decided I'd finally look at what caused this. I looked again at the bandage on my wrist. I decided to peek at it. I was halfway there where the nurse stopped me.

"What do you think your doing?"

"Looking at my damage."

"There's a bandage on it for a reason, leave it be please. It will need to be changed today so you will be able to see then."

I huffed a little but left it alone. That's when I saw the flowers on the table, with a card. I looked at them curious to know who they were from. At the same time I was dreading them. What if... what if they're from Billie? The mere thought of his name brought a flash to me.

It seemed as if I was plummeting into a day dream or rather being pulled in. I was in front of the sink again. Watching the blood mix with the running water. Dizziness claimed me and I fell to the floor. The darkness eating me alive again. Hearing a gasp, someone screaming my name. Trying to force my eyes open to see who, feeling someone grab my shoulders and laying me on the floor. Crying. My eyes fluttered open enough to see a glimpse, immediately my world shattered. Billie had found me, like that. Talking, it was so muffled, so frantic.

I felt the hand on my shoulder, this wasn't this dream, this memory. My Dad's face filled my head, that glare... it cut to my bone and froze my soul. I could hear screaming, it sounded so familiar. It was getting louder. Pain filled me, and this vision or whatever you could call it vanished. I looked up at a startled nurse and a couple of other nurses I assumed. They all stared at me, and I stared back, wondering how I ended up on the floor. Those damn tears started again.

"What's wrong? Are you ok?" The first nurse asked me. He got close and everyone else in the room seemed to be watching, or rather waiting. "Justin...?"

"What... how? Why?" My brain wouldn't work, it was trying to process this all and the pieces just wouldn't fit right. "What's happening to me? I can't anymore."

"Can you tell me what happened?" Steven asked.

"I... I don't know. I was looking at the flowers and... and I don't know I was day dreaming I think. I was remembering who found me... and... and..." I couldn't wait, I stood up and walked to the flowers and grabbed the card. it read "Get well soon, Billie". I thought the waterworks were bad before but reading it broke my heart. He saw me like that, he... he saved me after what I did to him. How much pain I must have put him through and he still got me flowers. "Billie... is he here?"

"He was. He and his parent's waited here through your surgery I was told. Justin, how often do you have these daydreams?"

"It was the first time, kind of."

"What do you mean by kind of?"

"Well... I kinda zone out now and then. I just stare off at. Wait, why do you want to know?"

"Because I want to help you, I am a Counselor here at John C Lincoln."

"You can't help me, no one can."

"Yes I can Justin, I think I can explain to you why you have these daydreams, but I need to know more information about them, about you. Would you like help?"

I thought it over, I could be careful. "Well...yes."

"Good, can you answer some questions for me?"

"Yes."

"Here I actually have a paper here you can do for me and it will give me some information I need. If I give you a pen, can you promise me you won't do anything stupid with it?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "You think someone would be dumb enough to say no if they thought they could do something with one?"

"Well... you do have a point, but I'm asking you, I'm being respectful and in return I have a feeling you will keep your word because of that fact."

"No I won't hurt myself, or anyone else, just because I want to die doesn't mean I want to hurt anyone."

"Ok, good Justin." Steven said while handing me a paper and pen.

I had seen papers similar to this, somewhat like the one the school counselor has. I started filling out the painfully dumb questions. While I filled it out the others left the room, and he sat and watched me. I hated being watched his eyes seemed to see through me and I didn't like it. After I was done I gave him back the paper and pen.

He set it to the side and didn't even read it. It hit a nerve in me for some reason and he seemed to notice. "Justin, I have to ask you some questions, and I want you to answer them as best as you can."

"Whatever." I said not liking how his eyes seem to tear through my defenses.

"First the bruises. You have many of them, how did you get them?"

"I'm clumsy, I trip over my feet now and then, stupid things like that. Two left feet."

"Justin, whatever you tell me is in confidence. Not even your parent's will hear a word spoken past this room. You understand?"

"Yes and I told you, I'm clumsy, I'm just stupid ok? I want to talk to my Mom."

"Justin, I'm trying to help you... what if I could help make it stop? What if there was no more pain but room to be happy? You tried to kill yourself, whatever pushed you to your limit, it needs to be removed. If it's not it's just going to build up again. Let me help you."

"I don't want to talk to you anymore, I want to speak to my parents."

"Ok Justin. If you change your mind, I will be here ok?"

"Ok." I said turning off my emotions trying to make myself a cold shell.

To be continued.

Chapter One:
Accepting The Truth

Josh had been starring at the wall for hours. He had tried to shut down his mind but could not release the thoughts. The thoughts soon became very intense more intense from what they were. He needed the release of the tensions building within him and there was only one way he could. He needed to face the reality of the situation, but the though of it drew him close to tears. He knew deep down what he was what he needed what he craved but he was ashamed of the feelings, the feelings of lust were now like a butterfly flapping around in his stomach. In his stomach, the butterflies had grown to a flock of crows and ravens. Painful as it was he knew the truth and had to act on it, act on it now, before it was too late. He then stood off his bed, which seemed to confine him to the lie he wanted to force-feed himself, he knew what had to be done and he reached the door. He walked down the hallway to the living room.

"Mom I'm going out for awhile I'll be back around 10:30. I'll get something to eat before coming home, ok?"

"Yes, but no later than 10:30! Do you hear me?"

"Yes mom, I'll make sure I get home by then, sorry about last time."

"You better be sorry because this time you'll get grounded!"

"OK! I get it! Jeez!" Josh said as he slipped out the door.

A few blocks away Rob was sitting in his room too. He was thinking about things that he had never thought about before. He was confused he hated what he was thinking what was happening to him. He had tried hiding the truth, but the truth slowly ate at him. The lie he was living was becoming unbearable. All he could think is 'why me, why am I the fucking faggot?'. As he lay there on his bed watching the ceiling fan spin he kept thinking what he wanted but he kept denying himself the full truth he didn't want to accept it. What would his friends think, especially his best friend Josh? How would he react knowing that a fag was in love with him, his best friend on top of that. He decided he needed to quit moping around and get his homework done. If he didn't finish his English homework his 7 period teacher, Mrs. Tingle was going to give him a detention. He grabbed the materials needed and then started writing his book report. As he sighed he bitched to himself about having to write a book report on his weekend. About 15 minutes into writing he heard a knock at his door.

