Justin

I couldn't stop blushing, once we left the tunnel I couldn't stop it. I had seduced someone, not by dumb luck or instinct, but of my own making. It surprised me, I could see my world more clear it seemed as if I had made that choice that separated me from the other kids at school. I wasn't just a kid anymore and it kind of scared me, but not enough to ruin my afterglow. I look back at the walk home and think how corny I must have looked and not cute corny but the make yourself gag corny. I smile and cringe, and it kills me because I can't involve him anymore.

I lied to him and it hurts keeping it going. But not as bad as it does when he knows. If he knew my Dad was hitting me it would hurt him and it won't stop. It would be torture constantly. I laid in my room, contemplating for hours. Was I more of a scab or a glow in Billies life? Would my life drag him down? How long before he looked at me like him? Like nothing more than a scab, a piece of garbage. These torturing hours alone in my room. The TV cranked up, cowboys and Indians fighting, listening to him sleep. Waiting for the ball to drop, for the eggshells to shatter into dust. Wondering if it's sleep that will take him to bed or a work out I'd feel for days.

It's in moments of silence that people crack. I felt the walls trembling, the sinking of my mind into the dark abyss. Some people say hell is here on earth, while others like to think it's below us, or in another realm. I'm one of the ones who believe hell is here. In these small moments in time, where everything seems to stand still. Where reality and wonderland blend into one. That's hell...that's insanity.

It's in moments like these that people make irrational decisions, where pain exceeds the will to make it to the finish line. And the real contemplating began. Like a viral infestation neutralizing my emotions one by one.

Thoughts of making him stop came and went with thoughts of knives kissing the meaty flesh of my wrist and forearms. Scenes of my death played in my head, I could have control of my life. I could end this lifetime of pain and suffering.

At school the next day I tried avoiding Billie. I couldn't look him in the eyes before I broke his heart or I couldn't do it. I decided I'd wait until after school. I'd break up with him and it would kill me, but it didn't matter protecting him did and I was just so dead feeling.

Lunch time came around and there was no more avoiding him. He was waiting for me next to the lunch line I got in and he got in behind me. His smile made my heart melt, and almost brought me to tears. His love alone was the only thing keeping me going, what could I give him if I was always sucking from him? I smiled back, instantly even with thoughts plaguing my mind. I couldn’t stop myself if I tried. But I have to, I'll have to bare worse...

"Where have you been all day?" Billie asked.

"I ran a bit late this morning and I was tardy to Mr. Sanchez's class so he had one of his chats with me."

"Oh... ok, if you say so." he gave me another grin after a lopsided stare. "Sooo...?"

"So?" I said and I could hear the annoyance in my voice. I beat myself up for getting snappy. I couldn't help it, this constant pulling of my emotions, trying to detach while not making it obvious. It was eating me whole.

"Was just wondering what you were getting... you are kinda holding up the line. Are you sure your ok Justin?"

"Yes, yea... I'm sorry, I'm just grumpy I guess..." I said trying to hide my lie.

"Ok." Billie said staring at me harder now.

I grabbed my food, then a milk, then sat at our usual table. Billie followed and sat across from me. He picked at his French fries, and kept looking up at me from his tray. I smiled at him and he seemed to relax more. We started chit chatting about nothing I was happy for the small talk. It made it easier to hide my feelings. Josh sat down not far from us along with Rob. We said hi to them, Billie started talking to Josh, I don't know why but it made me mad. I used it and bottled it up inside. I watched him giggle and laugh, then when Josh gave him a small push, it had pushed me right over the edge. I grabbed my tray and threw what was on it in the trash and threw my tray with the rest and stormed towards my next class.

I swear you'd see the fumes floating from my being if you looked close enough. It was a minute or two after I arrived in the hallway outside my class that Billie found me.

"Why did you leave? You only drank some milk you didn't even eat anything."

"I just don't feel good, why don't you go hang out with Josh it looked like you two were having a great time!"

"What's wrong with you today!? I know you weren't late! I saw you get off your bus! I know you didn't stay longer in your class cus I went by it! So what the fuck is going on?! Why are you pushing me away?"

"I'm done."

"Your what?"

"I'm done. Billie, I, we can't do this here."

"Why not? Say what you need to Justin!"

I looked around the hall, this isn't what I wanted... this isn't how I saw it. I swallowed hard and let it come out. "I don't love you anymore Billie, I... I'm breaking up with you. I'm sorry."

"Your... your, how, wha-why?! Please Justin... what do you mean? How could you say that? It was only yesterday that you said. That you, you..." people started gathering, and tears started threatening to drop from his eyes and mine too. He ran away, and I felt the last pieces of my soul of my very heart die. I felt nothing anymore, I walked out of the school, and I kept walking. I walked all the way home. I didn't even realize it until my face nearly hit the front door. I went inside, the lights were off and I knew I was alone.

Alone... sitting here in this dark abyss. My mind still analyzing how I broke his heart, replaying his face, seeing the sadness brewing on it. Over and over hearing his words, knowing what he was going to say. How could I say I didn't love him when I had just said it the night before?

Sitting alone in the dark living room. It was normal, it was this temple of pain I grew up in. It was fitting that I'd learn what I myself could control. And how sad that the only thing that truly was mine, was my life. The knife I held it, staring at it, seeing its edges. It's sharp point, the reflection of my face on the almost pristine looking metal. I watched myself for an hour in my head, cutting into my arm, watching my blood pour out. I'd snap out of it and look at my unmarked flesh and let my mind sink again into the shower of blood that awaited in these sick visions.

This hysteria that clutched me, these tears that meant nothing, down to the insane giggles. I sank into memories, sucking up all the pain I could find, so I could make that slice. I let the edge slide across my skin, feeling the little tug from the blade. I did it a couple times, watching so intently. Daring myself to dig it in deeper. The dance lasted testing my stamina. Until I took the plunge. I held it so the tip rested on my wrist almost on my palm. The tears stopped I had no more to release.

It was a burning pain, feeling the tip puncture the skin, seeing the blood ooze out. It was shocking, how easy it was to sink it in. The pain seemed to even out to a dim annoyance. I took a breath, the last one I was sure I'd ever breathe again. I pulled the blade up along the under of my forearm. Watching it leave a small cavern which almost instantly filled with blood. It was unlike any blood I had seen before.

It looked almost black I saw it squirt and that's when the dizziness hit. It stopped squirting and it seemed as if it was going to end. I stumbled to the bathroom, turned on the water. I put my wrist under it, and as the water gushed from the faucet a crossed my flesh the blood began anew. The edges of the room became dimmer, and the dark abyss of my mind seemed to grow from the corners in to get me to claim me forever.

Before the darkness took me whole I felt free, it was as if serenity had finally found me. It could have been days, minutes, hours, even seconds, before my hearing came to me. I opened my eyes and was blinded by light. Was this heaven? Was this the light I was supposed to go to? Dare I look back to see if flames are coming to grab me?

My eyes began to adjust, and my feeling came to me. I tried moving but couldn't I was bound. I could see now I was in a room, a hospital room from the looks. I looked down and saw I was strapped down. I tried speaking but my throat was too dry and coarse feeling. I looked down, hoping this was Hell, purgatory, anything but life. The bandage on my arm was bulky and annoying. A dim pain radiated from my wrist.

The tears started by themselves, they were tears of anger. How? Why? I did it right, what went wrong? A blinding rage engulfed me, and the silence was finally broken. Shattered by my screams bouncing off the walls. I wanted to bury myself in the bed I was strapped to, I wanted my escape, my freedom. I had been so close.

It was in my moment of insanity that the nurse walked in. It was an older man, I didn't even notice him until he spoke. His voice seemed to cut through the fog of madness and his eyes seemed to pierce through me. They were caring, yet hard eyes. A aqua blue color that seemed to have a fire in them. He had salt and pepper hair like my father, but his face was kind. And his voice seemed so soothing.

"Hello Justin please calm down. My name is Steven, your in the hospital, under suicide watch. Do you need something, water? Maybe something for the pain?"

"No." I snapped.

"Are you sure? You lost a lot of fluids so to speak."

"Yes just leave me alone," I asked more calmly.

"Sure if you want I'll just go back to reading my magazine. Though if you could promise me something I may be able to make you feel more comfortable."

I muled it over, he didn't seem threatening. "Sure, what?"

"Can you promise you won't try to hurt yourself, or leave this room if I unfasten you?"

"Yes" I said maybe too eagerly.

"If not I'll have to sedate you."

"Fine."

His steps seemed very calculated as if everything he did was. He undid the ones on my ankles first, then then one on my waist. Finally my hands. I sat up and looked up at him. He gave me a grin and sat in a chair next to my bed. I looked around, it was a normal room. I looked out the window, wishing I were out there instead of in this room.

I decided I'd finally look at what caused this. I looked again at the bandage on my wrist. I decided to peek at it. I was halfway there where the nurse stopped me.

"What do you think your doing?"

"Looking at my damage."

"There's a bandage on it for a reason, leave it be please. It will need to be changed today so you will be able to see then."

I huffed a little but left it alone. That's when I saw the flowers on the table, with a card. I looked at them curious to know who they were from. At the same time I was dreading them. What if... what if they're from Billie? The mere thought of his name brought a flash to me.

It seemed as if I was plummeting into a day dream or rather being pulled in. I was in front of the sink again. Watching the blood mix with the running water. Dizziness claimed me and I fell to the floor. The darkness eating me alive again. Hearing a gasp, someone screaming my name. Trying to force my eyes open to see who, feeling someone grab my shoulders and laying me on the floor. Crying. My eyes fluttered open enough to see a glimpse, immediately my world shattered. Billie had found me, like that. Talking, it was so muffled, so frantic.

I felt the hand on my shoulder, this wasn't this dream, this memory. My Dad's face filled my head, that glare... it cut to my bone and froze my soul. I could hear screaming, it sounded so familiar. It was getting louder. Pain filled me, and this vision or whatever you could call it vanished. I looked up at a startled nurse and a couple of other nurses I assumed. They all stared at me, and I stared back, wondering how I ended up on the floor. Those damn tears started again.

"What's wrong? Are you ok?" The first nurse asked me. He got close and everyone else in the room seemed to be watching, or rather waiting. "Justin...?"

"What... how? Why?" My brain wouldn't work, it was trying to process this all and the pieces just wouldn't fit right. "What's happening to me? I can't anymore."

"Can you tell me what happened?" Steven asked.

"I... I don't know. I was looking at the flowers and... and I don't know I was day dreaming I think. I was remembering who found me... and... and..." I couldn't wait, I stood up and walked to the flowers and grabbed the card. it read "Get well soon, Billie". I thought the waterworks were bad before but reading it broke my heart. He saw me like that, he... he saved me after what I did to him. How much pain I must have put him through and he still got me flowers. "Billie... is he here?"

"He was. He and his parent's waited here through your surgery I was told. Justin, how often do you have these daydreams?"

"It was the first time, kind of."

"What do you mean by kind of?"

"Well... I kinda zone out now and then. I just stare off at. Wait, why do you want to know?"

"Because I want to help you, I am a Counselor here at John C Lincoln."

"You can't help me, no one can."

"Yes I can Justin, I think I can explain to you why you have these daydreams, but I need to know more information about them, about you. Would you like help?"

I thought it over, I could be careful. "Well...yes."

"Good, can you answer some questions for me?"

"Yes."

"Here I actually have a paper here you can do for me and it will give me some information I need. If I give you a pen, can you promise me you won't do anything stupid with it?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "You think someone would be dumb enough to say no if they thought they could do something with one?"

"Well... you do have a point, but I'm asking you, I'm being respectful and in return I have a feeling you will keep your word because of that fact."

"No I won't hurt myself, or anyone else, just because I want to die doesn't mean I want to hurt anyone."

"Ok, good Justin." Steven said while handing me a paper and pen.

I had seen papers similar to this, somewhat like the one the school counselor has. I started filling out the painfully dumb questions. While I filled it out the others left the room, and he sat and watched me. I hated being watched his eyes seemed to see through me and I didn't like it. After I was done I gave him back the paper and pen.

He set it to the side and didn't even read it. It hit a nerve in me for some reason and he seemed to notice. "Justin, I have to ask you some questions, and I want you to answer them as best as you can."

"Whatever." I said not liking how his eyes seem to tear through my defenses.

"First the bruises. You have many of them, how did you get them?"

"I'm clumsy, I trip over my feet now and then, stupid things like that. Two left feet."

"Justin, whatever you tell me is in confidence. Not even your parent's will hear a word spoken past this room. You understand?"

"Yes and I told you, I'm clumsy, I'm just stupid ok? I want to talk to my Mom."

"Justin, I'm trying to help you... what if I could help make it stop? What if there was no more pain but room to be happy? You tried to kill yourself, whatever pushed you to your limit, it needs to be removed. If it's not it's just going to build up again. Let me help you."

"I don't want to talk to you anymore, I want to speak to my parents."

"Ok Justin. If you change your mind, I will be here ok?"

"Ok." I said turning off my emotions trying to make myself a cold shell.

To be continued.

Chapter One:
Accepting The Truth

Josh had been starring at the wall for hours. He had tried to shut down his mind but could not release the thoughts. The thoughts soon became very intense more intense from what they were. He needed the release of the tensions building within him and there was only one way he could. He needed to face the reality of the situation, but the though of it drew him close to tears. He knew deep down what he was what he needed what he craved but he was ashamed of the feelings, the feelings of lust were now like a butterfly flapping around in his stomach. In his stomach, the butterflies had grown to a flock of crows and ravens. Painful as it was he knew the truth and had to act on it, act on it now, before it was too late. He then stood off his bed, which seemed to confine him to the lie he wanted to force-feed himself, he knew what had to be done and he reached the door. He walked down the hallway to the living room.

"Mom I'm going out for awhile I'll be back around 10:30. I'll get something to eat before coming home, ok?"

"Yes, but no later than 10:30! Do you hear me?"

"Yes mom, I'll make sure I get home by then, sorry about last time."

"You better be sorry because this time you'll get grounded!"

"OK! I get it! Jeez!" Josh said as he slipped out the door.

A few blocks away Rob was sitting in his room too. He was thinking about things that he had never thought about before. He was confused he hated what he was thinking what was happening to him. He had tried hiding the truth, but the truth slowly ate at him. The lie he was living was becoming unbearable. All he could think is 'why me, why am I the fucking faggot?'. As he lay there on his bed watching the ceiling fan spin he kept thinking what he wanted but he kept denying himself the full truth he didn't want to accept it. What would his friends think, especially his best friend Josh? How would he react knowing that a fag was in love with him, his best friend on top of that. He decided he needed to quit moping around and get his homework done. If he didn't finish his English homework his 7 period teacher, Mrs. Tingle was going to give him a detention. He grabbed the materials needed and then started writing his book report. As he sighed he bitched to himself about having to write a book report on his weekend. About 15 minutes into writing he heard a knock at his door.

"Mom, Dad, I got it." He yelled from his room. He then walked downstairs to the door. He opened to see Josh standing there. "Jeez! What are you doing out in this weather! Dummy its even haling out!"

"Yea, sadly I know!" Josh said. "So are you gonna let me in?"

"Oh, yea, sorry. Come on lets go up to my room."

"Honey who is here?" Mrs. James asked.

"Its Josh mom, we're gonna hang out for awhile."

"Ok, will you be staying the night josh?" She called from the kitchen.

"I'll Have to call my mom to ask but that would be nice."

"Ok hun, you know where the phone is."

After Josh got done calling his mom and getting permission he went to Rob's room. When he walked in Rob was on his bed with Marilyn Manson on the stereo. He then went and sat down on the desk chair next to his bed. He looked at Rob seriously then declared he had something to say.

"Hey.. man I got to tell you something. If you hate me after I tell you, I'll understand..."