"Mom, Dad, I got it." He yelled from his room. He then walked downstairs to the door. He opened to see Josh standing there. "Jeez! What are you doing out in this weather! Dummy its even haling out!"

"Yea, sadly I know!" Josh said. "So are you gonna let me in?"

"Oh, yea, sorry. Come on lets go up to my room."

"Honey who is here?" Mrs. James asked.

"Its Josh mom, we're gonna hang out for awhile."

"Ok, will you be staying the night josh?" She called from the kitchen.

"I'll Have to call my mom to ask but that would be nice."

"Ok hun, you know where the phone is."

After Josh got done calling his mom and getting permission he went to Rob's room. When he walked in Rob was on his bed with Marilyn Manson on the stereo. He then went and sat down on the desk chair next to his bed. He looked at Rob seriously then declared he had something to say.

"Hey.. man I got to tell you something. If you hate me after I tell you, I'll understand..."

"What could possibly make me hate you?" Rob said.

"Well... I'm... you know a... a fag."

Rob sat straight up with a shocked look on his face. He stared at Josh for about a minute. Josh then said he understood and started walking to the door. Right before he turned the knob Rob ran over and grabbed his hand. "No don't go... I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." He said calmly. "But I have to know, are you serious? I don't care but I need to know the truth."

"Yea..." Josh said miserably.

"Why did you tell me?"

"Because... you're my best friend and, and..."

"And what?"

"I'm sorry I can't say it..."

"Yes you can."

"I... I like you, you know, more than a friend." Josh said feeling his eyes starting to get watery.

"Ok." He said calmly. He then grabbed Josh and pulled him into a hug. Josh by this point was so confused he just stood there dumbfounded. Then the tears started coming, he was happy he wasn't rejected but he didn't know how to act to this, they hadn't hugged each other since they were like 9. Then Rob's mom knocked at the door. They both jumped Josh rubbed the tears from his face and rob said come in.

"Hey you two I've just finished making some fudge, come down and get some with Dave and I." She said then she looked over at Josh and saw that he'd been crying. "Why, what's wrong Josh?"

"Nothing!" He said a bit too quickly.

"Well, ok if you say so. You two didn't get into a fight did you?"

"No mom. We were wrestling and Josh hit his head on the chair."

"Ok, Josh are you ok?"

"Yea. It just stung a little is all."

"Ok then, let's go! Before Dave eats all the fudge!" She said as she smiled.

*****

After munching down their fudge Rob and Josh went back up to his room. Where it was Rob's turn to fill in Josh on what his true feelings were. After they both told each other they hugged and talked about how long each of them had felt the way they did. They both agreed that they shouldn't tell anyone. Out of nowhere Rob leaned over and kissed Josh. Josh just sat there not knowing what to do but then it clicked. He started kissing back. They didn't even notice when Mr. & Mrs. James came in to tell them good night.

"Josh! Rob! What in hell are you two doing!?"

"Oh shit!" Rob said startled. Josh stared, shocked speechless.

"Oh shit is right boy!" Dave said furiously.

"Dad... I'm sorry, but it's how I feel."

"Well it's wrong! You are not gonna be another one of those fucking fags prancing around at one of those gay pride extravaganzas! I will not have it! Not now, not ever!" When that was said Jane out of nowhere slapped Dave's face twice.

"You shall never use those fucking words in my house! Yes that's right Dave, my house, my mother left it to me when she died, not you! If you ever, and I mean ever use those disgusting words towards our son ever again I'll divorce your ass, do you hear me!?" At that Josh, Rob, and Dave's jaws all fell. Not one of them had ever really heard Rob's mom say more than shit or ass and she used more than that and with a force none of them had seen before.

"Yeah keep on doing it! Baby him some more why don't you? Make him into a pussy even more!"

SLAP! "What did I hear you say!?" Jane said more ferociously than she had before. "Leave! Go to a fucking hotel for the night until you realize how much of an asshole you are being! Don't come back if you don't plan on saying sorry!"

"Fine!" He said, and with that he went and got a pair of clothes and his shoes then left.

"Sorry boys... we'll talk later." Jane said going into her room.

Both boys just sat there and stared at each other as if they were aliens. Then looked at Rob's parents door when it closed.

"I'm sorry Rob." Josh said sheepishly.

"Don't be it's not your fault and personally I liked what we did!"

Both boys sat in silence.

*****

About an hour later Jane quietly walked out of her room and into Rob's. She sat down by Rob and motioned Josh to sit next to her. So he stood up and walked slowly towards her, not knowing what to expect. After knowing her since he was 7 he'd never seen her like this. He was afraid but calm. Sure he had seen Dave and Jane fight but not like this, and not because he and Rob started it.

"Ok boys. I've always wondered about you two so it isn't too much of a shock for me. Secondly I'd like to apologize for how Dave and I reacted. It wasn't right of us, and I don't want either one of you to feel as if it's your fault, it's not. Your dad is paranoid, before we were married I told him about me and the fact is, I'm bisexual. He probably thinks that some how I infected you two. So anyway my point is, I know neither of you chose to be gay, like I didn't choose to be bi or like how your father didn't decide to be straight. It just happens, I know. Now I'm alright with this, but I'll say this much. You are not old enough to have sex, but lets face it, I wasn't any virgin at 16 either." She said while lighting up a cigarette. "So tell me the truth... have you two gotten sexual about this?"

"No!" They both said in unison.

"Ok, so how long has this been going on?"

"Just tonight." Rob said.

"Ah ha I see now, that's why you were crying josh and why you both looked awkward."

"Well then, I know I am probably not going to be able to get you boys not to have sex. So I'll say this, it will not be here, you will were condoms, and you will read up on it first! Understand?"

"Yes Mrs. James"

"Yes Mom."

"Good. So we have the rules down, secondly I will not walk in anymore without knocking. I am not gonna say you can't kiss because that would be stupid, But I ask you don't do it in front of Dave, I don't mind really, but Dave will, we both were looking forward to grandchildren, but we still have Carol for that."

"Mom! Please don't tell her she's a Senior we are only sophomores she'll kick our asses then tell her friends."

"I'm not telling anyone, that's your business no one else's. Josh if you ever want to face this with your parents I'm here to help you ok?"

"Yes, Mrs. James."

"Josh one more thing. It's Jane... I feel so old when people call me that."

"Ok Mrs... I mean Jane."

"Good boy." She said and smiled. "Well I'm going to bed, good night boys. And remember the rules!"

"Ok" They both said.

After she left the room the boys looked at each other and sighed with relief. They then closed the door striped down to their boxers and went to bed. Josh woke up that night when he heard Jane's door open. He heard talking, so he knew Dave was back. In a few minutes he heard more yelling like before. This woke up Rob as well. They both looked at each other with miserable faces. They both decided on sneaking out. After they got dressed they went out the window then went into the old tree fort they had made with the help of Dave. They lit the candles that were in there and then Rob went back in, got the extension cord and brought the stereo with him.

"Whatcha wanna listen to?" Rob said while yawning.

"How 'bout Otep?"

"Ok." He said as he pulled the cd out of the cd holder and put it in. They turned it down to a whisper noise to not disturb the neighbors. Rob grabbed the hidden pack of cigarettes and they both smoked one. "Remember how we used to camp out up in here?" Rob said.

"Yea, some of the best times we had were in this old fort. Haha remember when Shelly and her friend Agatha tried to come up that one day and we dumped dish water on them? Then they ran away screaming and saying we were brats?"

"Ha! Do I ever. I never thought I saw Shelly so mad before! Back then she didn't even need PMS as a bitch pass."

"Hehe I think it's even more precious because Agatha came back and pleaded her undying love to you."

"I have a question. You know how we used to take my dads old porn mags and look at them?"

"Yea, what about them?"

"Well my question is, did you look at the girls or the guys when we jacked off?"

With that Josh blushed, "The guys. I never did like the girls I mean ew! They have two holes and they look absolutely disgusting!"

"I couldn't agree more with that. Matt said he liked it, he said he ate out Shelly... when he told me that I thought I was gonna puke and what's worse is he said he liked the smell the most! I mean ew!!"

"Haha! I guess it all depends on what you like."

"Yea I guess so."

"So... do you think your mom would consider this 'out of the house'?"

"Hmm I dunno my dad is home, if we did anything and got caught he'd kill us both on the spot."

"Do you forget, this ole fort has a door." Josh said as he pulled it shut.

"I want to... but it's doesn't feel right yet. Maybe just kissing, after all he already saw that and mom said we could."

"Fine with me! Even though we were caught it was the best kiss I have ever had!"

Rob giggled a little. "Me too." He said leaning in. He then pulled Josh over to him. They then started groping and kissing furiously. Until they heard Jane call them to come in. They both sighed with frustration, but obeyed. They climbed out of the tree fort Josh with the cds Rob with the stereo.

"What were you boys doing out there!?" Dave said menacingly.

"Just getting away from your yelling and listening to music." Rob said daringly.

"Boy don't you get smart-ass on me!"

"I was just telling the truth!"

"That's--"

"Enough Dave! You're just being ignorant! Leave them alone." Jane said pushing him out the door. "Good night boys."

Once again they got ready for bed, but this time enjoyed a few kisses first.

Chapter One

It was another bad day, it was Monday morning and my alarm clock was blaring. I vaguely remember hitting my alarm clock and hearing it hit the floor. I sighed as I threw the covers off my head; the light was shining through the blinds and blinding me. I cursed at the offending light and wished I could wither and die under my soft warm blankets. My Mother though, knowing how I was came in my room, and pulled the covers off of me. I grumbled in protest but she smacked my leg and shouted up. I stumbled from my bed, still zombie like, I went to my closet and pulled out some clothes, threw them on my bed then went to the bathroom. I lit one of the candles on the toilet and switched the light off. I got in the shower and let the warm water cascade down my body I was contemplating whether I should take care of my hardon when my Mother announced I was running late.

I got out of the shower, knowing if I was late to my homeroom class I'd be serving a Saturday detention, and let's face it when your Mother is the principle there's no slacking off. She always made an example of me, like 'he's my son and I did this to him, don't test me.' then there was the teasing factor, it died in ninth grade but still... Mother square by Principle = not good! I never went with her to school, I rather be caught with a hardon in PE before being caught in the principles car! That was just a way to be deemed a teachers pet, and I didn't need that. I had a reputation to uphold, plus it would only give the jocks one more reason to rag on me, and that wasn't good. I wasn't smart, I'd yell back, and I wasn't afraid to swing. My Mother also knew this, she had suspended me a couple of times for getting in fights with the Jocks.

Let me explain since ninth grade the Goths, and Jocks had been enemies. We are considered a bunch of fags, which is only half true, sure theres maybe 3 gay kids who are Goth so what. They always think they're better than we are, they can go suck on a donkey dick for all I care, they're jerks and I won't allow them to walk on friends or me. At least that's what I thought, but on this day I'd be getting into a situation where everything would change. But beside the point, today was basically like any other day. I wished I were in my bed sleeping, or in a small hole dying. Either one of those options are better than high school. Sure I only had one year left after this year, which would make me a junior. I heard my friend outside honking his horn. I finished lacing up my boots and went outside. When I got to his car I noticed a new person. "Hey Jimmy, what's up?" I said looking at the new person in the car.

"Not much, this is my cousin Peter, he'll be moving into the Johnson's house. Him and his 'rents are moving here from upstate New York, near Elmira."

"Hi Peter nice to meet you." I said as nice as I could, I always try to be nice to new people, but I think most of the time I come off sounding cocky and mean. I can't help it I'm anti-social, I just can't relate with "normal" people and I'm far from "normal" he didn't seem to care as he smiled and said hi.

"Didn't your Mom ban rock shirts?" Jimmy asked.

"Yea, so?"

"You push her buttons too much, no wonder you get detentions so often."

"Huh, how can you get detention for making your Mom pissed?"

Ah... I see Jimmy forgot to mention a few details. "My Mother is the principle of the High School, which means she punishes me worse than everyone else. She'd tell most kids to turn their shirt inside out instead she'll give me an after school detention if she sees me wearing it. I don't care though, as long as I make it to work on time." He seemed to absorb this information and went back to looking out the back window. When we got to school, I ran to my first class, I wasn't going to be late dammit!