"What could possibly make me hate you?" Rob said.

"Well... I'm... you know a... a fag."

Rob sat straight up with a shocked look on his face. He stared at Josh for about a minute. Josh then said he understood and started walking to the door. Right before he turned the knob Rob ran over and grabbed his hand. "No don't go... I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." He said calmly. "But I have to know, are you serious? I don't care but I need to know the truth."

"Yea..." Josh said miserably.

"Why did you tell me?"

"Because... you're my best friend and, and..."

"And what?"

"I'm sorry I can't say it..."

"Yes you can."

"I... I like you, you know, more than a friend." Josh said feeling his eyes starting to get watery.

"Ok." He said calmly. He then grabbed Josh and pulled him into a hug. Josh by this point was so confused he just stood there dumbfounded. Then the tears started coming, he was happy he wasn't rejected but he didn't know how to act to this, they hadn't hugged each other since they were like 9. Then Rob's mom knocked at the door. They both jumped Josh rubbed the tears from his face and rob said come in.

"Hey you two I've just finished making some fudge, come down and get some with Dave and I." She said then she looked over at Josh and saw that he'd been crying. "Why, what's wrong Josh?"

"Nothing!" He said a bit too quickly.

"Well, ok if you say so. You two didn't get into a fight did you?"

"No mom. We were wrestling and Josh hit his head on the chair."

"Ok, Josh are you ok?"

"Yea. It just stung a little is all."

"Ok then, let's go! Before Dave eats all the fudge!" She said as she smiled.

*****

After munching down their fudge Rob and Josh went back up to his room. Where it was Rob's turn to fill in Josh on what his true feelings were. After they both told each other they hugged and talked about how long each of them had felt the way they did. They both agreed that they shouldn't tell anyone. Out of nowhere Rob leaned over and kissed Josh. Josh just sat there not knowing what to do but then it clicked. He started kissing back. They didn't even notice when Mr. & Mrs. James came in to tell them good night.

"Josh! Rob! What in hell are you two doing!?"

"Oh shit!" Rob said startled. Josh stared, shocked speechless.

"Oh shit is right boy!" Dave said furiously.

"Dad... I'm sorry, but it's how I feel."

"Well it's wrong! You are not gonna be another one of those fucking fags prancing around at one of those gay pride extravaganzas! I will not have it! Not now, not ever!" When that was said Jane out of nowhere slapped Dave's face twice.

"You shall never use those fucking words in my house! Yes that's right Dave, my house, my mother left it to me when she died, not you! If you ever, and I mean ever use those disgusting words towards our son ever again I'll divorce your ass, do you hear me!?" At that Josh, Rob, and Dave's jaws all fell. Not one of them had ever really heard Rob's mom say more than shit or ass and she used more than that and with a force none of them had seen before.

"Yeah keep on doing it! Baby him some more why don't you? Make him into a pussy even more!"

SLAP! "What did I hear you say!?" Jane said more ferociously than she had before. "Leave! Go to a fucking hotel for the night until you realize how much of an asshole you are being! Don't come back if you don't plan on saying sorry!"

"Fine!" He said, and with that he went and got a pair of clothes and his shoes then left.

"Sorry boys... we'll talk later." Jane said going into her room.

Both boys just sat there and stared at each other as if they were aliens. Then looked at Rob's parents door when it closed.

"I'm sorry Rob." Josh said sheepishly.

"Don't be it's not your fault and personally I liked what we did!"

Both boys sat in silence.

*****

About an hour later Jane quietly walked out of her room and into Rob's. She sat down by Rob and motioned Josh to sit next to her. So he stood up and walked slowly towards her, not knowing what to expect. After knowing her since he was 7 he'd never seen her like this. He was afraid but calm. Sure he had seen Dave and Jane fight but not like this, and not because he and Rob started it.

"Ok boys. I've always wondered about you two so it isn't too much of a shock for me. Secondly I'd like to apologize for how Dave and I reacted. It wasn't right of us, and I don't want either one of you to feel as if it's your fault, it's not. Your dad is paranoid, before we were married I told him about me and the fact is, I'm bisexual. He probably thinks that some how I infected you two. So anyway my point is, I know neither of you chose to be gay, like I didn't choose to be bi or like how your father didn't decide to be straight. It just happens, I know. Now I'm alright with this, but I'll say this much. You are not old enough to have sex, but lets face it, I wasn't any virgin at 16 either." She said while lighting up a cigarette. "So tell me the truth... have you two gotten sexual about this?"

"No!" They both said in unison.

"Ok, so how long has this been going on?"

"Just tonight." Rob said.

"Ah ha I see now, that's why you were crying josh and why you both looked awkward."

"Well then, I know I am probably not going to be able to get you boys not to have sex. So I'll say this, it will not be here, you will were condoms, and you will read up on it first! Understand?"

"Yes Mrs. James"

"Yes Mom."

"Good. So we have the rules down, secondly I will not walk in anymore without knocking. I am not gonna say you can't kiss because that would be stupid, But I ask you don't do it in front of Dave, I don't mind really, but Dave will, we both were looking forward to grandchildren, but we still have Carol for that."

"Mom! Please don't tell her she's a Senior we are only sophomores she'll kick our asses then tell her friends."

"I'm not telling anyone, that's your business no one else's. Josh if you ever want to face this with your parents I'm here to help you ok?"

"Yes, Mrs. James."

"Josh one more thing. It's Jane... I feel so old when people call me that."

"Ok Mrs... I mean Jane."

"Good boy." She said and smiled. "Well I'm going to bed, good night boys. And remember the rules!"

"Ok" They both said.

After she left the room the boys looked at each other and sighed with relief. They then closed the door striped down to their boxers and went to bed. Josh woke up that night when he heard Jane's door open. He heard talking, so he knew Dave was back. In a few minutes he heard more yelling like before. This woke up Rob as well. They both looked at each other with miserable faces. They both decided on sneaking out. After they got dressed they went out the window then went into the old tree fort they had made with the help of Dave. They lit the candles that were in there and then Rob went back in, got the extension cord and brought the stereo with him.

"Whatcha wanna listen to?" Rob said while yawning.

"How 'bout Otep?"

"Ok." He said as he pulled the cd out of the cd holder and put it in. They turned it down to a whisper noise to not disturb the neighbors. Rob grabbed the hidden pack of cigarettes and they both smoked one. "Remember how we used to camp out up in here?" Rob said.

"Yea, some of the best times we had were in this old fort. Haha remember when Shelly and her friend Agatha tried to come up that one day and we dumped dish water on them? Then they ran away screaming and saying we were brats?"

"Ha! Do I ever. I never thought I saw Shelly so mad before! Back then she didn't even need PMS as a bitch pass."

"Hehe I think it's even more precious because Agatha came back and pleaded her undying love to you."

"I have a question. You know how we used to take my dads old porn mags and look at them?"

"Yea, what about them?"

"Well my question is, did you look at the girls or the guys when we jacked off?"

With that Josh blushed, "The guys. I never did like the girls I mean ew! They have two holes and they look absolutely disgusting!"

"I couldn't agree more with that. Matt said he liked it, he said he ate out Shelly... when he told me that I thought I was gonna puke and what's worse is he said he liked the smell the most! I mean ew!!"

"Haha! I guess it all depends on what you like."

"Yea I guess so."

"So... do you think your mom would consider this 'out of the house'?"

"Hmm I dunno my dad is home, if we did anything and got caught he'd kill us both on the spot."

"Do you forget, this ole fort has a door." Josh said as he pulled it shut.

"I want to... but it's doesn't feel right yet. Maybe just kissing, after all he already saw that and mom said we could."

"Fine with me! Even though we were caught it was the best kiss I have ever had!"

Rob giggled a little. "Me too." He said leaning in. He then pulled Josh over to him. They then started groping and kissing furiously. Until they heard Jane call them to come in. They both sighed with frustration, but obeyed. They climbed out of the tree fort Josh with the cds Rob with the stereo.

"What were you boys doing out there!?" Dave said menacingly.

"Just getting away from your yelling and listening to music." Rob said daringly.

"Boy don't you get smart-ass on me!"

"I was just telling the truth!"

"That's--"

"Enough Dave! You're just being ignorant! Leave them alone." Jane said pushing him out the door. "Good night boys."

Once again they got ready for bed, but this time enjoyed a few kisses first.

Chapter One

It was another bad day, it was Monday morning and my alarm clock was blaring. I vaguely remember hitting my alarm clock and hearing it hit the floor. I sighed as I threw the covers off my head; the light was shining through the blinds and blinding me. I cursed at the offending light and wished I could wither and die under my soft warm blankets. My Mother though, knowing how I was came in my room, and pulled the covers off of me. I grumbled in protest but she smacked my leg and shouted up. I stumbled from my bed, still zombie like, I went to my closet and pulled out some clothes, threw them on my bed then went to the bathroom. I lit one of the candles on the toilet and switched the light off. I got in the shower and let the warm water cascade down my body I was contemplating whether I should take care of my hardon when my Mother announced I was running late.

I got out of the shower, knowing if I was late to my homeroom class I'd be serving a Saturday detention, and let's face it when your Mother is the principle there's no slacking off. She always made an example of me, like 'he's my son and I did this to him, don't test me.' then there was the teasing factor, it died in ninth grade but still... Mother square by Principle = not good! I never went with her to school, I rather be caught with a hardon in PE before being caught in the principles car! That was just a way to be deemed a teachers pet, and I didn't need that. I had a reputation to uphold, plus it would only give the jocks one more reason to rag on me, and that wasn't good. I wasn't smart, I'd yell back, and I wasn't afraid to swing. My Mother also knew this, she had suspended me a couple of times for getting in fights with the Jocks.

Let me explain since ninth grade the Goths, and Jocks had been enemies. We are considered a bunch of fags, which is only half true, sure theres maybe 3 gay kids who are Goth so what. They always think they're better than we are, they can go suck on a donkey dick for all I care, they're jerks and I won't allow them to walk on friends or me. At least that's what I thought, but on this day I'd be getting into a situation where everything would change. But beside the point, today was basically like any other day. I wished I were in my bed sleeping, or in a small hole dying. Either one of those options are better than high school. Sure I only had one year left after this year, which would make me a junior. I heard my friend outside honking his horn. I finished lacing up my boots and went outside. When I got to his car I noticed a new person. "Hey Jimmy, what's up?" I said looking at the new person in the car.

"Not much, this is my cousin Peter, he'll be moving into the Johnson's house. Him and his 'rents are moving here from upstate New York, near Elmira."

"Hi Peter nice to meet you." I said as nice as I could, I always try to be nice to new people, but I think most of the time I come off sounding cocky and mean. I can't help it I'm anti-social, I just can't relate with "normal" people and I'm far from "normal" he didn't seem to care as he smiled and said hi.

"Didn't your Mom ban rock shirts?" Jimmy asked.

"Yea, so?"

"You push her buttons too much, no wonder you get detentions so often."

"Huh, how can you get detention for making your Mom pissed?"

Ah... I see Jimmy forgot to mention a few details. "My Mother is the principle of the High School, which means she punishes me worse than everyone else. She'd tell most kids to turn their shirt inside out instead she'll give me an after school detention if she sees me wearing it. I don't care though, as long as I make it to work on time." He seemed to absorb this information and went back to looking out the back window. When we got to school, I ran to my first class, I wasn't going to be late dammit!

I sat down right when the tardy bell rang and sighed for making it just in time, Dean also known as, Mr. Judas, is my homeroom teacher, who teaches Math, he also comes over once a week to eat dinner then him and my Mother go out. It sicks me out, the last person I need for a stepfather is my Math teacher, and can you say 'twisted'? I felt a chill run down my spine when he pushed his glasses down and stared at me unapprovingly. I didn't care, I wasn't here to make him happy, I pulled out my notepad for Math and did the assignment on the board. I was done about half an hour into the class, and so I took out my sketchpad and drew a girl. I have an obsession with drawing hot looking chics with lots of weapons and leather. I'm gay, yet I draw girls, go figure ehh?

Dean walked up next to me and reached for my sketched pad, I pulled it quickly out of his reach and showed him my work. He looked it over and told me to redo 15. I checked it and saw my error; I fixed it and put it in my backpack. It wasn't long before the bell rang and I was making my way to shop, we were actually going to make something I could use. We were making cedar boxes, it would do well for my pot, and it would hide the smell better and be easily hidden. Jimmy was in this class with me, and we usually worked at the same table. We talked too much like usual and got yelled at. Mr. Chadwick isn't one to play with, he'd send you to the office for looking at him the wrong way. We shut up and went back to sawing our pieces. Once they were sawed we glued them together then stapled them. The hinges and lids were to be done at home for homework. I grabbed my stuff and threw it in my bag the class bell rang and I practically ran from the room.

I suddenly realized I never went to the bathroom this morning and my bladder was feeling it! I went into the bathroom and one of my most hated enemies was also there, Brad Nicholson. I hated him, he was the quarterback for the football team. He grunted at me in a foul protest, and called me a fag. In return I grabbed myself and pretended to adjust myself, he glared at me then left quickly. I did my business washed my hands, and made my way to science.

It was Mrs. Tingle who I loved, but would soon hate. We had to have partners for this project and she had to team me up with Brad, yup the guy I just saw, my enemy, the one person on earth I could truly say I hated with all my might! We needed to do a project about another country. She picked him to pick the country out of her stupid fishbowl. We ended up getting Brazil, we had a week to make a 25-page report on Brazil, the main flowers, the population, all of the stupid information you could possibly gather. Come on in ten years why in the hell am I going to need to know how many people live in Brazil?! I grumbled, when Brad sat next to me, he looked at me and had the same look on his face. I protested after class, I even said I'd do the report myself if it came to that, Mrs. Tingle looked at Brad and I.

"I know you two dislike each other, it's the main reason I paired you two up! This is a way you two can work together, maybe get to know each other, for one full week you two will work on this together. Oh and Mr. Nicholson, you know you need at least a B on this report to pass my class and stay on the team, I suggest you two work hard on this! Mr. Finn, don't think your gonna get revenge, because if he doesn't get a B on this I know it will be because you didn't put in enough of an effort, seeming your a straight A student!" I mumbled, she had us both by the balls, and the fact that her and my Mother always had a bingo night with some of the other teachers I knew I couldn't be a dick and let the stupid one do it all by himself...

"Fine!" I said as I formed an image in my head of me leaping at Mrs. Tingle like a tiger and ripping her to pieces for putting me in this situation! Grrrr!

Brad looked at me then asked me when he could come over. God help me, I don't want to go to prison, don't let me kill him... please! "Is five ok?" I said trying to be nice, I failed miserably, I could hear the venom in my words.

"I was thinking more around six, I have football practice until 5:10."

"Fine... bye!" I said walking off to lunch as quickly as I could. Damn her to hell! How could she do this to me? Why!? Dammit all to hell! I thought as I walked to the parking lot. I met Jimmy his cousin and Amber by his car. "You are never going to believe what Mrs. Tingle did to me!"

"Let me guess, she hooked you up with a Jock?"

"How the hell did you know?"

"She did it to us as well! I think she is doing it to anyone that's goth and jock and in the same class."

"The stupid bitch, she hooked my ass up with Clive! I might as well slit my wrist and hope for a better suffering!" Amber said as she flipped her long hair from her face. "Clive has been drooling over me since sixth grade! Well up until about 7th, until I kicked him in the nuts I'm stuck too, if I want to pass her class I need a C on this report, 50% of our grade, what is that bullshit about anyway? I think it's just to trap us into it!" She growled in protest then went on, "Baby, what the hell am I going to do with some stupid jock at my house or me at his? When he comes over tomorrow you better be there Jimmy or I'll kick your ass, and be sure to be hanging all over me, he doesn't need any ideas about me being attracted to him!"