I sat down right when the tardy bell rang and sighed for making it just in time, Dean also known as, Mr. Judas, is my homeroom teacher, who teaches Math, he also comes over once a week to eat dinner then him and my Mother go out. It sicks me out, the last person I need for a stepfather is my Math teacher, and can you say 'twisted'? I felt a chill run down my spine when he pushed his glasses down and stared at me unapprovingly. I didn't care, I wasn't here to make him happy, I pulled out my notepad for Math and did the assignment on the board. I was done about half an hour into the class, and so I took out my sketchpad and drew a girl. I have an obsession with drawing hot looking chics with lots of weapons and leather. I'm gay, yet I draw girls, go figure ehh?

Dean walked up next to me and reached for my sketched pad, I pulled it quickly out of his reach and showed him my work. He looked it over and told me to redo 15. I checked it and saw my error; I fixed it and put it in my backpack. It wasn't long before the bell rang and I was making my way to shop, we were actually going to make something I could use. We were making cedar boxes, it would do well for my pot, and it would hide the smell better and be easily hidden. Jimmy was in this class with me, and we usually worked at the same table. We talked too much like usual and got yelled at. Mr. Chadwick isn't one to play with, he'd send you to the office for looking at him the wrong way. We shut up and went back to sawing our pieces. Once they were sawed we glued them together then stapled them. The hinges and lids were to be done at home for homework. I grabbed my stuff and threw it in my bag the class bell rang and I practically ran from the room.

I suddenly realized I never went to the bathroom this morning and my bladder was feeling it! I went into the bathroom and one of my most hated enemies was also there, Brad Nicholson. I hated him, he was the quarterback for the football team. He grunted at me in a foul protest, and called me a fag. In return I grabbed myself and pretended to adjust myself, he glared at me then left quickly. I did my business washed my hands, and made my way to science.

It was Mrs. Tingle who I loved, but would soon hate. We had to have partners for this project and she had to team me up with Brad, yup the guy I just saw, my enemy, the one person on earth I could truly say I hated with all my might! We needed to do a project about another country. She picked him to pick the country out of her stupid fishbowl. We ended up getting Brazil, we had a week to make a 25-page report on Brazil, the main flowers, the population, all of the stupid information you could possibly gather. Come on in ten years why in the hell am I going to need to know how many people live in Brazil?! I grumbled, when Brad sat next to me, he looked at me and had the same look on his face. I protested after class, I even said I'd do the report myself if it came to that, Mrs. Tingle looked at Brad and I.

"I know you two dislike each other, it's the main reason I paired you two up! This is a way you two can work together, maybe get to know each other, for one full week you two will work on this together. Oh and Mr. Nicholson, you know you need at least a B on this report to pass my class and stay on the team, I suggest you two work hard on this! Mr. Finn, don't think your gonna get revenge, because if he doesn't get a B on this I know it will be because you didn't put in enough of an effort, seeming your a straight A student!" I mumbled, she had us both by the balls, and the fact that her and my Mother always had a bingo night with some of the other teachers I knew I couldn't be a dick and let the stupid one do it all by himself...

"Fine!" I said as I formed an image in my head of me leaping at Mrs. Tingle like a tiger and ripping her to pieces for putting me in this situation! Grrrr!

Brad looked at me then asked me when he could come over. God help me, I don't want to go to prison, don't let me kill him... please! "Is five ok?" I said trying to be nice, I failed miserably, I could hear the venom in my words.

"I was thinking more around six, I have football practice until 5:10."

"Fine... bye!" I said walking off to lunch as quickly as I could. Damn her to hell! How could she do this to me? Why!? Dammit all to hell! I thought as I walked to the parking lot. I met Jimmy his cousin and Amber by his car. "You are never going to believe what Mrs. Tingle did to me!"

"Let me guess, she hooked you up with a Jock?"

"How the hell did you know?"

"She did it to us as well! I think she is doing it to anyone that's goth and jock and in the same class."

"The stupid bitch, she hooked my ass up with Clive! I might as well slit my wrist and hope for a better suffering!" Amber said as she flipped her long hair from her face. "Clive has been drooling over me since sixth grade! Well up until about 7th, until I kicked him in the nuts I'm stuck too, if I want to pass her class I need a C on this report, 50% of our grade, what is that bullshit about anyway? I think it's just to trap us into it!" She growled in protest then went on, "Baby, what the hell am I going to do with some stupid jock at my house or me at his? When he comes over tomorrow you better be there Jimmy or I'll kick your ass, and be sure to be hanging all over me, he doesn't need any ideas about me being attracted to him!"

"Sexy if he looks at you in the wrong way you know I'll be all over his ass, no one checks out you without hell to pay." I stuck my finger in my mouth and made a gagging noise when they kissed.

"Steve shut up, you know you want me even if you are gay!" Amber said, and smiled.

"You wish Hun, I only like dick."

"Del Taco?" Jimmy said.

"Sounds good." I said, Amber agreed.

"What's Del taco?" Peter asked.

"What!?" Jimmy said.

"You've never been to Del Taco?" Amber asked.

"Nope, is it good?"

"Fuck yea." I said.

"Cool, I'm game." I stared at him a little weird, only Jock's said that phrase...

The others noticed as well and didn't say anything. We all pilled into the car I shared the back seat with Peter, we talked while Jimmy and Amber talked in the front seat. I was asking him how his day went when we pulled into the parking lot and saw Brad's truck full of his team members. Dammit! What else is going to go wrong!? They saw us and some cussed at us. I didn't care I was hungry, and a couple of tacos sounded even more good to my stomach! I walked by them, and felt their eyes on me, I didn't care. They're a bunch of jackasses plus fighting here would attract the police and no one needed that.

We piled inside and got our orders. It wasn't long before my number was called, Brad's was also called at the same time, and his lunch wasn't very different than mine, I decided I hated tacos... My ex was behind the counter, we were still good friends. We weren't really ever boyfriends anyway, it was more like fuck buddies. Still it was sometimes awkward around each other. I'd always remember having sex with him when I saw him and personally, I always liked it. I still wanted him and I swear he still wanted me, but he decided he was straight so that only left room for a friend. I went back to our table and sat next to Amber and Peter. She smiled like always and whispered in my ear.

"At least you got one of the cuter Jocks for a partner, you do know he's been watching you right?"

I coughed on my soda, and felt my eyes bulge. I choked out "WHAT?" I got a lot of looks, she just started laughing. I couldn't help myself, I looked at Brad and noticed he was hot but eww no! Dammit I cannot and will not allow myself to think of him that way - no! It's just wrong eww she said he was looking at me!

"It's true, I so swear babe!" she leaned in closer. "He looked you over when you were at the counter... I swear it looked like he was checking you out."

"Mein Gottes! Nein! No! No! Yuck sick twisted wrong, no!" She laughed really hard, I hated it when I got overly hyper, or when I got mad, I'd go in-between English and German. Jimmy got back in time to hear my statement.

"What was that for?"

"Ask your girlfriend..." he looked at her, she leaned in and he started laughing.

"Fuck you both." I said in my defense.

"The scary part is I can see it." He laughed harder. I ate my Tacos fast and threw the garbage away I went outside I needed a cigarette before school started again. I took long deep drags off of my cigarette and fumed a little. The clan of Jocks came out and walked past me, some stared others taunted. I made sure my face stayed void of any expressions. It wasn't long after that the rest of the group came out and we headed to school. The rest of the day was boring like usual I didn't learn anything that would help me like they said it would. I knew better than that, who uses history later on in life? Sure it can be interesting to learn about but how many people are going to ask you when Clinton was elected? He was such a cool president, damn Bush! PE was my last class, and I enjoyed it, I could build up muscles for an hour and get an A for working out. Too easy if you ask me, but I liked the six pack that was getting more and more defined! When it came time to shower I wasn't very willing, what can I say, guys are yummy and even more so naked! It's hard controlling your dick when your 17 and cold water doesn't work for me. It's not like I was a closet case, everyone knows I'm gay. Since I was caught with my tongue down Daniels throat in ninth grade. Still though, getting a boner in the showers wouldn't be good, it would cause way too much grief.

I made it through with no surprises, which isn't easy but oh well. I walked home instead today, it was a two-mile walk but I didn't care. When I got home it was 4:30. I put "Mechanical Animals" in the CD player and turned it to "User Friendly" From "Marilyn Manson" I pulled out my homework and did it. I laid back kicked off my shoes and let the tunes enter my head, it was now on 'Coma White' My Mother called to tell me that she wouldn't be home until 8, she told me to cook the Asian Stirfry. I didn't argue as I liked it, and it was fast to make. I hooked my playstation up and put in Tekken. I played a few rounds then went to go make dinner.

I prepared the beef, cut it into thin strips then cooked them, I put the beef in the strainer, added the oil to the wok (A pan that looks like a bowl) put the veggies in after the pan was warmed up. The doorbell rang, it was 5:49, I went to the door, and there stood, Brad... great he's early! I had him follow me to the kitchen. I threw the beef into the mixture of veggies and stirred it. He sat at the table, and didn't say anything. I was happy for that, but I felt his eyes on my back and it bugged me, I didn't like being watched.

"Have you eaten?" I asked.

"Nope."

"Like stir-fry?"

"If it's food, I'll eat it."

"Good." I said stirring it again. "I'll be right back, will you stir this while I change the music?"

"Fine."

I left the kitchen, this felt way too weird, he was being "nice" and I wasn't being a total dick, what was wrong with this picture? I put in Slipknot and went back into the kitchen, Brad was stirring the food.

"Thanks..." I said and snatched the utensil from him. He went back to the table and I felt his eyes again. Dammit! The food was almost done, I opened the sesame-seed sauce and poured it onto the food. I grabbed out two bowls and two forks, set then on the counter next to the stove then covered the wok with it's lid. I grabbed out two cans of Pepsi and gave one to Brad. I served up the food, put it on a cool burner then grabbed his bowl gave it to him and sat across from him, I didn't want to sit next to him, that was crossing my bounds of comfort.

"Do you have internet access?"

"Yes." I said in-between bites of food.

He got silent and so did I, there was nothing to talk about, I didn't like sports, I didn't like pop music, and I didn't care for main brand clothes. I stared at my food, and decided I wasn't hungry, I ate anyway. I looked away from my food and at Brad, and saw he was treating his food the same way.

"Ok let's skip the niceness and get to the point, we're stuck with doing this report together, we both would have rather been paired up with someone else. SO now that we're past that, I have no idea of what you like or anything else, so I have no idea what to talk about."

"Same here."

"Lets fix that problem and tomorrow we can act like we've never seen each other before for all I care. I like Metal, mosh pits, witchcraft, guys, writing, and drawing."

"Metal is good, mosh pits are fun... I like football obviously."

"Ok." I said and stood up. I wasn't hungry, I put my food away, and sat back down. He finished and I had him follow me to my room. I booted up my pc and grabbed the foldable chair out of my closet. I opened my window then sat down at the desk. He looked around my room, it must have been strange for him. My Mother knows I'm gay, and I don't hide the fact I like guys, as my walls are plastered with posters of half naked guys. He looked at them, as if he was uncomfortable, but his eyes lingered a little too long. No that had to be my imagination and the twisted thoughts of Amber plaguing my mind. He didn't say any fag comments, which surprised me.

He sat next to me and I went to google. We spent the next half-hour printing pictures and information. It had been during that time Brad had gotten uncomfortably too close. I didn't even realize it, but his chair was practically touching mine... I didn't say anything. I was probably just hallucinating, I wrote down all of the URL's of where I got information and put it in a folder. I was done for today, I didn't like this situation.

"How about we call it a day?"

"You sure?" He said getting closer yet. I shook my head and got out of my chair, and walked to my door. He stood up but didn't leave the computer area, he sat back down on the chair and faced me. He looked me up and down, I knew he was checking me out, it thrilled me but also made me quiver in disgust. I'm supposed to hate him, not think he's hot dammit! He stared at me, and I stared back.

"Mrs. Tingle did say she wanted us to get to know each other," He smiled. "I know you want me."

My head spun, where the hell did that come from? Oh my fucking Gods' Amber was right!

"Uh, What!?"

"You heard me, what better way is there of getting to know each other? What do you say, wanna suck my dick?" My jaw fell, I felt it fall. I did want him, he was hot! But that would be so wrong, he's my enemy, enemies don't fuck! Then again, no one would ever know, he wouldn't tell anyone that's for sure. I sure in the hell wouldn't. No, bad idea...