"Sexy if he looks at you in the wrong way you know I'll be all over his ass, no one checks out you without hell to pay." I stuck my finger in my mouth and made a gagging noise when they kissed.

"Steve shut up, you know you want me even if you are gay!" Amber said, and smiled.

"You wish Hun, I only like dick."

"Del Taco?" Jimmy said.

"Sounds good." I said, Amber agreed.

"What's Del taco?" Peter asked.

"What!?" Jimmy said.

"You've never been to Del Taco?" Amber asked.

"Nope, is it good?"

"Fuck yea." I said.

"Cool, I'm game." I stared at him a little weird, only Jock's said that phrase...

The others noticed as well and didn't say anything. We all pilled into the car I shared the back seat with Peter, we talked while Jimmy and Amber talked in the front seat. I was asking him how his day went when we pulled into the parking lot and saw Brad's truck full of his team members. Dammit! What else is going to go wrong!? They saw us and some cussed at us. I didn't care I was hungry, and a couple of tacos sounded even more good to my stomach! I walked by them, and felt their eyes on me, I didn't care. They're a bunch of jackasses plus fighting here would attract the police and no one needed that.

We piled inside and got our orders. It wasn't long before my number was called, Brad's was also called at the same time, and his lunch wasn't very different than mine, I decided I hated tacos... My ex was behind the counter, we were still good friends. We weren't really ever boyfriends anyway, it was more like fuck buddies. Still it was sometimes awkward around each other. I'd always remember having sex with him when I saw him and personally, I always liked it. I still wanted him and I swear he still wanted me, but he decided he was straight so that only left room for a friend. I went back to our table and sat next to Amber and Peter. She smiled like always and whispered in my ear.

"At least you got one of the cuter Jocks for a partner, you do know he's been watching you right?"

I coughed on my soda, and felt my eyes bulge. I choked out "WHAT?" I got a lot of looks, she just started laughing. I couldn't help myself, I looked at Brad and noticed he was hot but eww no! Dammit I cannot and will not allow myself to think of him that way - no! It's just wrong eww she said he was looking at me!

"It's true, I so swear babe!" she leaned in closer. "He looked you over when you were at the counter... I swear it looked like he was checking you out."

"Mein Gottes! Nein! No! No! Yuck sick twisted wrong, no!" She laughed really hard, I hated it when I got overly hyper, or when I got mad, I'd go in-between English and German. Jimmy got back in time to hear my statement.

"What was that for?"

"Ask your girlfriend..." he looked at her, she leaned in and he started laughing.

"Fuck you both." I said in my defense.

"The scary part is I can see it." He laughed harder. I ate my Tacos fast and threw the garbage away I went outside I needed a cigarette before school started again. I took long deep drags off of my cigarette and fumed a little. The clan of Jocks came out and walked past me, some stared others taunted. I made sure my face stayed void of any expressions. It wasn't long after that the rest of the group came out and we headed to school. The rest of the day was boring like usual I didn't learn anything that would help me like they said it would. I knew better than that, who uses history later on in life? Sure it can be interesting to learn about but how many people are going to ask you when Clinton was elected? He was such a cool president, damn Bush! PE was my last class, and I enjoyed it, I could build up muscles for an hour and get an A for working out. Too easy if you ask me, but I liked the six pack that was getting more and more defined! When it came time to shower I wasn't very willing, what can I say, guys are yummy and even more so naked! It's hard controlling your dick when your 17 and cold water doesn't work for me. It's not like I was a closet case, everyone knows I'm gay. Since I was caught with my tongue down Daniels throat in ninth grade. Still though, getting a boner in the showers wouldn't be good, it would cause way too much grief.

I made it through with no surprises, which isn't easy but oh well. I walked home instead today, it was a two-mile walk but I didn't care. When I got home it was 4:30. I put "Mechanical Animals" in the CD player and turned it to "User Friendly" From "Marilyn Manson" I pulled out my homework and did it. I laid back kicked off my shoes and let the tunes enter my head, it was now on 'Coma White' My Mother called to tell me that she wouldn't be home until 8, she told me to cook the Asian Stirfry. I didn't argue as I liked it, and it was fast to make. I hooked my playstation up and put in Tekken. I played a few rounds then went to go make dinner.

I prepared the beef, cut it into thin strips then cooked them, I put the beef in the strainer, added the oil to the wok (A pan that looks like a bowl) put the veggies in after the pan was warmed up. The doorbell rang, it was 5:49, I went to the door, and there stood, Brad... great he's early! I had him follow me to the kitchen. I threw the beef into the mixture of veggies and stirred it. He sat at the table, and didn't say anything. I was happy for that, but I felt his eyes on my back and it bugged me, I didn't like being watched.

"Have you eaten?" I asked.

"Nope."

"Like stir-fry?"

"If it's food, I'll eat it."

"Good." I said stirring it again. "I'll be right back, will you stir this while I change the music?"

"Fine."

I left the kitchen, this felt way too weird, he was being "nice" and I wasn't being a total dick, what was wrong with this picture? I put in Slipknot and went back into the kitchen, Brad was stirring the food.

"Thanks..." I said and snatched the utensil from him. He went back to the table and I felt his eyes again. Dammit! The food was almost done, I opened the sesame-seed sauce and poured it onto the food. I grabbed out two bowls and two forks, set then on the counter next to the stove then covered the wok with it's lid. I grabbed out two cans of Pepsi and gave one to Brad. I served up the food, put it on a cool burner then grabbed his bowl gave it to him and sat across from him, I didn't want to sit next to him, that was crossing my bounds of comfort.

"Do you have internet access?"

"Yes." I said in-between bites of food.

He got silent and so did I, there was nothing to talk about, I didn't like sports, I didn't like pop music, and I didn't care for main brand clothes. I stared at my food, and decided I wasn't hungry, I ate anyway. I looked away from my food and at Brad, and saw he was treating his food the same way.

"Ok let's skip the niceness and get to the point, we're stuck with doing this report together, we both would have rather been paired up with someone else. SO now that we're past that, I have no idea of what you like or anything else, so I have no idea what to talk about."

"Same here."

"Lets fix that problem and tomorrow we can act like we've never seen each other before for all I care. I like Metal, mosh pits, witchcraft, guys, writing, and drawing."

"Metal is good, mosh pits are fun... I like football obviously."

"Ok." I said and stood up. I wasn't hungry, I put my food away, and sat back down. He finished and I had him follow me to my room. I booted up my pc and grabbed the foldable chair out of my closet. I opened my window then sat down at the desk. He looked around my room, it must have been strange for him. My Mother knows I'm gay, and I don't hide the fact I like guys, as my walls are plastered with posters of half naked guys. He looked at them, as if he was uncomfortable, but his eyes lingered a little too long. No that had to be my imagination and the twisted thoughts of Amber plaguing my mind. He didn't say any fag comments, which surprised me.

He sat next to me and I went to google. We spent the next half-hour printing pictures and information. It had been during that time Brad had gotten uncomfortably too close. I didn't even realize it, but his chair was practically touching mine... I didn't say anything. I was probably just hallucinating, I wrote down all of the URL's of where I got information and put it in a folder. I was done for today, I didn't like this situation.

"How about we call it a day?"

"You sure?" He said getting closer yet. I shook my head and got out of my chair, and walked to my door. He stood up but didn't leave the computer area, he sat back down on the chair and faced me. He looked me up and down, I knew he was checking me out, it thrilled me but also made me quiver in disgust. I'm supposed to hate him, not think he's hot dammit! He stared at me, and I stared back.

"Mrs. Tingle did say she wanted us to get to know each other," He smiled. "I know you want me."

My head spun, where the hell did that come from? Oh my fucking Gods' Amber was right!

"Uh, What!?"

"You heard me, what better way is there of getting to know each other? What do you say, wanna suck my dick?" My jaw fell, I felt it fall. I did want him, he was hot! But that would be so wrong, he's my enemy, enemies don't fuck! Then again, no one would ever know, he wouldn't tell anyone that's for sure. I sure in the hell wouldn't. No, bad idea...

"No, I don't like you, I only play with people I like." He pulled his shirt off What the .... fuck? He stood and undid his belt and button. "Do you not understand the words that came from my mouth? I said no."

"I'll return the favor, hell we could do it at the same time, what do you say?" What do I say? Is this happening? Or is this some wet dream gone all wrong? What- "The fuck." I said right before his lips were pushed against mine. I felt his tongue at my lips, I started to kiss back but then pushed him back. "What the fuck?" My head was spinning, everything that was reality just went out the window! Where's the camera what fucked up show am I on?

"I like you, and I think you might find me sexually appealing too. If you do why not just let go and go with the flow?"

What the hell is going on? Should I do it? No of coarse not, but then again... fucking harmones!! This is wrong, or is it, maybe I could use this to my advantage. "What if I say yes? What in the hell could I possibly gain from this, I've hated you since fifth grade at least! You always tormented me why should I go and give you a blowjob?"

"I acted like I hated you, I hated you even more when I found out you were gay. I wanted you, and instead you wanted that fucking nerd! So maybe we can just have some fun, it doesn't have to change anything at school."

"What? Why didn't you just say so, especially after I was found out?"

"I'm the quarterback! Do you think the Coach is gonna favor a faggot, or that my teammates would, you can't be that dumb. Anyone who hangs out with you is labeled a fag, I can't have that."

"I don't play with closet cases."

"Don't lie, everyone knows about you and David. Ever since the party at Scott's, did you two actually think no one would put the pieces together? He was practically drooling over you in Del Taco, you sure have a thing for nerds."

"Nerds are cool, unlike superficial jocks! I think you need to leave now, we can work on our project when my Mother is home." He didn't even look phased, instead he got closer. I felt his breath on my face, I knew what was coming next and I stood there.

He was persistent, I'd give him that much. His arm wrapped around my waist and he pushed his body up against mine I wanted to push back but this was too weird. His hand found it's way down my pants, my eyes opened wide I couldn't believe this, it was so impossible so improbable! I didn't stop him as I felt his hand find my hardening member, I would follow his example and just go with it.

It was on my bed, and him unzipping my pants, the weirdest thing happened. Amber stuck her head through my window, I jumped a mile in the air, Brad didn't seem to understand why, but then he leaped away from me and started shouting.

"How dare you come onto me, you faggot!?"

Ok... how the fuck do I respond to this? I was lost to say the least, and my mind hadn't caught up yet, or maybe it was malfunctioning? I looked in-between Amber and Brad. Amber had a huge grin on her face, Brad stared at me with what looked like disgust, I didn't hear him complaining when he grabbed my dick, the dick. "Uhm... Hi Amber." I said still replaying what happened in my mind, what the fuck was that all about? Could someone smack me awake now?

"I'll leave you two boys alone." She smiled, giggled and left.

"You need to leave now." I said against my will.

"Bye." He said, he wasn't even dressed when he left my room. I sat on my bed, my head was spinning.

It was awhile before my Mother got home, Dean was with her, I smirked at him and shut my door, I threw off my shirt and it landed near the foot of my bed, I fell back onto the mattress and let the thoughts mingle in my head. I was now horny thanks to Brad and the worst part is I hated him. It's confusing to be attracted to one of your enemies, and I was. I wonder if Amber was going to blabber this to Jimmy. It was around 10 when I heard the living room TV turn on, and I heard Dean and my Mom talking.

"We can't do that, Steve would know the reason behind it."

"Charlene, he isn't stupid, he probably already suspects it."

"I don't know, you staying the night is... risky."

"Will you two keep it quiet, people are trying to sleep! Oh and if you wanna fuck him don't let me stop you." I said, I heard her gasp. I loved being a smart-ass, it had it's downs at times though. My mouth had gotten me into trouble A LOT.

"Steven Joseph Finn! You watch that mouth boy!"

I laughed, and turned on some Manson. It would eat at her nerves a bit more, what can I say I love pushing her buttons! It wasn't long before I was wrapped up in watching Akira I loved that movie it was one of my favorites, next would come Ghost In The Shell, it was also another great Anime movie. My phone had a different idea as it rang near the end when he could no longer control his power, I mumbled as I paused the dvd and picked up my phone. The surprise was who was on the other end. Brad's voice filled my ears.

"Is Steve there?"

"What do you want?"

"Can we talk ... in person?"

"Why?"

"I think I need to explain my actions." Dammit! Now I have to go because I'm way too curious, and maybe I won't freeze up again... Get a grip he's a dick! "Fine... meet me at the corner of Los Palmaritas."

"Cool, see you in about ten then."

I hung up and grumbled to myself, what am I doing, why am I doing this. Oh I know because I'm a slave to my harmones! I fumed to myself as I pulled on my boots and laced them up. I put on my chain wallet and my satanic like rings. I loved skulls and horns way too much... I walked into the living room and felt like puking. Dean was on top of my Mom making out with her, what a sick and wrong sight to see. I'll go insane before my Math teacher becomes my potential step-father. I grumbled to myself again and walked out the front door. My Mom gasped at not knowing I was there, I closed the door before she could tell me it was past my curfew. I quickly walked away from my house towards the corner by Jimmy's house. No doubt I could probably find him in his backyard swimming and smoking a fat joint. I was tempted but didn't go to his house. His dog noticed me and whined, I told it to shut up and it did, the last thing I needed was jimmy to see me talking to Brad...

Brad pulled up in his truck, and he wasn't alone. I didn't like this he said nothing about one of his friends coming along, and I thought this chat could be done in my comfort zone. The truck pulled up to me, Brad lowered his window, it was Nick in the passenger seat.

"Hop in."

"You didn't mention there would be company."

"I'm dropping him off at home."

"Drop him off then come back, I'll wait here, I have to be home by 12 or my mom will make me commit hara-kiri!"

"Hara-what?" Nick said. I must have looked at him as if he were an idiot, ok I'll explain this to his small, small brain.

"Suicide by disemboweling yourself." I think I used small enough words as he nodded his head, as if in awe. I felt like hitting my forehead and saying duh. "Oh yea, so you should hurry if we're going to talk as it's already 10:33."

His face wrinkled up "Fine, but don't leave I'll be back!"

I rolled my eyes, "Oh yea I'm gonna hang out with my friend, I'll leave his house at 11, but I'm leaving by 11:50." He frowned at me and drove off.

I was happy I was in some stage of control, I walked a crossed the street and went into the backyard, I was right, Jimmy was in the shallow end of his pool smoking, he splashed me some then handed the joint to me. I ended up stripping to my boxers and got in as well, his heated pool is awesome. The stupid alarm went off on my phone and I told Jimmy I'd see him tomorrow. I went the street sign where Brad was waiting. I got in, happy no one else was there.

"What did you want to talk about?"

"Sorry about earlier, I just don't know how to express myself to you, so I tried hating you."

And I thought daytime television was pathetic... I shook my head and made some kind of noise. His words went in one ear and out the other, I caught a little bit here and there, so if he asked something I might know what he wanted as an answer.

"So what I'm saying is, I like you."

That sentence broke through and bounced through my head, he didn't just say what he did, right? "What?!"

"I like you!"

I smacked my head and said "Wake up!" Hoping this was some fucked codeine dream, it had to be. Reality didn't do this to me, it couldn't dammit.

"You are awake." He stared at me and looked very serious, what do I do now? He liked me, what the fuck did that mean exactly? Did he just want to be fuck buddies, friends, boyfriends?

"What do you want? Get to the full point."

"I want to have sex with you, I've never really been with a guy, I've always wanted to though, with you."

I coughed on the water I was drinking, "I don't think that's a good idea at all."

"I do, I could keep my friends away from your friends you could do the same, and all you'd need to do is experiment with me."

"I get my own conditions then."

"What are they?"

"No anal, my ass is limited!"

"I could deal with that."

"Fine, I need to go now." I said, looking at my watch, it was only 11:17.