"No, I don't like you, I only play with people I like." He pulled his shirt off What the .... fuck? He stood and undid his belt and button. "Do you not understand the words that came from my mouth? I said no."

"I'll return the favor, hell we could do it at the same time, what do you say?" What do I say? Is this happening? Or is this some wet dream gone all wrong? What- "The fuck." I said right before his lips were pushed against mine. I felt his tongue at my lips, I started to kiss back but then pushed him back. "What the fuck?" My head was spinning, everything that was reality just went out the window! Where's the camera what fucked up show am I on?

"I like you, and I think you might find me sexually appealing too. If you do why not just let go and go with the flow?"

What the hell is going on? Should I do it? No of coarse not, but then again... fucking harmones!! This is wrong, or is it, maybe I could use this to my advantage. "What if I say yes? What in the hell could I possibly gain from this, I've hated you since fifth grade at least! You always tormented me why should I go and give you a blowjob?"

"I acted like I hated you, I hated you even more when I found out you were gay. I wanted you, and instead you wanted that fucking nerd! So maybe we can just have some fun, it doesn't have to change anything at school."

"What? Why didn't you just say so, especially after I was found out?"

"I'm the quarterback! Do you think the Coach is gonna favor a faggot, or that my teammates would, you can't be that dumb. Anyone who hangs out with you is labeled a fag, I can't have that."

"I don't play with closet cases."

"Don't lie, everyone knows about you and David. Ever since the party at Scott's, did you two actually think no one would put the pieces together? He was practically drooling over you in Del Taco, you sure have a thing for nerds."

"Nerds are cool, unlike superficial jocks! I think you need to leave now, we can work on our project when my Mother is home." He didn't even look phased, instead he got closer. I felt his breath on my face, I knew what was coming next and I stood there.

He was persistent, I'd give him that much. His arm wrapped around my waist and he pushed his body up against mine I wanted to push back but this was too weird. His hand found it's way down my pants, my eyes opened wide I couldn't believe this, it was so impossible so improbable! I didn't stop him as I felt his hand find my hardening member, I would follow his example and just go with it.

It was on my bed, and him unzipping my pants, the weirdest thing happened. Amber stuck her head through my window, I jumped a mile in the air, Brad didn't seem to understand why, but then he leaped away from me and started shouting.

"How dare you come onto me, you faggot!?"

Ok... how the fuck do I respond to this? I was lost to say the least, and my mind hadn't caught up yet, or maybe it was malfunctioning? I looked in-between Amber and Brad. Amber had a huge grin on her face, Brad stared at me with what looked like disgust, I didn't hear him complaining when he grabbed my dick, the dick. "Uhm... Hi Amber." I said still replaying what happened in my mind, what the fuck was that all about? Could someone smack me awake now?

"I'll leave you two boys alone." She smiled, giggled and left.

"You need to leave now." I said against my will.

"Bye." He said, he wasn't even dressed when he left my room. I sat on my bed, my head was spinning.

It was awhile before my Mother got home, Dean was with her, I smirked at him and shut my door, I threw off my shirt and it landed near the foot of my bed, I fell back onto the mattress and let the thoughts mingle in my head. I was now horny thanks to Brad and the worst part is I hated him. It's confusing to be attracted to one of your enemies, and I was. I wonder if Amber was going to blabber this to Jimmy. It was around 10 when I heard the living room TV turn on, and I heard Dean and my Mom talking.

"We can't do that, Steve would know the reason behind it."

"Charlene, he isn't stupid, he probably already suspects it."

"I don't know, you staying the night is... risky."

"Will you two keep it quiet, people are trying to sleep! Oh and if you wanna fuck him don't let me stop you." I said, I heard her gasp. I loved being a smart-ass, it had it's downs at times though. My mouth had gotten me into trouble A LOT.

"Steven Joseph Finn! You watch that mouth boy!"

I laughed, and turned on some Manson. It would eat at her nerves a bit more, what can I say I love pushing her buttons! It wasn't long before I was wrapped up in watching Akira I loved that movie it was one of my favorites, next would come Ghost In The Shell, it was also another great Anime movie. My phone had a different idea as it rang near the end when he could no longer control his power, I mumbled as I paused the dvd and picked up my phone. The surprise was who was on the other end. Brad's voice filled my ears.

"Is Steve there?"

"What do you want?"

"Can we talk ... in person?"

"Why?"

"I think I need to explain my actions." Dammit! Now I have to go because I'm way too curious, and maybe I won't freeze up again... Get a grip he's a dick! "Fine... meet me at the corner of Los Palmaritas."

"Cool, see you in about ten then."

I hung up and grumbled to myself, what am I doing, why am I doing this. Oh I know because I'm a slave to my harmones! I fumed to myself as I pulled on my boots and laced them up. I put on my chain wallet and my satanic like rings. I loved skulls and horns way too much... I walked into the living room and felt like puking. Dean was on top of my Mom making out with her, what a sick and wrong sight to see. I'll go insane before my Math teacher becomes my potential step-father. I grumbled to myself again and walked out the front door. My Mom gasped at not knowing I was there, I closed the door before she could tell me it was past my curfew. I quickly walked away from my house towards the corner by Jimmy's house. No doubt I could probably find him in his backyard swimming and smoking a fat joint. I was tempted but didn't go to his house. His dog noticed me and whined, I told it to shut up and it did, the last thing I needed was jimmy to see me talking to Brad...

Brad pulled up in his truck, and he wasn't alone. I didn't like this he said nothing about one of his friends coming along, and I thought this chat could be done in my comfort zone. The truck pulled up to me, Brad lowered his window, it was Nick in the passenger seat.

"Hop in."

"You didn't mention there would be company."

"I'm dropping him off at home."

"Drop him off then come back, I'll wait here, I have to be home by 12 or my mom will make me commit hara-kiri!"

"Hara-what?" Nick said. I must have looked at him as if he were an idiot, ok I'll explain this to his small, small brain.

"Suicide by disemboweling yourself." I think I used small enough words as he nodded his head, as if in awe. I felt like hitting my forehead and saying duh. "Oh yea, so you should hurry if we're going to talk as it's already 10:33."

His face wrinkled up "Fine, but don't leave I'll be back!"

I rolled my eyes, "Oh yea I'm gonna hang out with my friend, I'll leave his house at 11, but I'm leaving by 11:50." He frowned at me and drove off.