"You said you have until 11:50, we could... find a place."

"I'm not a slut, I'm not gonna get your rocks off without knowing a little about you!"

"Fine, what do you want to know?"

"Come over after school to work on the project." I said getting out of his truck. I started walking home, his truck started up.

"What time?" He asked out his open passenger window.

"Got practice?"

"Nope."

"I usually get home by 4:30, make it before seven or you'll get to see the teachers bingo night..."

He looked at me weird and said ok, he drove off and I walked the rest of the way home. My Mother and Dean were nowhere to be seen, I walked to my bedroom and noticed my Mothers door was closed, gross I was right. I went into my room, put on some music, set my alarm clock, then drifted off to sleep. I was having a weird dream, there was a loud beeping. Wait, that's my alarm clock... it can't be 6 already!

Yep that's my alarm, dammit, I need more sleep! I mumbled like usual, and bitched to myself for having to go to school so damned early. Once again I threw my alarm clock to the floor and listened as the annoying beeping died. My alarm clock seemed to be indestructible, every morning I'd knock it off onto the wood floor, it would shut it off and yet it always worked the next day. It's not like I needed one anyway, my Mother always made sure I was up. I heard laughing coming somewhere from within the house, it was a male voice, not my Mother's... if he's still here I'll be taking Amber's advice with hoping for a better suffering...

Sadly I was right and he was still here, I'd be damned if my name became Steven Judas! Then again, having the last name Judas could be cool, but hell no! A teacher and principle for parents come on they're killing me here, can you see it? Oh no she's giving him that look of affection, so wrong... I walked steadily from the disgusting display in the kitchen and took my shower, the hell with watching that. Once I was done in the bathroom I wrapped a towel around me and walked a crossed the hall to my bedroom. Dean walked out of my Mother's room, he was wearing one of my Dad's old clothes. I had a flash back you could say, I never liked my Dad, not after what he had done to me, us my whole life. I was 14 before she separated from him and was close to 16 when he died. It was a blessing you could say, he was no longer there, he couldn't hurt me. And yet in his last few months I ended up liking him, yet I resented him. Emotions suck, it's plain and simple, and I didn't like him in his old clothes. It wasn't like he spit in my face or anything, it's just demented...

He seemed to notice my stare and asked if there was something wrong. I shook my head no and fled to my sanctuary, someone kill me, please... what the hell is going on with everyone, well ok, I always figured they'd finally get moving in a new direction but not this fast... Brad... now that's a whole new story I haven't even began to grasp we hate each other yet there is an attraction I hate to say it dammit! Amber seemed like the best bet I'd have to get her to skip PE with me. She's the guru for our group, she's always knows what to do well, most of the time anyway. I threw on my clothes, I selected a dark blue long sleeved shirt made out of fishnet like material, and long black shorts. I didn't wear shorts often, and I wore my fishnet shirt even less. But I decided I liked the shorts as they showed off my awesome boots and the fishnet, what can I say I have a little queen running around inside of me!

"You don't plan on going to school like that?" My Mother asked.

"Duh!"

"I thought gay men had a taste for style..."

"Psh! Don't go there girl!" I said in my best lisp. She gave me her warning glare, and I shut up. "Can I use Dad's old car today?"

"Why?"

"I feel like driving, you said if I kept my grade level at an A to B average I could use the car, I have kept my part of the deal it's your turn to keep your half. Plus I need to go to work tonight. Shit!"

"Steven Joseph Finn for the last time boy watch that mouth or it'll be filled with soap!"

"You'd have to hold me down and I doubt you could do that, now can I have the keys or not?"

"Fine, but I swear if you start fucking up again and lose the A's and B's you'll never use the car again! Understand? Since I found that bag of Marijuana and pills you had, you have very little trust don't screw up again!" She said as she handed me the keys, only if she knew... I hadn't changed one bit all I did was applied myself a fraction more to pull my grades up from D's the homework and class work bored me, what was the point of going to school if you already know the material.

I grinned to myself, and got into my Dad's old pickup truck. He left it to my Mother and she gave it to me, she thought she could control me with it, and to a degree she can, but not very much. I quickly got it started and onto the street, the ride to school was boring but music helped pass the time.

In the school parking lot I saw Jimmy and the rest of the gang getting out of his car. I parked a few spaces down from his car. Amber saw me first and waved. A huge grin covered her face... Oh Gods' she's never gonna let me live this down. I thought as I walked over to them.

"Hey there, how is working with Brad going hun?" Her eyes held a sparkle of mischief.

"...um ok I guess... Did Clive drool all over you or did he behave?" I said taunting her back.

"That's cold hun, even for you."

"Maybe, seriously though, ditch PE with me. I really, really need to talk to you."

"Ok, I guess I can, I still have 5 unused absences."

"Ugh I only have 3 you suck."

"Thats what you get for always getting sent to sweeps." Amber reminded me.

"I know I know."

"Hi there Steven." Peter said. If I didn't know any better I'd say he was totally checking me out. "Interesting shirt." He added.

"Isn't it? I felt a little flambouyant this morning."

"When aren't you flaming?" Jimmy said with a evil smile.

"Oh but you know you like it big boy!" I said batting my eye lashes at him. He bursted out laughing.

"Your right, I do. Makes you unique."

"Just like your cute butt does for you." Amber said looking at Jimmy.

"Well I don't know about you all, but I'm craving a Choclate chip muffin from the cafeteria...all warm and gooey mmm." I said basically drooling.

"Already got the munchies?"

"I wish, Since my Mom found my stash I've been too afraid to smoke in the house. Military school in Iowa doesn't sound fun to me, then again all those horney guys... nah! I'd probably get beaten to death by the drill seargeant for back talking too much."

"Would she really?" Peter said.

"Yeah, she would." Jimmy said for me.

"Yea she would." I agreed for effect.

"Well how about we hit up the football field beforehand, so we can have the munchies." Jimmy said with a dopey grin.

"Sounds good to me, how bout you Amber?"

"Of coarse."

After getting stoned behind the bleachers we all headed to the cafeteria. That's where I saw him. Amber poked me in the ribs to make sure I saw him eyeing me from acrossed the room.

"How cute! You two are so gonna fuck, you traitor, but hey can't blame you he's hot." Amber said.

"Grr. Dammit why does life have to be so damn complicated?"

"Because God likes watching us squirm like worms."

"Probably the sadistic ass."

I grabbed my breakfast and walked out into the cold morning air. Amber was behind me, "so what are we ditching for, I have a feeling it deals with what I walked in on yesterday."

"You'd be right." I said taking a bite out of my muffin. "Shit I still need to tell him I forgot about work."

"Call in sick. You so need to get laid."

"Come on... you so suck right now. I don't need it that bad."

"Yes you do." Jimmy chimed in.

"What does he need?" Peter asked.

"To get laid by the head jock, Brad."

Peter's jaw dropped."What?"

"What?" Jimmy asked.

"Well, isn't sex wrong until marriage? And isn't ... well you know... 'gay' sex a sin?"

"We're all sinners, we all lie, cheat, and steal in some way. And well I don't find killing a goat or lamb or whatever and burnning it on an alter to be anyway of attoning for my sins. It's not a sin to me, I like dick, and not pussy, it's normal for me." I said.

"Well, I guess your somewhat right..." He said looking confused.

"Don't think on it too much, you won't need to, I'll grow on ya."

"I have to agree with the silly little faggot, he does grow on you, but silly boy dicks are for chics." Amber said while sticking her tongue out in my direction.

"Love you too, my lovely fag hag."

"I despise that. I am no hag."

"Whatever same difference."

"So you calling in sick lover boy or are you gonna pass up hot jock action?"

"Do you even need to ask? I despise him, hate him, want to see him in a corner crying even..."

Amber smiled as if she knew something I didn't, whatever! He is just so... argh! His stupid Macho dumbness doesn't work on me... damn his abs felt so yummy though! Oh...my...god! He's in my mind. "Time for a change a subject." I said miserably.

"Hun I see the cogs working, but I agree I'm hungry." She said sitting at one of the tables.

We all followed suit and as my wish was granted we started talking about what homework we needed to exchange. It was one of our daily rituals, copy, pass, copy. We all did one subject that we shared, Amber got history, Jimmy got math, and I was stuck with literature which didn't bother me. Peter watched us, his goody-goodiness amazed me. It was like watching a child learn death or something. At the same time his manners were cute in the fact he was so innocent.

It was about a minute before the bell rang that Amber nudged me and covertly pointed at Brad sitting at a table behind me. "How long has he been there?"

"For a couple minutes, so nows your chance to tell him it won't work today." Her smiled seemed almost evil, as if she knew my inner thoughts, which knowing her she did.

"Naw, I'll tell him in class. Hopefully it'll make it so he can't consentrate."

"Sure hun, keep telling yourself that." then the bell rang and she flashed her all knowing smile again. "Traitor." I growled my protest and walked to first period.

It would seem his disease plagued me, since I heard very little of what Mr. Judas was saying. He caught me off guard with a question as well, which I stumbled my way through, barely. He gave me that look, as if he were a father figure, guess again. Just cause he's sleeping with my Mom doesn't give him that authority. The bell rang while thoughts of Brad lingered in my brain. It plagued me through shop with Jimmy, then it was time to see him. Do I tell him or not? It ran through my head, Do I play sick or go to work? It seemed to zoom by my thought process at every second of the clock hand. A constant ticking in my head. I walked in to the class and sat at our new seating arrangment as said on the chalk board. I grumbled as I saw him sitting there. That cocky smile on his face that I so despised...

"Whats up, lab partner." He said the cockiness and self-confidence in his voice nearly suffocating me, while oddly invoking feelings in me that I was going to shred to pieces then burn and stomp and scorch before they infected the rest of my logical brain.

"I..." can go to work some other time... wait! ..just say shut up. "Not me, maybe you should re-adjust yourself?" I said with an equal amount of cockiness. Which inspired a grin from him.

Mrs. Tingle stood up and started talking. "Good your all in your new seats. I'd like to go around the room and hear your current ideas for your projects. Please stand when I call your names and tell us what you have planned. Charles & Donna why don't you two start off."

As they blabbered their plans I found myself looking Brad over. I couldn't stop myself it was as if some creature invaded my body and took control. I grumbled inside while enjoying his looks. He caught me at one point and just grinned. A stupid huge one that screamed it, I know what your thinking and at the same time I knew he was thinking it too.

Get a hold of yourself man! Fuck this is not happening not with Brad Nicholson!! Amber was right God does like watching us squirm. Arghh he's looking agaqin, and theres that damn feeling. Stop it harmones!

"You look deep in thought there, partner." He said with a huge grin, I'm sure enjoying watching me squirm with my inner battle.

"Fuck off, once this project is done I'll be happy if I never see your face again!"

He just chuckled as if he knew that my harmones were trying to take over. "We'll see... yes we will."

Chapter Seven

Justin

When I stepped inside it was dark as always. Home was supposed to be calm, a place to unwind. Not for me. It never has been, and now my nerves were shot as it was. When I closed the door my Dad grunted at me. Meaning I had made it in time. I smiled at my Mom and walked to my room. Inside my room I sat there stewing over Billie’s obvious betrayal. Yet I couldn’t stay mad at him, I wanted to but I just couldn’t. Not when the very thought of him inspires this jittery nervous butterfly feeling in me.

I know it sounds bad but it was so good to feel like that. To actually feel anything at all. However, what had happened with his parents blew my mind away. They knew about us and didn’t care… It just seemed so implausible as if they were yanking our chain. I was waiting for the shit to hit the fan. Would she tell me Mom? Dear God, would she tell him?

The night progressed in the same way, what if, after what if. I tried not thinking, thinking was making me nervous far too nervous. I decided on sleep.

Sleeping wasn’t any better, my thoughts plagued my dreams still. I tossed and turned through the night. I woke to chirping birds, the sky was clear for once and the sun was shining. Fear crept up my spine like a misty fog covering my bones. I sat up straight, I looked around my room but he had yet to make an appearance. I sighed for my luck and laid back down. I felt a smile grow on my face, it felt foreign but so good. Billie filled my thoughts, Billie - my drug of choice. I craved his presence, his touch and very scent. I sighed knowing I was lucky to pull off our stunt last night.

Then like a thousand bricks the realization came to me. My secret was no longer just mine--I felt an invisible claw wrap around my brain. It was as if my body had been filled with ice while I slept. The power of that thought pounded on the inside of my skull like a bunch of swarming bees. The day went on as usual.

I got dressed, went to my bus stop, then found my way into an empty seat. I watched the scenery pass by outside. The cactus and bushes, seemed so dull today. The usual purple, red, yellow, and white flowers left the plants making them look bland. When I finally got to school I wasn’t surprised to see Billie waiting in the usual spot.

I smiled at him, hit him in the shoulder then we walked off to talk before class started. We found a bench in the courtyard that was empty and made for two. I smiled at him and I wondered what it would be like to kiss him--now, in school. While all the kids passed us by. What would they do? What would the teachers say? It seemed so stupid to me. My mind cannot and will not accept that my love is wrong or abominable. It just can’t be, it would ruin the very fabric of my being. Billie makes me whole, complete, filled.

My thoughts wandered, as the chain unraveled in my head. Once the teachers knew, they’d tell our parents, we knew what Billie’s parents thought. Mine on the other hand… He’d kill me, no; us. What if that didn’t happen though, what if he only beat me then kicked me out? Sure it’s a week or longer of pain, but then I could be by myself. Either way I was tired, tired of living a lie, tired of fighting to go on, tired of holding it all in and never letting it out.

Billie gently rubbed my hand and woke me from my thoughts. I looked into his eyes that threatened to steal my soul. I fought the almost necessity to kiss his fragile lips, with a ravenous lusting want.

“What are you thinking of Justin?” Billie said raising his brow.

“I think you know…” I said blushing while imagining his body and god given equipment. To know I knew his body, that he knew mine, and that it was all mine thrilled me unbelievably at the moment, and I wanted to release it from it’s cage.

“Quit looking at me like that, god I feel like a steak or something…” Billie said blushing.

“How about we meet in the bathrooms after lunch?”

“Justin! Your kidding right?”

“No.” I said without shame.

“God now I’m horny! Yes.”

“Good,” I said beaming.

The day progressed slowly I was waiting for lunch so I could see him again. When the bell finally rang for lunch I felt that giddiness come to me like the first day we ever did anything. I met him at the cafeteria, we set the time and the right bathroom. We ate our lunch while giving each other smiles.

Our eyes flirted with each other, and I felt a slight blush taking control of my cheeks. I was rock hard below my waist and excited as hell. When the bell rang we split ways and went to our classes. I waited for the clock to finally hit 1:15... The seconds seemed to take HOURS, and the minutes were years.

I was out of it when my teacher asked me a question. I smiled sheepishly knowing I didn’t know. Mrs. Conner was cool, so I did the only thing that I thought might save me.

“Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep” I said lowering the pitch as my head dropped to the side. I almost laughed but got it out, “Brain dead!”

The classroom ignited in laughter Mrs. Conner’s face was annoyed at first but it faded into a smile and she joined in with the laughter.

“Okay smart-ass, pay attention now, k?” Mrs. Conner said ruffling my hair. She turned my page to the right page and pointed where she was at.

After she was done rounding the class, I went back to watching the clock, again the seconds seemed to be hours, and finally after an eternity of waiting it finally hit that magical number.

I walked up to her desk and handed her one of my restroom passes. She smiled at me and told me to get my act together before I got back so I could learn something. I smiled at her and walked off. The hallways were empty, and very void. Since they made away with the lockers it looks so empty. Only three more days till we get our beloved lockers back. I finally got to the restroom, I walked in and found Billie waiting sitting against the sink.

“Hey there slow poke!” He said sticking out his tongue.

I smiled, and pinned him to the sink. My lips enveloped his, as my lust guided my body. My hands roamed over him, feeling his hard stomach then lower to the prize. The other hand found it’s way under his shirt and to his now erect nipple. My tongue found his supple and tender neck, I let my teeth and tongue tantalize his neck and jaw, causing him to quiver. It encouraged me to go further yet, I lifted his shirt up till it hit my chin, then I removed my mouth from his neck and placed it over his other nipple.

Just a moment after beginning my assault on his nipple it became hard and more fun to nibble at. His breathing got more intense, my cock strained at my pants and I felt the familiar stickiness leaking from me. It inspired my hand to reach inside his loose sweat pants. My hand curled around his cock, and my fingertips found his nectar. I used his fluids to lube his cock as I slowly stroked it.

His hands found his way to my butt and the other fumbled with my zipper. I pulled his pants and boxers below his balls, and fully exposed him to me. He looked at me in disbelief, but I wanted it. I let my mouth be filled by him. I sucked with a bone tingling, skin incinerating fever. He moaned out his back curved and his hips jerked. I increased my suction I wanted his seed and I wanted to make it boil out. It didn’t take long to get my reward.

His body shuddered and his knees went weak as he leaned against the sink. The angle shoved his cock further in and I felt it expand then explode in my throat. His hands wrapped around my head as he unleashed all he had. I gagged a little but it seemed to add to the experience. He panted and sweat rolled down his face.

A huge grin was plastered to his face and he sat there as if stupefied for a minute.

“Jesus Justin!! God whatever that got you this horny was worth it, what did I do?”

“Just being you is what you did. And that’s not all…” I said while feeling the evidence in my pants.

“Really? I thought so I wasn’t sure however.”

“Yea I did that was so fucking hot!!” I said giggling. We kissed, he helped me clean up my mess and we split up to get to our classes.

I walked back to my class and sat at my desk. I could still taste Billie and my cock was still semi-stiff from our encounter. It made concentrating on the work hard, and the more I tried working the more my mind wandered to Billie’s body.

By the end of class I only got half of the lesson done, which meant I would have homework. I grumbled at my horny self and packed up my stuff. The day progressed slowly. The game plan was the same, I’d go home and say I needed to do some more work on my project.

Our plan worked as it had before. This time however my Mother took me to Billie’s, My Mom chatted a little while with Billie’s. I couldn’t help it but I became a wallflower on the kitchen wall, listening intently on what was being passed back and forth. Billie’s Mom looked at me as if knowing my reasons but just smiled and kept talking.

When they were finally done talking I was happy. I wanted my Mom to have a friend but at the same time I felt very threatened. All these years of keeping it all wrapped up in twine and repairing the damage and now it was all about to unravel and I wanted to stop it.

Fear was my motive, and pain was my reality. However Billie fit into it and made me question my motives. Did I want to let the ball I had kept so tightly wound covered and hidden, or did I want to rip it to shreds, to be free and live my life? If Billie was with me I decided I didn’t care either way.

It was Friday, and the weekend was almost in my grasp. Up to this point we had kept my Dad at bay, but now it was time for the graded paper and now I faced a dilemma that we hadn’t thought about. Billie and I got sweeps three times on purpose so we could work on our “project” by the end of the third sweeps class we had it done. We graded it ourselves and put a C on it.

It seemed like it was going to work out, it had to, or he’d kill me. I knew it. If he knew it was all a lie just to get out of being grounded… I didn’t want to think what he’d do. It made my stomach knot. The bus ride home was unbelievably long. It seemed to stretch hours upon hours. When it was finally my stop I felt my stomach quiver as the bus driver opened the door.

My sweaty palm found the door knob, I turned it and opened the door. My eyes adjusted to the difference in light as I stood in the doorway. Another old western was on and I saw him sitting in his recliner as if he were God. I kept my head low and avoided contact. I walked to the bathroom and went pee. It made me feel more calm.

The night progressed slowly, and I was waiting for him to ask about the grade but he never did. I didn’t know whether to be pleased or afraid. During dinner we sat quietly around the table. My dad chugged his beers, my Mom ate quietly, and I found myself pushing my food around. The air as always was thick with tension, it felt like it would strain so tight it would snap and create a vortex and suck us in. Halfway through his plate he hiccupped and undid his belt. I looked at him with disgust, he seemed so piggish to me all the time.

After dinner he was his usual drunk self. I watched him with fear bubbling under my skin. Finally the moment I had dreaded all day--his voice interrupted my turmoil of thoughts and made them rage into a blazing inferno.

“So what did ya git boy?”

“Huh?” I said not sure if he meant the report or not.

“The report thick head!”

“Oh… a C. He said it had great voice, but that the presentation was lacking.”

“Oh, now did he? I hated prick teachers. So why don’t you present it, Justin? Why don’t I be the judge?” he said.

His words were sinister, as always. I grabbed out our report and the few maps we drew. It was quite good if you asked me for being done within about an hour and half.

I started reading it, in my place on the floor, but he insisted I stand in front of the TV to present it right. I followed his orders not wanting confrontation. I felt sweat form on my forehead. My Mom gave me a silent nod of approval.

I read it, I explained how Hitler gained his power from the lack of the World Court and their failure to keep him in check. How it caused the downfall of Europe as he slowly and strategically took control. I read how he segregated groups of minorities. The star, color, and triangle meanings. It was thorough, and complete. I showed the three maps of Hitler’s growth in power over the years he reigned.

He was pleased. “Good job, since you did a good job your ungrounded.” He stood up and patted my shoulder. My shell hardened at his touch, but melted at the affection, it’s what I craved. All I wanted was just a touch of compassion and love, or a word of praise. It gave me false hope in my small heart. He smacked my face and again said I did a good job.

He left it at that and stumbled to their room. I felt my knees shaking, and the ravens eating at my stomach. A sigh left my mouth in a gush of wind. The tension left me for a second if not longer. I was home free, it worked! My Mom stood and gave me a hug. She smiled at me and looked me straight in the eye’s.

“Good job honey, but don’t pull another stunt like that.” My jaw fell and I looked at her amazed.

“But how?”

“Unlike your father, I do call the hotline for the school to check on what you need to get done for school. You know honey, I am your Mom and I do look out for you. Just remember if you ever need to tell me anything, anything at all, Justin--anything and I’ll listen. I’ll always love you and protect you, understand?”

“Yes, mom.” I said. I felt tears in my eyes and I wondered just how much she really did know. Did she know about Billie and I? Did Billie’s mom spill the beans? At the moment I didn’t care. I felt loved and I wanted her to know. “Thanks mom, you’re the greatest ever! I love you.” I said as I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. She smiled at me and told me goodnight.

For once, it was a good night. I fell asleep so easily, and I didn’t worry at all.

Note: Well for Samhain or rather Halloween I am doing a Halloween special. The day-you guessed it-Halloween! The year, well that’s fuzzy ;-) LOL. I know I am a freak but I love it :-P and without further redo, the Halloween special!

The final bell finally ringed, and the energy in me raised even higher. I met up with Billie in the hallway by his locker. I had the strongest urge to kiss his neck and grab a handful of his ass but I let my eyes do all the talking. He blushed at me and smiled.

“You ready for tonight?” He asked me.

“Almost, I have the pomegranate, apple, bread and wine. We need to stop at Clare’s to get the Sage.”

“Did you bring the athame?” Billie asked.

“Yes, I didn’t want to say it out loud though just in case the last thing I need is for a teacher to find out I had a 8 inch double bladed dagger in school all day.” I said quietly watching all angles.

“Did you bring yours?”

“Yes, nearly cut my finger on it too!”

“Ok, my parent’s know I won’t be home tonight, did you tell yours the same?”

“Do I look dumb to you babe?” He said, his eyes also shifting directions.

“No, not at all. We’ll stop at your house to place some of the bread and half of the second apple near your window, then mine. Then we need to stop at Clare’s, then finally our destination.”

“I’m not sure if I want to sleep in the desert…” Billie said not sure if he wanted to. I didn’t want to either but there was no choice now.

“We’ll only be a couple miles away from home and only 1 from a hospital if any critters get one of us. I’ve been stung by a scorpion before, it hurts like hell but I didn’t die, just felt sick for a day or two. My asshole Dad wouldn’t even take me to the hospital.” I said bitterly.

“What are we gonna use for an altar?”

“I know this is gonna sound ridiculous but a box.”

“A box?”

“Yea… I know but carrying a table will look REALLY weird! A closed TV box is gonna be weird enough.”

“Where is it?”

“I already have it where we’re going.” I said, we were nearly off school property now. “Did you get the candles and goblet?”

“Yes,” Billie said cutting me off. “And the cauldron and the spices and oil. Did you make sure you got the mortar and pestle?”

“Yes, we are definitely set. I’m not sure if I want to do it sky clad though, what if someone comes and see’s us naked and all?” I said a little self-conscious.

“Well, then they’ll see us all naked. It’ll be like in gym.” Billie said smiling.

We made our stops, then rode the bus to Clare’s Witches Paradise and got the Sage. We hopped back on the bus and got off a mile from our destination. I carried the box and felt self-conscious.

Once we finally made it to the desert Billie pulled out his cell phone and called home. He assured his Mom he was at my house then I did the same with mine. Now all would be fine unless one of them called each other, which was becoming frequent.

In the past week since being grounded and ungrounded all seemed fine and well. He was still getting drunk but for some reason he just fell asleep. I’d find out later he was just doing overtime and was too worn out for what he always did to us. My house seemed to be in an uplifted mood, which was perfect. I wanted to feel safe and happy, and altogether just at peace.

And it had been peace, pure serenity. I was sleeping easier, not plagued with insomnia or blackouts. Not to mention I was able to leave the dungeon to go to Billie’s. Where we planned our Samhain ritual, down to the very spot we’d do it.

And here we were. Setting up the altar with the right things. The fruit, the pumpkin, the incense, salt, water, candles, pentacle, it was all in proper order. The make-shift altar held all we needed it to. We did the ritual in slow rhythmic movements calculating our ever step and word. The air around us seemed to thin and fill with an abundant energy that pulsed through our veins.

We said our parts, called on our dead loved ones to come play and eat. We drank from the goblet filled with burgundy colored wine that tasted of grapes and cherry wood. We did our magical workings to honor the year, and the turning of the wheel. Our candles flickered in the cool autumn air as it chilled our naked skin. Once the ritual was over we closed the circle, but still stayed within it‘s safety. We both buried half the apple and left the other half out.

We sipped the wine while snuggling up to each other. By now we were dressed again and I wished we weren’t. My face was warm and flushed, I knew this feeling, as I had stolen from my Dad’s liquor cabinet before. I wondered why he got so mean after drinking? For me it was just this warm fuzzy feeling inside, almost like the one Billie could give me with just a look. Maybe that was what it was now? I didn’t care, we continued sipping and touching. It was bliss, as if we were in the Summerland’s with the Gods’ with a warm breeze brushing our skin. I pictured the wind spirits slightly kissing us as they flew by.

The night was silent, as if there wasn’t a neighborhood just a couple blocks away and the outskirts of a city just 2-3 miles away. It was as if we were transported back to a time where no one dared venture to places unknown. I looked at my watch which read 12:52. Billie passed back the bottle and I took a big swig off of it. It warmed my insides and inspired a belch to escape my mouth. Billie jumped then laughed really hard at me. At first I was embarrassed but felt it fade away as laughter escaped my throat. I turned my head and kissed him in the mid of his laughter. It silenced him as his tongue found it’s place among mine.

It wasn’t long before I was in his lap facing him. Our arms were wrapped around each other and our tongues lodged deep in each others mouths. His hardness pressed into mine allowing me to know he was just as excited as me. His precious lips left mine to wonder to my neck. My head fell back as if on cue giving him all the access he wanted. It inspired a growl from within me. It was raw and lewd in manner. His tongue traced a burning trail up my neck to my jaw line where he nibbled sending my sexual energy higher.

The air made strange but not unwanted sensations as the warmed was replaced by coldness. My hands roamed his body, my left hand instinctively found his rock hard member and the other wormed itself under his shirt to find his right nipple. My hips came alive to tease us both. His mouth found mine with an anxiety and we were connected in a lip-lock again. The sensations went to an overload status as my air became thin. Almost like a parasite I sucked air from him to keep going. It could have been hours that we were there kissing and gyrating our bodies in a balanced rhythm. Finally our lungs could take no more neglect, our lips parted with a smack and sigh.

My body seemed to be burning as our eyes connected with grins errantly plastered on our faces. Madonna’s song seemed to be right amazingly. The coyness, and wonder where here, in a fusion. As if it were the very first time, again. Our territories were known but at the same time unknown. Where could we venture, to the heights and places already known or to a new level of existence where we could become lost in our union?

Either way we found new heights, as our bodies intertwined in a mass of sweat, flesh, and love. The night closed leaving us naked and wrapped in a blanket under the twinkling stars. This night would forever be with me, to recall years upon years after it was said and done.

To be continued…

Chapter Six

Justin

The day progressed slowly, I think it was our plan eating away at my nerves. If I were to be caught, he’d kill me, but I needed Billie. I needed to feel his love and I wanted to give him all I could in return. When we got back on school grounds the lunch bell rang. By the time I got to my next class I was tardy. Again class progressed like normal, then my teacher pulled me aside. I was tired of lying, but kept my story.

My mouth went dry, and my stomach seemed to knot as I walked down the hall, pass Mr. Sanchez’s class and further yet to Building A. I was ten foot from Mrs. Donaldson’s room, and butterflies filled my stomach as my nervousness became more frenzied. I sighed as my hand grabbed the knob, and I opened the door. Mrs. Donaldson was sitting behind her desk, and in a chair in front of her desk was the Principle. I felt the blood leave my face, and the butterflies turned into ravens.

She motioned for me to sit and I sat in the opposite chair. “Hi Mr. Jacoby.”

“Hi Justin. I was worried about you since your teachers told me about your shiner there, and what a nice one it is. There were a few discrepancies in your story, I thought we’d get down to it and find out the real story.”

I felt sick, and trapped like an animal. Mrs. Donaldson gave me some papers to fill out. Some psychobabble about knowing how I am doing. I filled it out and she went over it.

“As I thought, you are way too stressed for your age! Justin you can tell us anything, nobody else will know what goes on in this room today.”

“I already told you, I ran into a wall. I was just stupid ok? Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Well you see Justin, you told me you ran into a wall because your Dad called you, yet earlier you told Mr. Chadwick your mother bought you a new game so you were excited, were running to your room and she called you and you turned your head. Which one is it?”

“Both, I was excited because my Mom got me a game and when I was running to my room to play it, my Dad called me. I was just under pressure, Mr. Chadwick kind of intimidates me.”

Mr. Jacoby looked at me then said, “Justin if there is something going on at home, we can help you.”

“There isn’t I was just dumb, or absent minded and ran into a stupid wall and everyone is blowing it way out of proportion. I have done stuff like this more than once I really am just a clutz…”

They looked at each other for a little bit. I knew I was winning by the looks on their faces. Deny, deny, deny, always works. I smiled inside at evading them, until Mrs. Donaldson looked me square in the eyes.

“So would it be alright with you if I called your parent’s?”

The ravens returned in a vicious battering of my stomach. A sour taste filled my mouth and I felt panic run up my spine. I decided she was way too thorough. I sighed and hoped it would work.

“Yea you can if you want, but can I please get back to my class. I’m not doing too well in Spanish as it is?”

“Well ok then, I don’t think I need to call your parents, yes you may get back to class.” I stood ready to bolt to the door when she spoke up again. “Be careful from now on ok? People will get the wrong idea.”

“As I’ve seen,” I smiled and walked away. I got to the door and was home free. When I reached the other side of the door, my lungs collapsed sending the air out of me. I felt my hands shake, as the nervous energy pumped through my veins. The lies were getting hard to follow, and I knew when I got home it might just happen again, like always.