I was happy I was in some stage of control, I walked a crossed the street and went into the backyard, I was right, Jimmy was in the shallow end of his pool smoking, he splashed me some then handed the joint to me. I ended up stripping to my boxers and got in as well, his heated pool is awesome. The stupid alarm went off on my phone and I told Jimmy I'd see him tomorrow. I went the street sign where Brad was waiting. I got in, happy no one else was there.

"What did you want to talk about?"

"Sorry about earlier, I just don't know how to express myself to you, so I tried hating you."

And I thought daytime television was pathetic... I shook my head and made some kind of noise. His words went in one ear and out the other, I caught a little bit here and there, so if he asked something I might know what he wanted as an answer.

"So what I'm saying is, I like you."

That sentence broke through and bounced through my head, he didn't just say what he did, right? "What?!"

"I like you!"

I smacked my head and said "Wake up!" Hoping this was some fucked codeine dream, it had to be. Reality didn't do this to me, it couldn't dammit.

"You are awake." He stared at me and looked very serious, what do I do now? He liked me, what the fuck did that mean exactly? Did he just want to be fuck buddies, friends, boyfriends?

"What do you want? Get to the full point."

"I want to have sex with you, I've never really been with a guy, I've always wanted to though, with you."

I coughed on the water I was drinking, "I don't think that's a good idea at all."

"I do, I could keep my friends away from your friends you could do the same, and all you'd need to do is experiment with me."

"I get my own conditions then."

"What are they?"

"No anal, my ass is limited!"

"I could deal with that."

"Fine, I need to go now." I said, looking at my watch, it was only 11:17.

"You said you have until 11:50, we could... find a place."

"I'm not a slut, I'm not gonna get your rocks off without knowing a little about you!"

"Fine, what do you want to know?"

"Come over after school to work on the project." I said getting out of his truck. I started walking home, his truck started up.

"What time?" He asked out his open passenger window.

"Got practice?"

"Nope."

"I usually get home by 4:30, make it before seven or you'll get to see the teachers bingo night..."

He looked at me weird and said ok, he drove off and I walked the rest of the way home. My Mother and Dean were nowhere to be seen, I walked to my bedroom and noticed my Mothers door was closed, gross I was right. I went into my room, put on some music, set my alarm clock, then drifted off to sleep. I was having a weird dream, there was a loud beeping. Wait, that's my alarm clock... it can't be 6 already!

Yep that's my alarm, dammit, I need more sleep! I mumbled like usual, and bitched to myself for having to go to school so damned early. Once again I threw my alarm clock to the floor and listened as the annoying beeping died. My alarm clock seemed to be indestructible, every morning I'd knock it off onto the wood floor, it would shut it off and yet it always worked the next day. It's not like I needed one anyway, my Mother always made sure I was up. I heard laughing coming somewhere from within the house, it was a male voice, not my Mother's... if he's still here I'll be taking Amber's advice with hoping for a better suffering...

Sadly I was right and he was still here, I'd be damned if my name became Steven Judas! Then again, having the last name Judas could be cool, but hell no! A teacher and principle for parents come on they're killing me here, can you see it? Oh no she's giving him that look of affection, so wrong... I walked steadily from the disgusting display in the kitchen and took my shower, the hell with watching that. Once I was done in the bathroom I wrapped a towel around me and walked a crossed the hall to my bedroom. Dean walked out of my Mother's room, he was wearing one of my Dad's old clothes. I had a flash back you could say, I never liked my Dad, not after what he had done to me, us my whole life. I was 14 before she separated from him and was close to 16 when he died. It was a blessing you could say, he was no longer there, he couldn't hurt me. And yet in his last few months I ended up liking him, yet I resented him. Emotions suck, it's plain and simple, and I didn't like him in his old clothes. It wasn't like he spit in my face or anything, it's just demented...

He seemed to notice my stare and asked if there was something wrong. I shook my head no and fled to my sanctuary, someone kill me, please... what the hell is going on with everyone, well ok, I always figured they'd finally get moving in a new direction but not this fast... Brad... now that's a whole new story I haven't even began to grasp we hate each other yet there is an attraction I hate to say it dammit! Amber seemed like the best bet I'd have to get her to skip PE with me. She's the guru for our group, she's always knows what to do well, most of the time anyway. I threw on my clothes, I selected a dark blue long sleeved shirt made out of fishnet like material, and long black shorts. I didn't wear shorts often, and I wore my fishnet shirt even less. But I decided I liked the shorts as they showed off my awesome boots and the fishnet, what can I say I have a little queen running around inside of me!

"You don't plan on going to school like that?" My Mother asked.

"Duh!"

"I thought gay men had a taste for style..."

"Psh! Don't go there girl!" I said in my best lisp. She gave me her warning glare, and I shut up. "Can I use Dad's old car today?"

"Why?"

"I feel like driving, you said if I kept my grade level at an A to B average I could use the car, I have kept my part of the deal it's your turn to keep your half. Plus I need to go to work tonight. Shit!"

"Steven Joseph Finn for the last time boy watch that mouth or it'll be filled with soap!"

"You'd have to hold me down and I doubt you could do that, now can I have the keys or not?"

"Fine, but I swear if you start fucking up again and lose the A's and B's you'll never use the car again! Understand? Since I found that bag of Marijuana and pills you had, you have very little trust don't screw up again!" She said as she handed me the keys, only if she knew... I hadn't changed one bit all I did was applied myself a fraction more to pull my grades up from D's the homework and class work bored me, what was the point of going to school if you already know the material.

I grinned to myself, and got into my Dad's old pickup truck. He left it to my Mother and she gave it to me, she thought she could control me with it, and to a degree she can, but not very much. I quickly got it started and onto the street, the ride to school was boring but music helped pass the time.

In the school parking lot I saw Jimmy and the rest of the gang getting out of his car. I parked a few spaces down from his car. Amber saw me first and waved. A huge grin covered her face... Oh Gods' she's never gonna let me live this down. I thought as I walked over to them.

"Hey there, how is working with Brad going hun?" Her eyes held a sparkle of mischief.

"...um ok I guess... Did Clive drool all over you or did he behave?" I said taunting her back.

"That's cold hun, even for you."

"Maybe, seriously though, ditch PE with me. I really, really need to talk to you."