When final period came I was breaking from being so nervous. If he found out our plan was just a lie I’d be dead, at the same time it could save me from another beating… The war inside of me raged on, for eternity it seemed. When the final bell rang I was still somewhat lost. I told Billie I’d call him when I got home to let him know if I could get out for our “project”.

The bus ride was noisy, boring, and added to my nerves. At my bus stop I gulped it down and tried getting my game face on. The walk home seemed to be my final stretch. I turned the knob and walked inside.

The darkness inside blinded me as always, he always kept it like a dingy cell inside the house. When my eyes adjusted to the darkness I saw him sitting on the couch, my Mom was on the other end doing some pinpoint. I smiled at her and then my gaze hit my feet. I walked over to him and stood to the side as not to block his view.

“Uhm… Dad?”

“…”

“...My history teacher assigned team projects for this week, and my partner asked if I could come over to his house cause he has a computer and it would make the research faster... He wanted me to call and let him know.” I kept my eyes to the ground and hoped I hadn’t disturbed him and his stupid old western enough for a beating.

“What the fuck is it about boy?”

“...WWII, the holocaust, and Hitler’s New Order. We have to identify the leaders of the axis-powers and the allied-powers, and what roles they had in ending the war, and we have to tie it in to why it started the cold war.”

“Whatever, make sure you get your ass home by 7 and no fucking later, you hear me, BOY?” He said looking over his glasses, while giving me a look that could kill even the strongest Olympians. I felt my insides rot and decay in a rancid glory of self-hate and uncertainty.

“O-ok…” I grabbed the phone and called Billie. My Dad listened in on the conversation as always. I was happy I told Billie it was his routine for groundings in school so he knew not to give us away. His Mom answered, “Is Billie there?”

“Yes, one moment--BILLIE!” I heard a clacking noise and then heard Billie’s sweet voice fill my ears. “Hey Justin! I didn’t think you were going to call. I was sure you’d leave me alone to do all the boring work! God, how did our teacher think of this evil project, history bites!”

“It does, well anyway I am allowed to come over but I have to be home by seven o’clock sharp, my parent’s have this thing about eating dinner at the same time…” I lied which seemed to inspire a wicked smile from my Dad. His protruding eye brows seem to grow even longer into wicked horns, my throat went dry at his look and I continued. “I’ll ask my Mom if I can get a ride, if not I’ll take the bus.”

“My Mom already said she could pick you up if you needed a ride.”

“Oh, ok that’s cool. Tell her thanks for me. I’ll be out front.”

“Justin, times up, this isn’t a social call, your lucky I am letting you leave when your grounded!” My Dad butted in. I wanted to growl at him and tell him to fuck off, but I knew better.

“Well I got to go! See ya in a little bit!”

“Ok, see ya in a few.” He hung up, then I hung up.

“Your lucky boy, I could have sworn you were lying to me. Get your ass ready I don’t need no rich bitch comin’ to my fucken door!”

I already had my backpack over my shoulder and I was basically ready to go. I went to the door to go wait, but he stopped me. He looked me over and decided I passed his whatever-test that was. I waited on the curb for Billie and his Mom.

Billie

When Justin called he sounded really stressed, and I knew his Dad was listening. He had warned me at school his Dad sometimes did that when he was grounded. I had already made plans with my Mom to go pick him up. We were on the way to his house when my Mom pulled over and pulled into a parking lot.

“Ok Billie, what’s going on? Your acting nervous.”

Damn, how does she always know? “Nothing.”

“Billie…” She gave me that mother knows look and I crumbled.

“Well Justin and I are kind of lying to his Dad... I know it’s not right but I am worried about Justin. He’s been grounded since he got back from the lake and he told me some stupid story about breaking his grandmas urn… I know he was lying, I can just tell, and he had a big bruise on his face. Then…” I caught myself, I couldn’t tell her he flinched when I hugged him like it caused him pain, she’d ask why we were hugging…

“Billie, you know lying is wrong what have I told you about that? Never mind. What do you think happened?”

“I don’t wanna say anything because I’m not sure, but I think Justin’s Dad is mean... I think maybe he hurt Justin.”

She gave me a look, and I knew she wasn’t going to say anything about the lie to Justin’s parents. My Mom told me about her childhood, and about how her Dad used to hurt her and she’d lie so no one would know. She had a concerned look on her face, then she started driving again.

Justin was sitting on the curb when we turned around the corner. He stood when he saw my Mom’s car and smiled in our direction.

My Mom looked at me weird for a second, or maybe it was just me. I felt so much better just seeing him that I didn’t care. I just needed to see him and be around him. I wanted to protect him, and unlike at school I was going to make him tell me what happened. The ride to my house was pretty much silent. My Mom cross examined Justin but said nothing about the bruise on his face. When we got to my house we got out of the car and Justin thanked my Mom for the ride.

She smiled at him and said it was no problem. She didn’t ask about his bruise but I had a feeling she would sooner or later that night. We ran up the stairs and to my room. When we got in there I hugged and kissed him then walked him towards the bed. On the bed we sat side by side and I finally broke the somewhat uncomfortable silence that had begun.

“Justin I want to know the truth. If you can’t tell me the truth then I don’t think our relationship will work out.” It was a threat that was hollow but I was determined to find the truth.

He was silent, so silent I would have sworn he was a corpse. The only thing that separated him from a corpse was his eyes that blinked now and then. His hand went clammy at my question and the look on his face was one that signified he was deep in thought. His head turned slowly in my direction and tears threatened to fall out of his beautiful eyes.

“I love you Billie, more than I value my own life. I want to tell you, but you’d hate me.”

“Never, I swear Justin nothing could ever make me hate you, unless you cheated or something but then I’d just be hurt so never do that. What is it, please tell me I can handle it, unless your dying from like cancer.”

“I, my…” He stopped, then looked out my window.

“Please Justin, I can’t help it but I have to know I am sorry I’m being selfish but I just can’t not know. It’s eating at me so badly.”

“My Dad… if I tell you and he finds out…”

I couldn’t help it. I knew what he was hiding I knew it I think since that night I felt sick. Something in me told me and I wanted to believe my logic instead. It set me off which made Justin jump from the force I said it. “If that bastard has hurt you I’ll kill him! He has hasn’t he? I fucking knew it!”

Justin looked terrified, “Sexy, baby… I love you and I know even if you won’t say it he has hurt you. I can feel it inside of me, and I can’t stand it. I love you so much and to think he has done something to you kills me inside. Your so smart, beautiful, and you deserve anything and everything. Please know that, don’t let him make you feel like you are right now. I will never go anywhere I love you and even if you are suffering from abuse that doesn’t change a thing. You are not the bad person, he is. Do you understand?”

Tears fell down his cheeks and he looked at me straight into my eyes and he nodded. It meant more than he understood, I could tell it meant more than that. It was his admittance to what I thought or rather knew. A slight sob left his quivering lips and I felt my heart darken and soften. I swore I’d protect Justin against his father even if it killed me. He hugged me and I could feel the weakness he felt. I held his face and kissed him on his bruise then on his lips, he pulled me closer to him and that’s when I noticed out of the corner of my eye.

My Mom was standing in the doorway she was watching us. I felt fear seep into my body at the realization of being caught in our intimate moment. Her reaction wasn’t what I thought it would be, she simply smiled and left the doorway. Still my insides knotted even though I felt it would all be alright. I wasn’t sure I wanted them to know about me. Everyone always talked about people like us in the most horrible ways. My mind couldn’t grasp how people could hate just because of who you fall in love with. It was just so simple to me, I love Justin, he loves me and we make each other happy I couldn’t see how that was bad. I just couldn’t.

We stayed in our embrace for about 20 minutes when Justin finally let go of me. He looked into my eyes and I don’t know. That single look just made me melt, physically and emotionally and at the same time it fueled me with a energy I hadn’t felt before. It was as if in that one second our souls touched, and danced in the most voluptuous way. It was 6, meaning we only had an hour left. My Mother as always knew when it was time to butt in. She called us to come downstairs.

When we reached the top of the stairs we were assaulted by the smell of lasagna. Justin’s stomach growled, and we both giggled. When we got to the first floor my Dad as always was in his easy chair reading the paper. He folded the paper down and examined us, then smiled. We traveled to the kitchen where my Mother was cooking asparagus and onions. She smiled at us and asked us to set the table.

Justin grabbed the silver wear and I grabbed the plates. Together we set the table.

“Billie, get the bread basket as well I made some breadsticks.”

“Ok Mom!” I said excitedly. She made two of my favorite things lasagna and breadsticks The asparagus and onion I didn’t really like, but she seemed to force me to eat at least three or four stalks of it. However I was still worried. Knowing my Mom she would bring up what she saw, she was always like that, she didn’t like secrets and always addressed anything that she needed. I knew it was going to have to be addressed at some point I just wish it wasn’t tonight.

She told us we had about 15 minutes to get washed up and at the table. She shooed us out of the kitchen and we ran up the stairs to the bathroom. We stood side by side in front of the sink. It’s when I noticed Justin was avoiding the mirror. At first I thought he was just concentrating on washing his hands but when we were done he swiftly turned away from the mirror before lifting his gaze higher. I had noticed he avoided the mirrors in the bathrooms at the Lake as well.

I grabbed him from behind and turned him around towards the mirror to test my theory and as I thought his eyes shifted to the ground again. It bothered me that he didn’t want to see himself.

“We should get back downstairs.” He said.

“Just a minute, I like seeing us like this together.” It inspired a smile to grow on his face but he still didn’t look. I decided I wouldn’t push him anymore, I had enough already.

“We should go to my room for a couple of minutes.”

“You sure?” Justin said. He turned and looked at me and his eyebrow raised.

“Yes, I am hungry for your lips, and maybe some lasagna!”

He smiled and bit his lower lip in the way he always does. It fueled the sexual energy in me and I kissed his succulent lips. He kissed back, his hands found my butt and his tongue invaded my mouth. It’s when I heard one of the stairs creak, I knew it was the third one from the top so I pulled away.

He smiled and we composed ourselves as we walked out of the bathroom. My Dad smiled and said my Mom told him to tell us dinner was done. We followed behind him downstairs. I swear I saw Justin check out my Dad from behind and I elbowed him. A huge blush colored his face, and he whispered. “It’s not my fault, you should thank him for your looks.”

I couldn’t help it and made a gag noise. “Ya perv let’s eat already.”

We finished walking to the kitchen and we sat next to each other. Our food was steaming and the smells invaded our senses. I was the first one to dig in. I burned my tongue on the lasagna but it didn’t matter. I munched it and grinned when it was all but gone. Justin was eating his asparagus without complaints. I decided he must like his vegetables as he never complained. It wasn’t too long after Justin started eating his lasagna that my Mom spoke up. A chill ran up my spine, and my eyes found the table center piece.

“Ok boys, we need to talk, don’t we?” Justin’s face paled as I’m sure mine did. “I think you both know what I’m talking about right?”

“Seriously, I just ran into a wall.” Justin said.

“Honey that is a different story, I’m talking about the other issue.” Justin looked confused but a glimmer of recognition flashed in his eyes as his met mine. He blushed.

“Mom, I was going to tell you I just didn’t know how.” I said wishing I had been more careful as my tongue seemed to be numb from the burn, or maybe it was my nerves.

“You know I am proud of you, so is your father. There has to be some ground rules, but besides that we support you, and whoever you may fall in love with. I could never hate you, especially not after 10 hours of labor!” Justin was looking at the table and seemed to be deep in thought. I looked at my Dad and he just smiled at me. It was strange to me. I totally thought they’d blow a gasket and send me to boarding school or something. My fears at the moment seemed to be hollow.

“Ok Justin now onto your bruise.”

“Uhm… what about it?”

“I know no wall did that.” He looked at me suspiciously, like he knew I told, and now I felt somewhat like a traitor.

“Seriously, it was a stupid accident, I have lots of them, I’m a really big clutz. Tell them Billie, you’ve seen me fall over my feet hundreds of times at school.” It was a demand and I knew it. He wasn’t asking me, but rather feeding me a script to paint and follow.

I looked down at my plate and contemplated my next words. Do I betray his trust to help him, or say nothing and let it blow over and possibly let him get more hurt in the process? “Well Billie, what is it?” My Mom asked.

My heart tore in half at the decision at hand and I couldn’t decide. Lie or tell the truth? Tell the truth or lie? It was soaring through my brain at what seemed to be faster than the speed of light, yet it stretched for all eternity. “I’m sorry Justin, but I can’t, I’m worried about you. I won’t lie, and in fact you have the best reflexes I’ve seen.”

He glared at me, then looked back at his plate. “Me, good reflexes? That’s funny Billie.”

My Dad seemed to take a queue at this point and knocked the vase with his hand, it went towards Justin and without knowing it himself he stopped it from falling. He looked at his hand wrapped around the vase and seemed to get a shroud of darkness around him. His face looked pained and I think he just knew, he was caught.

“Nice job, you saved the flowers.” My Dad said. “Justin we want to help you, and nothing more.”

“I don’t need help, because nothing is wrong. Oh sh.. I mean uhm, what time is it?”

My Mom’s eyebrow raised at Justin’s near slip, but looked at the clock. “It’s 6:46.”

“Uhm I really liked the food your really good at cooking, but I really need to get going. My Dad is very strict when it comes to being home by curfew.”

“What will happen if you aren’t home on time?”

Justin saw through my Mom’s attempt with perfect grace. “Well I’ll get grounded, and I’ll have to do extra chores.”

“Well, ok honey, but we are here if you need us. Let me finish up and I’ll have you home on time.”

“Ok, thank you.” He said then sat there in silence, while shifting his food around on the plate. My stomach knotted at the thought of hurting Justin, but I knew it was for the good. I left it at that though and ended up playing with my food as well, all of the sudden I just wasn’t hungry. Maybe it was the guilt infecting me.

As my Mom had promised we go Justin home two minutes before Seven. He looked at me then at my Mom. “Thanks for the rides, and the delicious dinner.”

“No problem honey have a good night.”

With that he got out and walked to his door. My Mom waited for him to go inside, but he fumbled around, but then finally opened his door and went in. When the door shut I felt my stomach sink.

Chapter Five

Billie

When I awoke I was in a wonderful mood. It was Sunday so I was really looking forward to seeing if Justin could come over. I called him but no one answered. So I went about my morning rituals. I peed, took a shower, then ate. I was bored so I played some tekken tag, I was determined to get better so I could have a chance against Justin. I played arcade on hard, it was amazingly hard. I Don’t know how Justin could play it on Very Hard and win so easily…

By lunch time Justin filled my mind. I had never felt anything like this before, I wanted to see him, and have him bless me with a kiss. I wanted to smell his sweet scent sending my spirits higher. I decided to call him again around lunchtime. Finally someone answered after the third ring.

“Hello?” It was a male so I figured it was Justin’s Dad.

“Hi! Can I talk to Justin?”

“Nope, he’s grounded and won’t be taking phone calls.”

“Oh… ok.” I said but before I finished I heard a click. I grumbled to myself. I wonder what that is about? I thought to myself.

The day seemed to drag on and on, when I got an idea. I went to my room and locked the door. I laid on my bed and thought about it. Magazine, or thoughts of Justin? Of coarse Justin won out and soon my hand was wrapped around my engorged cock. I slowly pumped on my cock, while picturing different things of him. His eyes, his smile, his body… He could drive me wild, especially the hot way he always bits his bottom lip. I was going at it furiously when there was a knock at my door. Another knock and I thought about Justin cumming and it was all that I needed. I bit down on my pillow and tried to be quiet. There were no more knocks so hopefully whoever it was thought I was sleeping.

An hour or so later I went into the living room and my Mom and Dad were on the couch snuggled up to each other. I felt a twinge inside, and I wished Justin was here so we could be like that. Not to mention for some reason I felt like I really needed to talk to him, not just for myself. I dismissed it as me just being overly clingy.

I went back to my room and watched some Kurao: Phantom Memory. But even watching that didn’t do anything for my nerves. I paced my floor for a little bit and let myself wonder why Justin might be grounded. I knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t do anything that serious. At least I was pretty sure. It took me a full week before he’d ditch school with me. As I was pacing my Mom opened the door and came in.

“Hey you, I was letting you know we’ll be eating soon, so wash up and come down.”

I did as she said and went down to the kitchen. I helped set the table then sat down in my chair. As usual the dinner proceeded like always. We talked for a few minutes, then started eating. It was when I was eating that a weird feeling crept down my spine. I couldn’t pinpoint it, but you know that feeling when you wake up, and youjust know something is going to happen? That’s what it was. I felt sick and couldn’t eat.

“I’m not really hungry, I think I’m going to go lay down.”

“Are you ok honey?” My Mom asked.

“Yea, I just feel a little sick, maybe I ate too fast?”

“Ok honey, call if you need anything.”

I went to my room, and when I laid on my bed I felt like crying, I don’t know why, but I felt so alone and I couldn’t grasp it. Justin filled my thoughts and I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I decided to try one more time to talk to him.

I called his house, the phone rang a couple of times then Justin’s Dad answered again.

“Hello?”

“Hi, may I speak with Justin?”

“Didn’t you call earlier?”

“Well, yes…”

“Well, the answer is the same.” Again he hung up on me.

I’m starting to think Justin’s Dad is mean! Jeez. But the feeling seemed to go away, after a few minutes. I shook my head at my silliness then laid on my bed.

Justin

I looked at the scissors and the thoughts that followed incited a mental riot within me. Do I do it? Do I kill myself, all it would take is a plunge right into the heart, or a stab into my liver. I shook my head, and instead of casting the thoughts from me I felt my hand twitch. I licked my lips, contemplating, do I do it or do I go to the kitchen? I got up and walked to the desk and grabbed the scissors.

I looked into the mirror and what stared back was not me. My eyes were crazed and glassed over as if I was being controlled by something else. I opened the scissors and ran a blade across my palm to see how sharp they were. When a small line of blood trickled out I had my answer. I gripped them and was raising them away to gather enough momentum to plunge them into my liver when the phone rang.

I snapped out of my trance like state and blinked at myself. I set the scissors down and picked up the phone, its display let me know it was Billie’s house. I waited for someone to answer, when it quite ringing I picked up the phone and listened. It was Billie! My Dad was talking to him.

My spirits came back a little at his voice, even more when I found out he had called already. My Dad was an asshole to him and it made me hate him that much more. I was near tears when my Dad hung up. I could have said something before Billie hung up but I didn’t want to get caught. I looked at myself and glared at me. What the fuck had I been thinking, If I had done what I wanted where would that have left Billie? I loved him too much and I guess I needed the reassurance.

I threw the scissors into my closet and walked out into the hallway. The smell of Beef stroganoff filled my nostrils and made my stomach growl in anticipation. In the kitchen it was like all of our dinners. We sat quietly, and looked at our food, while my Dad slammed back five beers in about 10 minutes. I had a bad feeling, it was never good when he drank this much.

Dinner went as usual and by the end of it he was drunk, stupid, and aggressive. He went in stages. Right now he was in his stage I call happy obnoxious. He was overly excited and nice, while at the same time abusive. He hit me in the arm and said I did a good job in the yard.

My Mom noticed his behavior and did what she did to get him to not hurt us. She looked at him in that way then said she wanted to go to bed. I knew what she was really implying and it sickened me. I knew her trick and why she did it. He’d follow like a dog after meat and once he got what he wanted he would pass out and leave us alone. But I felt bad I knew she was doing it mostly for me, so he wouldn’t hurt me. I couldn’t imagine having sex with someone so fowl, my Dad wasn’t bad looking I gave him that much but he was such a pig personality wise, and he treated her so bad it must have been so awful for her.

That night I tossed and turned from a nightmare. I was standing in front of the mirror again, but this time the phone didn’t ring. I saw my reflection as the scissors stabbed into my liver, blood splashed out everywhere, and I began to pale. My eyes clouded over and my pupils opened.

I shot straight up to the alarm and was covered in sweat. I was so drained and was so not ready for school. When I got in the bathroom I saw my face. My left cheek was bruised, and I mumbled to myself. I started thinking of a cover story. I decided on the “I ran into a wall” one.

At school I ran into Billie, he looked at me and his smile faded. “Oh my fucking goddess! What happened?”

“I was stupid and ran into a wall, in the process I knocked my Grandmas Urn off the table and it broke. It’s a good thing her ashes were in a bag or else I would have been grounded twice as long!” I lied, flawlessly like always, and felt terrible about it. I didn’t want to lie, but at the same time I wanted to shield Billie from it.

“You should be more careful! At lunchtime I’ll kiss it all better!” He smiled at me and I couldn’t resist but to smile back. When I’m around Billie I just feel, I don’t know like, at total peace as if nothing could ever go wrong if he’s there by my side.

The bell rang and I headed to my homeroom and sat down. When the teacher turned towards the class he seemed to jump and looked at me suspiciously. I seemed to rot inside at the thought of him asking me what happened. I hated lying even if it was to, Mr. Chadwick. He gave us 20 minutes to look over our notes before passing out the quiz.

I was pretty sure I’d get at least a 85% on it if not better, and was happy when we started grading them. The usual routine took place, we all passed our papers to the person in front of us. I marked with my red pen on the wrong answers on Katrina’s paper. She only missed 3 giving her 97%. I passed it back to her and got mine. I missed 3 as well and was happy.

The bell rang and Mr. Chadwick told us to bring our graded quizzes to his desk. As I got to his desk he asked me to wait at my desk. I walked back to my desk and sighed. My bones seemed to quiver, and my stomach felt like it was being twisted and knotted. When the last person left the room he shut and locked the door and sat on the desk next to mine.

“Hi Justin.” He seemed unsure what to say, then cut to the chase. “What happened?”

I froze up, and stuttered. “I… oh I ran into a wall… I was really hyper cause I got a new game and my mom called me and I looked back an wham! Right into the wall…” I chuckled, “Stupid of me ehh?”

“Justin, is there something your not telling me? You know if you got in a fight with a student, or if perhaps one of your parent--”

“Oh no, I swear I just ran into a wall… I am really clumsy, seriously that’s all that happened.”

His foot started tapping like it did, and he looked me straight in the eyes. “I’ll believe you, but if you ever need to talk to someone Justin, all you have to do is ask ok?”

“Ok Mr. Chadwick, but it’s not necessary I really did just run into a wall.”

“Ok then, I’ll write you a late note.”

I wanted to run into Billie but as I had to stay in my class for my little talk with Mr. Chadwick he must have thought I was already in my next class. I went to my Literature class and started reading the next chapter of Hemmingway’s “The Old Man & The Sea” I was getting to the part where the sharks came to eat his catch, when the bell rang. I set my book down and looked up. My teacher, Mrs. Donaldson looked at me in the eyes and I sighed knowing all too well there was going to be another “I’m here for you” talk.

I packed up my book and basically just went slow. As the room emptied I finally had my backpack on my shoulder. Mrs. Donaldson happened to be the school counselor as well. She always liked trying to get in my head, and this was going to be an even harder attempt to.

I started towards the door hoping, but she stopped me. “Justin, could we talk for a minute?”

“O… Ok.” I sighed slightly, and she looked over her glass rims.

“What happened?”

“What do you mean?” I said trying to play dumb.

“Your face Justin, what happened?”

“Oh I was dumb and ran into a wall. My Dad called me just as I reached my doorway and I looked back and ran right into the wall. Heh, stupid of me ehh?”

“Are you sure that’s what happened?”

“Yes I wouldn’t have said so if I wasn’t sure. It was a stupid accident and now everyone has to ask if I’m alright. I’m fine.”

She walked over to me and put her hand on my shoulder. I was never a touchy feely person, and even less so since one dreaded day. I flinched and pulled away. Usually I could control it, but I didn’t want to feel anything, and her touch alone sent so many emotions through me. All I wanted at this point was to be numb. She stepped back away from me when I asked her not to touch me. She gave me this look and it seemed she was dissecting me, while analyzing and reading more out of it.

“I would like to have a session with you today, I’ll speak to Mr. Sanchez about you missing his Spanish class today. Be at my office at your 5th period.”

I yelled at myself in my head, all the names he called me, stupid, mistake, worthless. I looked to my feet and gave in to her demand. “Ok… see you then.” I said and I quickly left. I think she said she was going to give me a late pass as I bolted out the door. I just wanted away from her.

Billie was waiting for me outside the door, I ran passed him and didn’t even know it. He called out my name, and ran over to me. “Is there something wrong Justin? You’ve been acting weird today.”

“No… I am just a little stressed, and I was hoping I didn’t miss you like last period. We ditchin’? If we are I have to be back, Mrs. Donaldson is on my case about seeing her during my fifth period.”

“Sure, we’ll come back after lunch.”

“Actually, let’s grab something today before we go. I’m kinda hungry.”

“Ok,” Billie said and we walked into the cafeteria.

In line a few people looked at me, some pointed, and others just went about their daily routines. I hated all the scrutinizing eyes that seemed to be watching me with a hawks perception. I grabbed a slice of pizza and fries. Billie got some of the Soft Tacos and a burrito.

“Craving Mexican huh?”

“Yup! Always!” He smiled at me.

We got to the cashier and paid for our stuff then walked towards the side gate of the school. As we left school property I felt a little less preoccupied.

“So how are you today?” I said to Billie. He smiled at me and seemed to make my heart melt.

“I’m good, but to tell the truth Justin, I’m worried about you. I don’t know why I just feel like you need to tell me something or, that you need my help, but you keep clamming up on me.”

“Seriously, I’m fine…” I looked at my feet, and tried gathering up any bit of happiness in me, then looked up at Billie and gave him my best grin.

“If you say so Justin.” Billie said. We walked silently to the park. We sat at a bench and ate in silence as well. We’ve had our silent times but this wasn’t like the usual. That comfortableness wasn’t there.

I nibbled at my pizza, and decided I wasn’t as hungry as I had thought. Billie had eaten a taco but was basically just staring at his food as well. I hated this, it shouldn’t be awkward to be around each other. I sighed quietly to myself as I thought about my Dad and my life altogether. Billie cut into my thoughts however, “Justin, please tell me what’s wrong. I know you don’t want to for some reason, but I need to know what’s bothering you.”

I looked at him and felt horrible, he looked almost lost. I looked at the table I couldn’t look at his eyes, they just made me want to break down and sob it all out. I kept telling myself it was for his benefit to not know. Deep down I think it was plain fear in truth. After all I was just stupid, worthless and a mistake… surely he’d see that, and he’d see the same weakness as him and he’d hate me. It was so irrational but my Dad’s voice plagued me day and night with his harsh words filled with venom.

“Did I do something Justin?”

“Of coarse not, I just… I’m fine I swear! Ok?”

“Justin…” Billie said, and then he looked at the ground. “Did someone hurt you?”

A piece of me cracked at his question, I felt it, deep within. He asked me straight out, and it was hard enough to lie to him, but if I did this time it would be blatantly. I looked at the ground and thought about his question. Memories came back, I remembered every punch, shove, kick, and name. Then the one thing that really killed me, so long ago. I had tried forgetting, to move past it, to smother it in denial, but that feeling of dirtiness washed over me and sent my skin crawling.

I looked up at Billie and he looked me straight in the eyes. I looked back to the ground and wished that I had never let myself feel again. He stood and walked behind me then sat next to me. He leaned against me and kissed my shoulder. The feeling I got was not what I ever expected, but it made me insecure and I felt filthy.

I fought the feelings, he would never be like James I knew that, but I always had that fear, that I’d be hurt in that way again. I still couldn’t accept it even though it had been two years since James-A family “Friend”-had taken my blind view of the world and shattered it to reveal the ugliness and blackness that the world held. In that one night when tears and laughter fucked in my bed.

Could Billie ever love me if he knew that dark secret? That I was ravaged body and soul, shredded to pieces, and left there all alone to slowly decay? He just didn’t need to know…

“I’m fine really…” I said. I felt myself tremble as I lied to him.

“Ok Justin, if you say so. I’ll believe you…” He hugged me and his hand found a tender spot on my side. I flinched and held my breath, hoping he wouldn’t notice.

“So how long are you grounded?”

“I don’t know, he was pretty mad.” I said

“Well I hope it’s not too long, think he’ll let you talk tonight?”

“Probably not, he takes groundings very seriously.”

“Hmm we’ll have to figure something out. WAIT! That’s it!! Think he’d let you off if you had to get a team project done? Let’s say for World History?”

I had never thought of that. It sounded really good, but if he found out the truth… it would be the end of me. In the end I found it to be a good idea anyway.

“We should try, I’ll tell him when I get home, and you can call around 5:30 what’s the report on? Wait I’ve got it. As to not stray too far away we’ll say it’s about the WWII, the allied powers, and the axis-powers. We just finished a quiz and I’ll have to do a report soon anyway. Did you get World History last semester?”

“Yes.”

“So you remember about the WWII and Hitler’s New Order?”

“Yup! So it’s all set?”

“Yes!”

“Well if we are going to get back before the lunch bell we really should get going and pretty fast. You ready babe?”

I smiled at him and this time it wasn’t a cover smile.

Chapter Four

Billie

When I woke up I was half expecting to be in my room, in my bed and in a reality where all of this hadn’t happened. But when the sunshine flooded my eyes and I looked across from me there was Justin. He was smiling in his sleep, as the sun shined through the screen window and illuminated him. He had called me an Angel last night in the showers. But as I looked at him I thought of him the same way. Maybe not angelic so maybe he was a fallen Angel looking for his way. His eye liner was almost gone I never really liked guys who wore eye liner but it worked on him.

I wanted to crawl on top of him and kiss him awake but a familiar smell filled my nostrils. It sent a growl from my stomach. Bacon! (No it’s beggin’ strips!! J) I decided to be daring however and I leaned over him. He looked so beautiful to me, almost like he was glass and I could break him. I don’t know why but I always felt that from him, like he was so fragile, yet he was always so tough on the outside. He stirred as if he felt my presence. I took my opportunity and leaned in. My lips met his just as he began to stretch and yawn. His eye’s shot open, but then he smiled and pulled me against him.

I wanted to lay there all day holding each other and basking in the love he wanted to give but we had to get up. I rolled off of him and he stretched again. Even when he stretches he’s irresistible his back arched and his shirt raised up showing off his growing happy trail, his waistband was loose and showed off the top of his cheeks. I felt myself stiffen. I blushed when he looked over at me and he smiled.

We laid there for a little while not saying anything just laying there. It was strange I didn’t think I’d ever be comfortable enough around anyone to be this silent. My Dad knocked somewhat on the tent and said it was time to get up. We got out of the tent and sat down around the bench with my parents. My Dad was flipping some bacon on the griddle my Mom sipped on some coffee that they probably made with that weird bubbler thing. I always liked watching them make it with that strange thing. Justin yawned and flipped his bangs out of his eyes.

“Such pretty blue eyes you have Justin! You really shouldn’t hide them!” My Mom said.

Justin blushed a deep shade of red and coyly said thanks. I almost giggled and nearly said he was adorable but right before it left my lips the bulb flashed in my head, you could say. After breakfast which consisted of eggs and bacon we woke up all the way. The water brushed against the shore and some hawks above cawed my Mother pointed at them everything seemed so perfect. But even though Justin still had a strange look in his eyes and face. He always seemed so troubled or deep in thought.