"Ok, I guess I can, I still have 5 unused absences."

"Ugh I only have 3 you suck."

"Thats what you get for always getting sent to sweeps." Amber reminded me.

"I know I know."

"Hi there Steven." Peter said. If I didn't know any better I'd say he was totally checking me out. "Interesting shirt." He added.

"Isn't it? I felt a little flambouyant this morning."

"When aren't you flaming?" Jimmy said with a evil smile.

"Oh but you know you like it big boy!" I said batting my eye lashes at him. He bursted out laughing.

"Your right, I do. Makes you unique."

"Just like your cute butt does for you." Amber said looking at Jimmy.

"Well I don't know about you all, but I'm craving a Choclate chip muffin from the cafeteria...all warm and gooey mmm." I said basically drooling.

"Already got the munchies?"

"I wish, Since my Mom found my stash I've been too afraid to smoke in the house. Military school in Iowa doesn't sound fun to me, then again all those horney guys... nah! I'd probably get beaten to death by the drill seargeant for back talking too much."

"Would she really?" Peter said.

"Yeah, she would." Jimmy said for me.

"Yea she would." I agreed for effect.

"Well how about we hit up the football field beforehand, so we can have the munchies." Jimmy said with a dopey grin.

"Sounds good to me, how bout you Amber?"

"Of coarse."

After getting stoned behind the bleachers we all headed to the cafeteria. That's where I saw him. Amber poked me in the ribs to make sure I saw him eyeing me from acrossed the room.

"How cute! You two are so gonna fuck, you traitor, but hey can't blame you he's hot." Amber said.

"Grr. Dammit why does life have to be so damn complicated?"

"Because God likes watching us squirm like worms."

"Probably the sadistic ass."

I grabbed my breakfast and walked out into the cold morning air. Amber was behind me, "so what are we ditching for, I have a feeling it deals with what I walked in on yesterday."

"You'd be right." I said taking a bite out of my muffin. "Shit I still need to tell him I forgot about work."

"Call in sick. You so need to get laid."

"Come on... you so suck right now. I don't need it that bad."

"Yes you do." Jimmy chimed in.

"What does he need?" Peter asked.

"To get laid by the head jock, Brad."

Peter's jaw dropped."What?"

"What?" Jimmy asked.

"Well, isn't sex wrong until marriage? And isn't ... well you know... 'gay' sex a sin?"

"We're all sinners, we all lie, cheat, and steal in some way. And well I don't find killing a goat or lamb or whatever and burnning it on an alter to be anyway of attoning for my sins. It's not a sin to me, I like dick, and not pussy, it's normal for me." I said.

"Well, I guess your somewhat right..." He said looking confused.

"Don't think on it too much, you won't need to, I'll grow on ya."

"I have to agree with the silly little faggot, he does grow on you, but silly boy dicks are for chics." Amber said while sticking her tongue out in my direction.

"Love you too, my lovely fag hag."

"I despise that. I am no hag."

"Whatever same difference."

"So you calling in sick lover boy or are you gonna pass up hot jock action?"

"Do you even need to ask? I despise him, hate him, want to see him in a corner crying even..."

Amber smiled as if she knew something I didn't, whatever! He is just so... argh! His stupid Macho dumbness doesn't work on me... damn his abs felt so yummy though! Oh...my...god! He's in my mind. "Time for a change a subject." I said miserably.

"Hun I see the cogs working, but I agree I'm hungry." She said sitting at one of the tables.

We all followed suit and as my wish was granted we started talking about what homework we needed to exchange. It was one of our daily rituals, copy, pass, copy. We all did one subject that we shared, Amber got history, Jimmy got math, and I was stuck with literature which didn't bother me. Peter watched us, his goody-goodiness amazed me. It was like watching a child learn death or something. At the same time his manners were cute in the fact he was so innocent.

It was about a minute before the bell rang that Amber nudged me and covertly pointed at Brad sitting at a table behind me. "How long has he been there?"

"For a couple minutes, so nows your chance to tell him it won't work today." Her smiled seemed almost evil, as if she knew my inner thoughts, which knowing her she did.

"Naw, I'll tell him in class. Hopefully it'll make it so he can't consentrate."

"Sure hun, keep telling yourself that." then the bell rang and she flashed her all knowing smile again. "Traitor." I growled my protest and walked to first period.

It would seem his disease plagued me, since I heard very little of what Mr. Judas was saying. He caught me off guard with a question as well, which I stumbled my way through, barely. He gave me that look, as if he were a father figure, guess again. Just cause he's sleeping with my Mom doesn't give him that authority. The bell rang while thoughts of Brad lingered in my brain. It plagued me through shop with Jimmy, then it was time to see him. Do I tell him or not? It ran through my head, Do I play sick or go to work? It seemed to zoom by my thought process at every second of the clock hand. A constant ticking in my head. I walked in to the class and sat at our new seating arrangment as said on the chalk board. I grumbled as I saw him sitting there. That cocky smile on his face that I so despised...

"Whats up, lab partner." He said the cockiness and self-confidence in his voice nearly suffocating me, while oddly invoking feelings in me that I was going to shred to pieces then burn and stomp and scorch before they infected the rest of my logical brain.

"I..." can go to work some other time... wait! ..just say shut up. "Not me, maybe you should re-adjust yourself?" I said with an equal amount of cockiness. Which inspired a grin from him.

Mrs. Tingle stood up and started talking. "Good your all in your new seats. I'd like to go around the room and hear your current ideas for your projects. Please stand when I call your names and tell us what you have planned. Charles & Donna why don't you two start off."

As they blabbered their plans I found myself looking Brad over. I couldn't stop myself it was as if some creature invaded my body and took control. I grumbled inside while enjoying his looks. He caught me at one point and just grinned. A stupid huge one that screamed it, I know what your thinking and at the same time I knew he was thinking it too.

Get a hold of yourself man! Fuck this is not happening not with Brad Nicholson!! Amber was right God does like watching us squirm. Arghh he's looking agaqin, and theres that damn feeling. Stop it harmones!

"You look deep in thought there, partner." He said with a huge grin, I'm sure enjoying watching me squirm with my inner battle.

"Fuck off, once this project is done I'll be happy if I never see your face again!"

He just chuckled as if he knew that my harmones were trying to take over. "We'll see... yes we will."