I looked at him, wondering what he could always be thinking about, it worried me. When I’d see him looking out into oblivion almost like he was trapped in his head. I caught my Dad’s glance, his eyes met mine for a minute and sent a chill of panic through me. His eyes seemed to ask me what I was doing. As if he saw my feelings for Justin in my stare. Justin looked over at me and pointed behind my Dad.

“Look a squirrel!” Justin said.

I turned to look and so did my parents, sure enough there looking at us was a squirrel. It watched us as we watched it, then scurried away. After awhile I asked if Justin and I could go for a hike. My Mom as always was worried and wanted us to take my Dad along. My Dad said it was ok if we went alone however.

My Dad gave us some fake snow, you know the canned kind. So we could mark a trail in case we got lost. Angie said she needed to run to the store and would be back in a little. My Dad wondered to the showers and we left in another direction.

Once I thought we were far enough out of sight from the camp I grabbed Justin’s hand. He stopped in mid-step and looked at our hands, a smile grew on his face and we started walking again, out of nowhere Justin started singing.

“I’ve got a crush on a pretty pistol, should I tell him I feel this way?”

I jabbed him in the ribs, “That’s not a good song for love. Heck you didn‘t say it right either.”

“Ha, give me a break, it’s not like I listen to lovey-dovey music, Manson’s Love Song is all I got! Plus I don‘t like girls. So ‘him‘ is better than ‘her‘.” He smiled and laughed.

We walked further down the trail and Justin sprayed some leaves. He stopped in mid step and said “Whoa!”

I looked at him and my curiosity took over. “What?”

“Is that Nick… and Jimmy?” he said in disbelief, I looked over and saw what he was looking at.

“Wow I wonder if we look that hot kissing?” Justin said

“Hey!” I said as I elbowed him. “Ya perv!”

“And you weren’t thinking the same Mr. Tent-Pants?”

I looked down and blushed. “Ok so maybe I was, who would have thought though?”

“Not me, that’s for sure!”

“Well shall we go on?” I said. Right as I finished Jimmy saw us and his eye’s bulged. His face paled and Nick turned to see what caused his reaction. His mouth fell open then his face burned red.

He walked up to us and was acting confrontational. Justin just had a huge smile across his face. Probably as Jimmy had given Justin so many problems.

“You didn’t see anything trash!” Jimmy directed at Justin. Justin cringed inwardly, I could just tell. On the outside he maintained his composure. His lips grew wide and raised in the most wicked of wicked smiles.

“Really to me it looked like you had your tongue halfway down Nick’s throat, digested field rat.”

I laughed, Jimmy always called Justin Trash, for white trash, yet Justin always came back with something else.

“I swear to God I’ll beat you until your dead Trash!”

“Lot’s of witnesses you sure your up to hot and hard prison sex little rich boy, plus when you didn’t beat me to death, because you couldn’t I’d tell every single soul in school what I saw. So instead of calling me trash, rich trash, why don’t you give me respect as I now have your soul in the palm of my hand, buboe.” Justin retaliated.

I just watched the expressions on Jimmy’s face, Nick looked sick. I felt bad for them but I knew Justin would never tell a soul even if he hated Jimmy, he’d feel too bad for Nick who was always neutral.

“I just swear!”

“Swear what? All I’m asking for is that you give me respect, which includes not calling me Trash, call it a forced truce. You leave me alone, I leave you alone, and your secret is safe.”

“How can I trust you?”

“You just have to, that’s all you can do now isn’t it?”

“Fine.” Nick said. He grabbed Jimmy by the hand and dragged him off.

“Wow! Babe seriously! Damn!”

Justin blushed at me, “Thanks, why don’t we go back? I bet your Mom is back and probably worried.”

“Yeah we should, come on” I said taking the point. We didn’t need the markings but we followed them anyway. When we got back my Mom was sitting across from my Dad at the bench. They were laughing and having a good time. I looked at Justin, he had a faraway look in his eyes. I couldn’t explain it, but he snapped out of it when my Mom spoke.

“Oh hey you two. Did you boys have fun?”

“Yes Mom! Looks like you and Dad are having a good time too.”

“Yes we are.”

The rest of the day was slow, we all just lazed around our campsite, my parent’s stayed near the bench, while Justin and I hung out under the canopy on our tent. A little before five we started to pack up the stuff. We packed it into the back of the van and and we left shortly after we finished.

On the way home we got off at Deer Valley and went to the waffle house for dinner. We sat at a table next to the bar and my parent’s sat on the bar stools next to the table. Justin’s hand met mine under the table. As the waitress walked over to us she smiled at us, it was then I noticed you could see under the table from her side. I blushed at her and Justin’s hand got clammy.

We all ordered our drinks and meals. Justin and I both got a burger, Justin got hash browns smothered and covered, and I just got mine smothered and peppered. As usual Justin and I ate like pigs and my parent’s slowly ate away theirs. The waitress came up to us with two milkshakes.

“On the house for you little studs.” She winked.

We said thanks in unison and she laughed. She filled my Mothers coffee cup back up and asked my Dad is he wanted a refill on his iced tea. After we were done with the milkshakes, my Dad left a big tip on the counter, we paid then left. It was just about a 20 minute ride home on the freeway. We dropped Justin off at home and he thanked my parent’s for having him along.

About 2 hours after we got home I got on the phone with Justin. We talked about nothing for about an 20 minutes, then he said he had to go. We had one of the “no, you hang up fights.” In the end it was Justin who lost.

The rest of my night went by fast as thoughts of Justin kept me occupied and happy. When my Mom did her routine check before I thanked her for letting Justin come on our family trip. She smiled and told me she liked him.

“He seems like a very nice kid. At first I was worried with how he was dressed. I won’t lie to you, that’s why I let him stay the night I wanted to see if he was ok. I trust your judgment but I wanted to be sure, but he is very nice. A little preoccupied sometimes but I think he’s a good kid. Sleep tight honey.”

“Night, Mom and Dad.”

When they closed my door I stripped down to my boxers and climbed in bed. I tried to sleep, but thoughts of Justin kept me awake. I wanted to see him there next to me. I wanted to feel his warmth and touch him, unrestricted.

My thoughts wandered to when we were in the shower. The steam surrounded us and his eyes glimmered it seemed. He looked so beautiful, his body filled my minds eye as my hand went under my waistband. I could feel my lips gliding over his body like in the shower. My hand was pumping my hardening dick, sending pleasure through me. My eyes traveled further down Justin’s image to his sexy hips, and his treasure trail. I could see him bite his lip, in the memory, and it excited me even more. My hand pumped faster on my cock and some fluids leaked out, it reminded me when his mouth covered me like a abyss of fiery pleasure. It was all I needed, as my body shivered from the overload, my penis expanded and erupted, the first squirt landed on my cheek the rest went on my stomach and groin. I laid there for a minute basking in the aftermath of my orgasm. Before I even knew it I was sleeping.

Justin

When I got home I waited before Billie and his parent's left before I opened the door. I knew my Dad would be waiting and because I hadn't come home I knew he'd be mad. Even if my Mom gave me permission I know who really has the only right to do so. I quietly stuck my key in the hole and opened the door. I heard the TV, some old western was playing which meant I had an hour or so before the confrontation.

I started for my room when he called. I walked over to him, preparing myself for what might come next, you could never tell completely with him. "Where have you been boy?"

"I spent the night at a friends."

"I know that, why were you gone? Did you get permission from me?"

It would be so easy to say yea, from Mom, but I knew that would just cause him to flip out on both of us. I braced myself as I let the fatal word leave my lips. "No... I'm sorry, I didn't think."

"Damn right you didn't think! What you think your a big man now huh? You live under my roof and I will know every move you make!” His fists began to ball up, and I felt sweat start to moisten my hands and forehead. His face twisted and began to get red. I felt myself dying inside, as his glare tore me to shreds. “Come here!” He said.

I took a step closer, he prompted me again, and I took one more step. “No boy, right here!” He pointed by his feet. I took the final two steps needed, “Closer, lean down I want to see your face.” a chill ran up my spine and the energy inside of me was going crazy. I wanted to cry already, as fear began seeping into my bones. I bent closer and in a blur of motion I felt as his knuckles slammed into my cheek bone. The force of the blow knocked me to the ground. He stood and looked down at me.

“Now look what you made me do!” He said Right as my Mom walked into the room. She looked at us an assessed the situation.

“Jason!! Why?”

“Go back to the room bitch! Your next!” He shouted at the top of his lungs. My face was throbbing and tears stained my cheeks. I couldn’t control them from flowing, I never could, and if I did it made it so much worse. He came closer to me and I backed away from him. I knew as I did it, it would only cause more pain, but everything inside of me screamed for me to get away. But my brain pleaded for me to stay still, knowing what the outcome would be.

“Jason, please! He’s just a boy!”

He lunged towards her and back handed her. Then shoved her into the wall. She let out a small cry as he held her by her throat. I froze in a panic then my brain clicked and I mustered up all of my courage. “Leave her alone!” I said, barely above a whisper. She heard me however and said no. Her eyes met mine, but I couldn’t let her get hurt. “Leave her alone!” I said a lot louder, and it even shocked me.

He turned and looked at me with a wildfire in his eyes. “What did you just say? You want to die boy?!”

My head shook involuntarily at his question but I knew it rhetorical. He let go of her and walked towards me. I got up and walked backwards from him. He kept advancing shortening the distance in every stride. I found myself pressed against the wall. He grabbed me by the arm and swung me into the wall to me right. His hand met my face three of four times, each slap making my cheeks tingle in pain. A familiar taste filled my mouth, he grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me towards him then he pushed me right back into the wall. My Mom grabbed him from behind and he swung around and hit her right in the head.

She fell to the floor and didn’t move. Sheer white panic filled me, cutting at my sanity. “STOP IT!! LEAVE US ALONE!” I screamed. His elbow hit my chest, and he threw me into the front door. The door knob rammed into my lower spine and I cried out in pain. He punched me in the stomach and it sent me to my knees.

I felt the pain on the back of my skull which caused my vision to got white. Everything went away. When I woke up my Mom was sitting on the couch, a huge black eye adorned her delicate face and she looked at me with tears in her eyes. She put her finger to her lips, my Dad snored in his chair. We both went into the kitchen.

“Oh my poor baby, are you okay?”

“Yea… are you?”

“Yes…” she said looking at the ground.

“Mom why don’t we just call the police, he’s sleeping, the cops would come and take him away. He’d have to stay in jail a full night and that would give us enough time to get out of here.”

“We cant Justin! You know that… I know he’s mean when he’s drunk but we just have to deal with it. I’m afraid he’d kill us if we did what you suggested.”

“Mom, please, he’s gonna kill us if we don’t.”

“I just… I can’t.”

I understood her fear but at the moment I was sickened by her. We could end this and be free but she never would. I got up and went to my room. Right after I closed my door our phone rang. I picked it up and it was Billie. I talked to him for just a little bit. I knew if he woke up, he’d kill me for not having his ‘permission’ to talk on the phone. So I talked for a little bit then told Billie I had to go. I tried keeping my pain out of my voice, it wasn’t too hard, not with talking to Billie. His voice alone seemed to be like an endorphin pumping in relief and happiness, if only for a moment. When I hung up I tried laying down but I just hurt too much.

I knew what song I wanted as I lay there numbing myself. “I want to disappear” By Marilyn Manson. His lyrics seemed to be perfect for my life. I silently song along, “Hey we love the abuse, because it makes us feel like we’re needed now, but I know, I wanna disappear.”

I sighed out loud and hugged myself trying to make it from hurting inside so much. Every time he did this to us I could feel myself dying, like a void buried deep within, taking over slowly, eating me whole. Everything seems so broken, as if I was inside an oblivion of blackness. I wanted to cry, scream, kick, punch, claw, die, and kill at the same time. I wanted to cry out my frustration while shoving my fist down his throat and watching him gag to death.

I looked at the clock, it read 9:01. I rolled onto my aching back and found my spot. The spot on my roof, was so small you wouldn’t see it without looking for it, but I could always find it. I focused on it and let my mind shut off. I watched it grow from a tiny spot into everything in a second.

When I snapped out of it, it was because my Dad. He was standing above me, “What the fuck is wrong with you, I’ve been yelling at you for almost ten minutes! I swear to God boy if I have to take you to the hospital your dead!”

I blinked my confusion at him, for ten minutes? Usually when I space out on my spot I hear right when my door opens. My Dad hit my leg and told me to get to sleep because I had a long day tomorrow. When he left my room I sighed out of relief and to relieve the stress. A long day? Great! I looked at my clock and nearly jumped out of my skin. It plainly read 12:43.

He woke me at 5AM. My head throbbed and my body ached. I stumbled out of bed, did my business, then he shouted telling me I had five minutes to be dressed. I decided just to leave my clothes on that I had slept in. I already knew what was coming next. Yard work, he always made me work the next day after supposedly disobeying him. It was all about control and I knew that.

First was pulling weeds, then raking, mowing, the weed eating. After I re-raked I picked up the piles of grass. Then it was onto the porch, then the garage. By 2 I was so worn out, and my stomach was threatening to eat itself. My mouth was dry, he dragged me out front while he sat in a chair and ate a sandwich and drank a glass of hot cocoa. I peered at him now and then daring a glare. When I was done with the front he made me do our alley way area with the weed eater. Finally he let me rest.

My muscles screamed with joy when I hit the warm insides of my house, my Mom had a sandwich, chips, and a cup of cocoa for me at the table. I sat down and inhaled the nourishment. I went to the living room and asked if I could take a shower.

He grunted a yes at me. I walked down the hall and stripped down. I got in the shower and let the warm water cascade down my body. I sighed a long time as my muscles relaxed. I washed the dirt from me then got out and dried off. I wrapped the towel around me and went to my room. I got into some nice clean clothes and sat on my bed. Without even knowing it my brain went blank, and my vision left.

Usually I controlled when I zoned out, but it took me without my knowledge. I would later find out it’s a sort of survival mechanism, so the brain doesn’t have to process it all. I was snapped out of it again it was from pain caused by him

I felt the sting of his hand on my face “What’s wrong with you, you fucken mistake? This is the second time you’ve not responded to me!”

“I… I don’t know.” I was scared, I was losing time, and I was afraid of him hitting me again. I felt a tear drip down my face he scowled at me and shook his head.

“Fucken sissy boy, I refuse to have a retarded cocksucker as my son!” He said as he walked out of my room.

Eventhough he was gone the tears still kept running, I couldn’t stop them. I sat there for an hour if not longer and still the tears flowed constantly in a river down my face. By dinner time my Mom came in my room for me. She found me there on the edge of my bed in the same condition.

“Oh Justin, baby what’s wrong?”

I looked at her, and I wanted to stop crying but I just couldn’t something inside of me broke and it wouldn’t fix itself. She sat next to me and her arms wrapped around me. “baby please tell me what’s wrong.”

“I-I…” I wiped at the tears but that didn’t help any. “I don’t know, I just can’t stop crying… I just… it hurts so much inside I can’t… not anymore…” then a thought hit me. What if, just what if I killed myself? I could end all this pain, all the abuse, she always said he was so nice when I wasn’t alive, maybe I was the problem. The tears stopped, as if whatever was broken fixed itself finally. “I’m sorry Mom, I’m ok, really. I don’t know what came over me.” I upped it more and made myself excited, “So what’s for dinner? I’m so hungry!”

She looked at me as if I might be insane, she had a concerned face but she said, “Beef stroganoff.”

“My favorite!” I beamed - it was after all.

“I know, honey I made it just for you since you had to work so hard today.”

“Thanks Mom! I’ll be down in a minute.”

She left my room, I looked over at my desk and saw the scissors. A thought entered my mind as she closed the door.